struggling

10 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Feb 1 - 11AM
Narcd72
Narcd72's picture

struggling

I know it's normal to feel this bad, but it doesn't make it any easier. I go from feeling a little better, relieved that I've dodged this evil bullet, to the fact that I can't erase the last 2 years of feeling and believing he loved me. He became such a big part of my daily life...texts to say I love you, calls throughout the day to check in...now my phone hardly rings and I find myself dragging through each day, not eating, not sleeping...playing the last conversation over in my mind where he looked at me squarely and coldly in the eye and said, "I'm not in love with you anymore and not sure if I ever was." This felt like being kicked in the gut, hard. He has made no contact (neither have I, whew!) and I feel so pathetic that it was so easy for him to walk away while I am walking through my life like a zombie. I have no desire to get back with him, especially after reading all the lit on these freaks...and he is definitely one of them...but my self esteem is so low...he told me that I needed to work on myself and love myself..and this was one of the reasons he gave for leaving... I know these things are true..I do need to love myself more, but it's hard to do it when someone rejects you like this. I am also scared to find out that he has an OW. He does not seem the type...he has gone long periods without a woman (years, and this includes hook ups according to his friends), and I don't see him as a player...if he has D&D me, which I truly feel he has, should I almost expect him to have an OW, brace for it, or are there other kinds of supply...he is alone a lot, goes fishing with friends, exercises his dog, and has beers with friends at local bar some afternoons...other than that pretty low key..any insight to any of the above is greatly appreciated...I'm really struggling. Thanks

Feb 1 - 2PM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

I'm so sorry you are going

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I hope you find solace in knowing that you are not alone. As a matter of fact, I would say, you are in pretty awesome company! The members on this forum are wonderful and will do everything they can to help guide you through this. He may have gone long periods without a woman, at least without a "relationship" status. His supply could be, as the others say, his Mother, or even possibly prostitutes, and/or men, or porn. It really doesn't matter though, it is irrelevant to your healing. The pain will eventually subside, but please don't expect it to happen any time soon. Getting started is tough, but you can do it with the help of every one here, reading, and posting. Stay close to the forum, maybe a one on one with Goldie? There are many resources at your finger tips! Good luck!
Feb 1 - 1PM
nlvr7
nlvr7's picture

hugs

all I can say is I could have written that myself. I have 21 new texts from new gys that I ignore bc t only one I seem to value would be one from t N. What ive done is get dressed up looking amazing and going to bookstore or coffeehouse after work I wont let myself cry in public, reading is distracting and free and guys do hit on you, self esteem booster. I feel just as horrible and empty inside as u. It sucks.
Feb 1 - 12PM
spinning
spinning's picture

Narcd, the struggle sucks...

but you must keep pressing ahead. Here are some things I'd like you to consider. Two years of conditioning is not going to go away in a week or a month, etc. It was a long time to establish patterns and thought processes so you must be patient with yourself with regard to "getting over it." You must feel the feelings and then let them go. Here is a reality check from my perspective, which is almost 15 months total NC. The calls and texts to say 'I love you' throughout the day were a method to control. To keep tabs. To make sure you were where you should be and that you were always, always available and accessible and there for him at his beck and call. I believe you know by now that their words mean nothing, it's the actions that count and texting and calling several times a day isn't the action of a loving, trusting man, it is the action of a control freak who wants to make sure they know where you are and that you will respond. Please do not put any other spin on it than that. Now that I am free of that kind of behavior, I feel blessed that I don't have to be so attached to my phone. This is the truth! I also have entered new potential "relationships" with non disordered people and I'm here to tell you that they do not behave in that fashion. There is no need for that kind of constant contact except to control. I LOVE NORMAL! IT'S FREEING! You will feel this way, too. I promise. Next, and most important task for today...just for today, please try this: WHEN THAT 'TAPE' OF THE LAST CONVERSATION STARTS TO ROLL THROUGH YOUR HEAD YOU MUST HIT THE STOP BUTTON IMMEDIATELY. You must kick those words out of your head. Do it as often as it takes. Physically say if you are alone "STOP. THIS IS NOT WELCOME HERE.' If you're not alone just say it to your head. The longer you replay that last conversation, the more you stretch out the pain you are in. It serves no purpose other than to continue to make you feel like you've "been kicked in the gut, hard." Stop kicking yourself. YOU DON'T DESERVE IT. Again, his words mean nothing. DISMISS THEM. This is how you build self-love and self-esteem. You build it by rejecting that which makes you feel bad about yourself and pulls you into the darkness and EMBRACING THAT WHICH YOU KNOW IS GOOD and struggling to shine the light on it. You can do it, Narcd! I did and I never, ever thought I could! My life is better than I ever thought it could be and than it was in the entire six years of hell I endured because I thought I was so "in love." Whatever! I hope this helps some. Hang in there. Keep sharing and getting it out. Sincerely, (not) spinning. IT WAS A CHOICE TO STOP AND I CHOSE MYSELF

spinning

Feb 2 - 10PM (Reply to #3)
dazed
dazed's picture

Thanks Spinning!

After reading this particular comment a few days ago, I have noticed this advice really has made a difference for me. I had been given a similar suggestion (stop the replaying of conversations, events, etc in my head) early on but I was not ready for it. And I slowly have gotten better but more recently there have been some setbacks. The N's birthday was just a week or so ago and I remembered what we did last year. Other memories flooded my mind and I started reading this site again. So, Spinning, I read your advice and it finally clicked. I stopped thinking of conversations and events and the whys and hows of our breakup. I stopped thinking of how could she be this or that or .....whatever. All these are now replaced with "She is just totally screwed up. She's mean, heartless and pathetic. She's evil and I am better off without her." Anything to make me think otherwise is just BS and a lie. It's her lie that she perpetuated but she's not around anymore and the lie is crumbling. I really feel that in just these past couple of days I have moved on significantly. A huge step forward. A question, though, for you or anyone else. My N called and texted me tons and tons when we were together. I always thought it was the "love bombing" part of the relationship. Are you sure this is controlling and manipulative behavior? I am having a hard time seeing that. There is no doubt the N was controlling but the frequent texting and calling was obsessive and intrusive. I did not complain. I saw it as a mirror of the intensity of our bond. I liked it. And after the d&d, that was such a noticeable loss. That lack of contact was deafening.
Feb 3 - 7AM (Reply to #5)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

You answered your own

You answered your own question.. Yes, it's all about control.. I remember the one time I didn't respond to him in a timely manor.. I got " where were you"" I'm 44 yrs old.. My parents did their job years ago.. I said "HUH" ? I explained that I actually have a JOB.. I also explained how leaving a message works.. His job .. Dog Trainer..Shock the shit out of a dog till it listens.. Looking back that was the begining of the end..after that my Dog Whisperer Psychopath showed me.. He retaliated with the SILENT Treatment.. So yes it's all about CONTROL Hunter
Feb 3 - 7AM (Reply to #6)
Narcd72
Narcd72's picture

made me laugh

Hi Hunter, Thanks for all your support. Your comment about the Dog Whisperer made me laugh out loud..so true! I am having a particularly hard day because of something that happened yesterday and would love to hear what you have to say about it. When he broke up with me and told me that he wasn't in love with me anymore and not sure that he ever was, I replied by saying ok, I'll leave all of your stuff in the garage and you can get it when Im at work. I also told him to take the $500 bike I bought him for Christmas that he never took to his house. He never used it. After that last conversation, I got to thinking and decided that I was going to sell the bike and use the money for a vacation. Well, yesterday he came to get his stuff while I was at work...when he didn't see the bike, he went crazy, calling our mutual friends and saying what a terrible person I was, "What kind of person gives a Christmas gift and takes it back...she has shown her true colors, blah blah..he even told them he was going to the store where I bought it to look for it...he also said that he had thought we ended on a good note and that we could be friends...hah! I am a bit worried that he is going to try to get me back somehow...regretting my decision to keep the bike..even though it felt good to get to him somehow, I don't feel very good about what I did...I also regret giving him more reason to devalue me...what do you think? Please help
Feb 3 - 8AM (Reply to #7)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Blah,blah,blah.. Or "

Blah,blah,blah.. Or " Scrambled Eggs" Silence = Fuck You.. Selfish Bastard.. Why would you give him a 500.00 bike after he dumped you.. It didn't mean enough to him to take it when he left.. It only meant something when you took it away and stood up to him. Imagine that you set boundaries. Enjoy a Narc free vacation.. Do yourself a favor change your contact info.. He's a piece of shit. Hunter
Feb 2 - 11PM (Reply to #4)
TNR1
TNR1's picture

I have to agree with

I have to agree with Spinning..it's about control...perhaps there was a love bomb aspect to keep you "ever so happy"...but she probably felt the need to ensure that she had you exactly where she wanted you. I think I may have made it too easy because I didn't get a ton of texts and calls..in fact, I was the one doing 90% of the texting...but I think he knew he had me and he didn't have to try that hard to keep me. BTW...it's great to hear you have made a significant change and are feeling a lot better. Sometimes in order to have a breakthrough, we have to let go of the way we would normally react and just accept that being with an N is never "normal". No matter how much we may try to romanticize what we had with them...they will never change.
Feb 1 - 12PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Smoke and mirrors...wow ..you

Smoke and mirrors...wow ..you just described the Dog Whisperer.. Is there another women..my narcs OW is him Mommy.. I didn't believe he had OW but now who the Hell knows.. Who cares.. He presented you with an image of how YOU perceived him.. It's sad at first..real sad.. But you will see in time the true Scum he really is.. Stay Strong Hunter