still sturggling with guilt, blaming myself... is he really an N?

my counselor alluded to the idea that he might be an N or at least has N traits.

my best friend called him a narcissistic sociopath long before the counselor said so.

my mom would tell me when i called he hysterical that i sounded like a "battered woman"

my sister pointed out immediately when i confided in her that he was manipulating me.

my dad says he's a jerk who only cares about himself. "why would he want a girlfriend?" i ask him. he replies, "to show it off just like he would a nice car, new piece of technology or a fancy watch."

and still, 3 weeks now and NC.

still i suffer from these feelings that it was all my fault, that i was just not strong enough to deal with all his demands... that i didn't respect him. he "knew what was right for me" ... but i was disobedient. he resented me for basically living with him while i found a healthier living situation for myself... when someone says "i love you," i would think they would be partially thrilled to live temporarily with their love, as was the case. but he wanted me out of there so fast, demanding his "space" and that it would be "better" for our relationship and that i just had to deal with the bed i had made for myself which, "wasn't so bad." no empathy. and yet... i still feel like it was my fault for being one of those rare emotional creatures.

oh, and he says, "i know what an N is, and i'm certainly not one of them"

the evidence is there. it's all there.

and now i am on meds and in therapy while i recently found out that the way he is dealing with the break up by going on a vacation. typical: onto the next adventurous fun. forget coming to terms with anything. i am in no place to truly enjoy a vacation right now, i am so broken. but he...he is certainly ready to get the eff out and party. i hate him, and myself.