Still in it

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#1 Mar 19 - 11AM
Scooters Mom
Scooters Mom's picture

Still in it

My life is out of control! I am preparing to leave my N now. I am so nervous but I have gained huge insight from this websight as well as some hope that I will some day be happy and myself once again. I have been in this for ten years and have many times thought that I might be going crazy!
I was working for my N and Quit because I no longer needed a second job. He was the owner of the bar that I was working at. He called and asked If we could meet instead of him mailing my final check. We met at a sports bar and that was a huge mistake in my life! Should of told him to mail it! Anyway we started dating and it was wonderful. I was a single Mom with a 10 year old son and he acted like he liked him, although my son could see through his BS and never liked him. He would buy him lavish gifts, motorcycles, play station, you name it. I started to notice he was changing before we moved in together. He came over and I was in the kitchen so I just yelled "come in". He was really upset and said that he felt like that was rude that I didnt come and answer the door and greet him. Then he was upset because I chose to sit in a chair and not next to him on the couch, I slept with a pillow between my knees, it just got to the point where I felt like I always had to think extensively before doing anything. As time went on we moved in together and I got rid of my things. That is when it started to go from whinny to ugly. One night he had a headache and my son and I were upstairs laughing and talking and he flew into a rage and scared the daylights out of us, calling us disrespectful. As time went by he kept stripping away our lives. He would get angry if he came home and we were watching T.V. together, so we stopped, he found reasons why my friends were bad and I could no longer see them. I finally had to leave. He called continuously and begged and pleaded. I went back. I was looking for something one day and found a tape from our camera and it was a man jacking off on a woman while she was sleeping. I realized it was him and I it was dated 3 months prior and when I confronted him he said he didnt think it was a big deal and thats why he never told me about it. I felt so violated. Our sex always had to be like a porno and he always wanted to video tape it. He looked at a lot of porn when I was not around and always lied about it. We are no longer having sex,(together) Im sure that he looks at a lot of porn. He only mentions sex when he feels like I dont care about it anymore. Otherwise he is perfectly happy and says that it is easier just to masturbate and get on with his day. Every time we go somewhere he scans the room and always comments on whether or not any attractive people are there. He places ads for help at the business and puts in them "attractive females" If they show up and are ugly according to him he wonders if they read the ad. He is so obsessed with what people look like. I am not an unattractive woman I guess, but I am not 18 anymore and he likes young women. he is 48 and I am 36. He never wants me to have a job and when I have mentioned it He suggest that I can go volunteer instead. Because he is terrified of me having money. He holds all of the money and I have access only through him. He is not poor by any means but on many occasions I scrounge change to put gas in my car or buy some milk because I maybe pissed him off and he is witholding money as a punishment. He is so nice and pleasant in public and people including my Mother (alcoholic) think that he is just wonderful. My sisters see through him though and he cant stand them. He always tells me that I must be crazy because people like him. He said that I make him feel so bad about himself sometimes that he has to ask his friends if he is a good person. I stay home and cook, clean, take care of his grandchildren and make sure that his pepsi is always well stalked. He tells me often that he requires 3 meals a day, I cooked him a nice breakfast after he reminded me of that and when I went to hand it to him he stuck his ciggarette in the egg and said "Im not hungry". But if I dont do it and play the game he tells me that he feels used and like I dont appreciate him. OH ITS CRAZY! We dont sleep together, he has slept on the loveseat in the living room for 2 years now and we have 6 dogs. He stays up until 4 or 5 in the morning and sleeps until 1 in the afternoon so all day long I am trying to keep everyone quiet and stay in my bedroom until King Joe is ready to get up. I am not allowed to bring my laptop computer in my bedroom because he thinks that is disrespectful too. I did once and was on Craigslist trying to find a job and he said "no more"! He said I could meet someone online, which is the furthest thing from my mind. So I have to wait for him to wake up to use it because its in the kitchen. He did say though that he is "ok" with me using it "too much" now and that I can shove it up my ass for all that he cares. So that's a relief! I am also not comfortable with giving the dogs too much attention as he has been mad and said that I over pet the dog once. And he didnt get as much attention as the dog. We are not married because years ago he said that my credit score would hurt him. I checked my credit a few months ago and my score is now at 704 and his is 6 something. When he found out he said that maybe we should get married. Ya right asshole! We recently went to a wedding reception and I had a few glasses of wine (he doesnt drink but smokes pot like no tommorow). He was off talking to people and I went to visit too, I gave a guy a hug and he had sat back down at that point and saw. He ushered me out and told me the next day that I was totally drunk and embarrassed him and ruined the wedding reception for everyone and that I embarrased him in front of his family by not sitting by him the whole time. I appologized to his ex sister in law (mother of the groom) and she said "I dont know what you are talking about,My kids and I have nothing but love and respect for you" I was blown away. I told him and he said not to worry about what others thought, just worry about number one which would be him. I am now starting the detachment process so that when I leave he will be glad. He is sensing it and getting paranoid. He said that he feels like I don't respect him enough lately and I tell him that I am just in a funk, dont know what is going on, maybe early menapause? He just feels less bowed down too and he hates it! I contacted an attorney as I feel like after ten years of putting up with this that I deserve atleast a way out! I just want enough money to get an apartment and some therapy! Gonna be a long road........

Mar 21 - 4AM
TexN (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Scootersmom

I'm really glad you're getting out cos your life will never change if you don't. My life was the same way, felt like I was walking on eggshells. You & your son deserve so much more!!! Good luck & be glad u didn't have a child with the creep like i did! (Mine was the same way, porno, sleepin on the couch, etc.)
Mar 19 - 8PM
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

stella

It's exhausting just reading about it, and living it is...ugh, there are no words...well, how about extreme HELL?? I can relate to a lot of what you say, mine was very controlling with so much, I felt like I had to watch my every move. He'd get hurt with dumb stuff too like, if I went to check e-mail, he'd be annoyed I wasn't sitting with HIM watching his stupid move. I felt forced to do so much just to keep the peace...just like you've mentioned. His abuse was covert mostly, a endless mind screw that kept me in a daze. All I can say is to not let on what you're doing, he may get really nasty and rage. If your son knows, I'd tell him to keep it on the down-low. You already sound like you have emotionally detached a LOT...I was about where you are in the feeling "up to here" with it all too, so it didn't feel like the end of the world when I decided NOT to take my exN back. Having him out of my life was a very weird adjustment at first ~ we are used to being so regimented, and I did things after he was gone that he purposely would have hated just to do them. It's a BIG relief, I can tell you that. There are good days and bad days...but as time goes on, mostly good...keep reading, getting your support. You will be just fine.
Mar 19 - 5PM
neveragain5
neveragain5's picture

Wow! These stories blow me

Wow! These stories blow me away!! You appear to be a very smart person and definitely strong. The people on here and their experiences and advice are wondeful. I truly hope the best for you and that you are able to end this soon. It's awful when they are appearance obsessed and attempt to make us feel like crap about being in our 30's.
Mar 20 - 12AM (Reply to #2)
rache
rache's picture

And,

When we are in our fifties and they in their sixties they still do it-they live in a DREAM world that they are YOUNG STUDS even with their false teeth,wrinkles,saggy man balls etc((I made myself sick-just saw ex psycho naked in a visual=66 3/4ths years old,vomit)