Struggling with the hurt

So it's been day by day since I had to start back at square one..and it has Not been an easy one this time around..I look in the mirror and Im not me..the sparkle in my eyes is gone again..I feel like I'm functioning at the very minimum just what I have to do to get by...an empty shell of who I use to be.
You realize everything a lot more once you are out of the situation and aren't clouded by him and the foggy haze he seems to gloom over you to hide the lies and deception. I'm trying to accept it all the years of sooo much pain. Then I wonder to myself if I wouldn't let a random stranger do these things to me why do I continually let him and only him do this to me? Maybe love, maybe believing this time was different I'm really not sure anymore.
Today on my way home from work I heard this song by Rihanna called stay...http://youtu.be/JF8BRvqGCNs ..the words ripped me apart and I cried so hard I literally started sobbing the lyrics were exactly how I feel. In a perfect world I do want him to stay but in the real world I know that will never happen with him and letting go is so incredibly hard. I guess time is what I really need right now along with NC. Guess I just needed to vent..some days are just worse than others and today I'm thankful this day is almost over.