Still healing

I don't know how you all felt but for me, during my time with the narc, after the initial love bombing period, I was in a constant uneasy state, not knowing what was coming next, what mood he would be in, waiting for something bad to happen, just feeling very very sad and wary all the time. Sometimes he would ignore me for hours and then get cross if I didn't suddenly become the sex goddess he required at the end of the day. Sometimes he would take me out shopping and click his fingers at sales assistants and act like Richard Gere in pretty woman as I tried on outfits he picked out for me ( he adored the attention that the sales assistants gave him) and then he would remind me how much he had spent on me and if I didn't act grateful enough then he rage and storm off and I would beg for forgiveness, he would gradually forgive me and I would behave.... You know the cycle.
Anyway, the reason I'm writing this is that even after more than two years away from him , I still wake up sometimes with that uneasy fear, that dread of him and his moods, that sinking feeling that I am not good enough. Then a lovely feeling of peace comes over me and I breathe easily because very quickly I remember that I am free.
The effect that this horrible man has had on my life has been massive. I am stronger in some ways and I am living a lovely life now but it still affects me every day, the awful things he did to me. It really affected my confidence and even though all my friends and family think I am over it, sometimes I still really really cry about what happened and what he did to me. Does that ever completely go? I hope so.
My youngest son has just come up to my room and climbed in bed for a cuddle .... That puts it all in perspective . Today we are going to football training and then going out for lunch and buying him some new clothes.... The narc would never have allowed me time with my boys to do this.
I'm taking a deep breath and wiping him from my mind again and reminding myself that he can never hurt me again.

Big hugs to you all :-)