Strong then weak

I know that I have to go NC. I do know that. I'm not ready to. It's all too fresh for me. He has spent his second day/night in big city with OW & he called me last night! Why?
He asked me about the weather here, blah, then he started to tell me about the weather there and I said "I don't care about the weather there."
Then he got to the meat of the matter...see, I am not stupid, yet he thinks we all must be stupid. He is a very insecure man. Very. You know how a person can just sense insecurity in someone else, like a dog can sniff fear.

He was going on and on about how he got turned down for this one job and why. I could sense he is very nervous. He wanted me to tell him it will be alright, you are so great, you are greatness and talented and they suck. I did nothing. I said "why are you calling me?" I was emotionless.

So, I get off the phone and think and think. I see him in a different light. One of neediness and someone who is in thier 50's but is afraid of everything. (he really is, walks in the woods, going into a new place alone) he is a very introverted guy who thinks he is gaming everyone. I actually think everything is a game. Like he plans all of his moves...the way he gets off the phone, its always very rude, that way you feel like you want more of him...and he is leaving you in the dust..all things to be mean to you, because he knows that certain women (me & her) can't take it, we clammor for him, want him to give us a crumb of caring - which he does dole out on rare occasions, only to balance it with meaness. He once said that his way with women was "be mean to keep them keen".

I am digressing here, but I wanted to say that I picture him as this quivering mass of insecurity, shaking in the corner, worried only if he will find a job again (he stupidly resigned without even securing another position)...he doesn't care about her or me, just worried about himself constantly. Using her as a mat, until he leaves her again.

So, I'm all proud of myself for thinking I'm over the hump. That I am back in control, he needs me...he can't cope without me. Ahhhh...am I delusional? My phone rings a few moments ago, it is him. I don't answer (feeling so strong!) I do send a dismissal text - one that is preprogrammed into my phone - "can't talk right now, I'll call you back later" I get a voicemail..hmm..it sounds like he pocket dialed me. Ugh. Then he sends a text "my phone dialed on its own. I'm going into a meeting"

And with that little text, I'm crestfallen. I feel like he has totally dismissed me - again. He didn't want to talk to me after all. He didnt want me to call him either.

I know, I know. NO Contact. I know. It is difficult. I dont feel strong anymore. I crave to know what is going on with him and with her! It's just awful.