Strange grief

I wrote my first poem last week. I haven't put it up here yet but I may some day. It's about the thrill of the ride. My ride ended over a month ago but it still feels like I am on it. I am becoming more even and stable but there are times when i will just weep uncontrollably. Mostly when I see couples together and I miss having a partner. Fantasy thinking. Other days I am so pissed at him that I have fantasies about destroying his property or worse. I have to say tho that it is getting easier the more I understand and share. congrats on your 5 months out.

Oh yes definately! Lots of times when I think I'm over him, I get triggered by something then I feel sad. Sometimes I feel like I almost miss him, and feel like a piece of me is gone. Other times I feel sorry for him. Then still other times, I feel blank--like nothing over him at all. If I find the sadness or guilt to be constant, then I go read my journal again--alot of things I wrote down that he did and said, to remind myself of his true nature and how he was to me. Then I feel vicious toward him all over again. I wanted so much for him to quit coming to my neighborhood, and stop contacting me....now that I havent heard from him for a while, Im feeling the loss again.

Ups and downs...ins and outs...Im all over...Im better...more focused...less affected by obsessive thoughts...but rage...YES...I do get angry....but I guess it's better than crying..... I do get sad with triggers of my exhusband but thats because I have to see his ass every week...Ive been working on boundaries with him to keep him away from me...but with him...im in the reality of what he truely is phase....On my own...I get angry with him...thoughts of him...in his presence when he smurks at me with his condescending attitude...ugh....I cry with my therapist cause she REALLY makes me see him for who he truely is and it makes me sad:( I just hate all men at this point!!!!! (no offense to the male victims)

Some days I feel fabulous and full of gratitude, joy and hope about my life. I listen to happy music, cheerfully go for runs and call old friends. other days, like today actually, I feel full of anger and rage - not just towards him, but really a lot of people. Short tempered, irritable, annoyed about everything. I want to slash his tires. I'm 7 months out. Congrats to you btw for getting and staying out!

as of the 25th I am 6 months out. I often think about how I could have spent 14 years with someone and now I alomost forget what he looks like. Sometimes a thought will cross my mind where I wonder what he is up to, as we spent alot of time together. Sometimes i wonder if I loved hime at all

I am 6 months out and feel the same way. Most days I am pretty good, then something will trigger me a bit and I feel some anger and revenge entering my thoughts. I let it go for a couple of minutes, then try to change my thoughts to something else. I always tell myself I don't want to give him any space in my precious brain.:) I just posted recently about this new, indifferent feeling. It does feel weird after so many hours, days, weeks and months of emotional hell BUT a good weird!!! We are getting there Redhead.

Absolutely Redhead! It's weird, isn't it, how it cycles in and out and up and down between plateaus. A strange roller coaster ride that the mind takes us on as it works its way (and us) out of the darkness and into the light. I too feel a lot of anger lately but also a growing sense of utter creepiness about what he did, and his predatory approach to me, as in "what an effing creep." Punctuated by fits of missing him anyway in spite of that, which is nuts, but there you go, it's only been less than two months for me. Congratulations on reaching five months!

Yes I can relate. Now that I think about it anger is one of the only emotions I have left about him. I am slowly coming to indifference with many parts of the narc and relationship but for some reason I still get angry about the things he did and especially the final D&D. Hopefully in time and with NC those feelings will fade too.

i am 20 months out. i ended it, which makes it a little easier, but my emotions are still all over the place. healing takes time. everyone is different. maybe i am taking longer cause mine lives in my neighborhood and it literally makes me sick when i see him. he fools so many people, but i know what a sick asshole he really is. we just have to ignore them and move on. most importantly, surround ourselves with normal, healthy people. they are f'd up non-humans with SERIOUS issues. mine has bigtime mommy issues. go figure! shocking, i know, it's classic. best wishes in your healing. this site saved my sanity! thanks to lisa and all the mods!

So glad to hear that you are five months out! That is wonderful! Keep up the great work! Do you mean that you are not sure how you feel about your narc, or narcs in general? If it is that you are not sure how you feel about your narc, you are more than likley coming up on the "indifference" stage. Welcome it! It's an excellent place to be!