strong_enough's story

10 years later

It was a little over 10 years ago when I first met my Narc. We worked together at a local hospice agency. We were both married at the time, but were stuck in stagnant relationships. We became good friends as we seemed to have a lot in common. I was very codependent in my relationship with my first husband; he was a pornography addict, but could not accept responsibility for his addiction and it was tearing away at my self-esteem. My Narc knew just enough about the dynamics in my marriage to capitalize on me and use this info. to "convince" me that I deserved better and that he could meet my needs better. As things with my firts husband began to unravel; my Narc began to pursue me. He told me things like, "Darlin', I just have a strong feeling about us, that we are meant to be together... whether its to have a child that will do something important... I don't know, but I just couldn't keep this feeling to myself...I'm not a home wrecker or anything..." If only I had listened to my gut and this "red flag" warning, I may not have wasted 10 years of my life trying to build something with a man that is incapable of real love and commitment.
When my Narc and I first met - I became head over heels in love with him. I felt like he really "got me" in a way that other men had not; plus he was there to "pick me up" following my divorce. At a point in my life when I really felt like I "needed" someone, he was there to help me. Validating me and "building me up." Little did I know ast the time that I was dealing with a "closest narcissist," as he did NOT like the limelight, but he maintained his grandiosity through the connection he had with me - I was someone he could pump up - and in turn feel good about himself. He was a master at the art of flattery and made a devoted lover to me until that changed almost overnight. Then, when he could "no longer sustain the illusion of his chosen one's specialness," his admiration dissolved and he moved on the a new "object of worship."
We married almost 8 years ago. He is 25 years my senior, but the age difference did not bother me because he was "the one." I had been in counseling for about a year following my divorce and felt centered in my decision to marry this man. I had dealt with the issues surrounding our age difference and was committed to making our relationship and marriage work. He was in agreement with having children, even though he has a grown son close in age to me. He wanted to "give me children," and I was ready. We got pregnant with my oldest son within about 2 weeks of our marriage. I was thrilled and he seemed to be as well. Our son was born with a congential heart defect which required open heart surgery and a pacemaker implantation. My Narc was great throughout all of the medical aspects of his care because he is an RN and in the medical profession. He was very hands on with our son and things went well for about the first year of his life. We decided to make a major move to another state to be closer to my family and better quality healthcare - so we moved when our son was 10 months old. This move was great for our family, but tough on my Narc.
We both found jobs easily at the same agency; but within 6 months my Narc was "let go" due to reasons that seemed ridiculous, but now I'm not sure. He was without work for several months and struggled stating, "I've never had a bad review in my life..." He found another job, but it was very demanding in terms of the call time he had to manage and he was miserable. In that time frame I became pregnant with our second son. This addition to the family seemed to push my Narc closer to the edge. He was irritable all the time; unhappy in his job and with our home life. However, I was still in the dark about his NPD, so I continued on trying to keep the peace at home and absorbing more of the workload to maintain some sort of "balance" in the household for everyone.
Then, 2 years ago, my Narc was diagnosed with lung cancer. I was devastated. I thought I was going to lose this "man" to cancer and be a single mother. My family and friends rallied to support him through his chemo, surgery, and radiation treatment which lasted 10 months and took him over a year to recover from. Around the time of his diagnosis, I also discovered that he was having an "inappropriate relationship" with one of his co-workers. He admitted to the relationship being inappropriate and promised that he would end contact. I heard those words out of his mouth about 20 times over the next year as I continued to catch him having contact with the OW. He always tried to smooth things over and promised to maintain his faithfulness - only for me to find more evidence of his indiscretions in the future.
It was about 6 month post treatment and with a reasonable prognosis when he decided to "move-out," citing his struggle to handle "family life" and wanting to pursue his art dream - as he has always wanted to focus his time and talents on his art. He never mentioned the OW as part of the equation and I had stopped looking for evidence at that time. He refused to have any parameters surrounding our separation. He did not wish to seek counseling, even though I decided that I needed to find some support. He essentially left me hanging for about 4 months as to what he wanted to do - he refused to admit that he wanted a divorce, but he also did not wish to work on our relationship. I got confirmation of his affair 4 months after he moved out and was furious that he was not up front with me about his ongoing relationship with the OW. I asked him why he couldn't be honest with me about the OW and his desire for a divorce when he moved out and he told me that he needed me for my health benefits due to expensive follow-up tests. What a fucking jackass! MY family and friends cared for him for a year and all he did was use me to get through a tough time in his life - only to leave following his clean bill of health.
I have gotten so frustrated with myself though because as I look back on how he courted me I realize that he is doing the same thing with the OW. She is also married and he was too - and he is distorting her version of reality with her spouse to convince her that he is a better choice - effectively trying to win his new "love object."
I recognize now that when my Narc was diagnosed with cancer - I was unable to mainting my stream of validation for him as I tried to keep my head above water by working FT, caring for 2 young children, and caring for my ill husband. So, he sought his validation and secured his narc supply elsewhere. I merely served as his dumping ground for all his by-passed shame at that point; as did our children. Unfortuneately, they have suffered enough in their short lives from daddy's anger - feeling like they caused their dad to move-out as he yelled and engaged in his narcissitic rage around us when he became frustrated.
It has now been 8 months since my Narc moved out. I got my final divorce decree in the mail last week and I am looking forward to moving forward in the New Year. I am doing my best to maintain NC with him beyond necessary logistics with the kids which is really minimal because his involvement is so limited. He is essentially a "glorified Babysitter" to them as he has not taken them overnight one time in 8 months and only called about 2x to ask to see them outside of my request for help. Let's face it - kids get in the way of a Narc's self-absorbed desires - esp. when in pursuit of the OW. This OW is still married and he continues to deny his involvement with her, despite loads of evidence that they are connected. They both have cell phones that are solely used to contact one another so as to "protect" her from her spouse or their colleagues finding out about their relationship. At this point, she can have him! She has no idea how this man will negatively impact her life because she is so entangled in his narcissitic web right now.
I feel as though I have "come out of the fog" in terms of my clarity and understanding of my Narc and his behaviors, but it still remains a challenge to figure out the best way to deal with him and our children. I am glad that his involvement with our boys will be limited due to his negative effect on them, but I also see how it hurts them to know their dad is not around. I know we will all be better off in the future and the best gift I can give my kids is to get better myself by finding my "footing" and moving forward.
"The only way out is through..."