soulmates

I have been reading a lot lately, almost obsessively. And I came across an article about borderlines and narcs, how they feel like soulmates. And then I read about BPD, and I think.I have this. I had all 9.traits. And I think it's what kept me there, abandonment issues, severely. I want to get help to see if I have this and can fix it,or at least minimize the damage. Now I am confused and not angry, cuz I am thinking we both are sick. Now I don't even know if I loved him. Its just so dysfunctional. I remember in the beginning, I was stubborn and had a wall of protection from being close to anyone. He got mad, and required me to drop my wall. ..or he would leave. He threatened to leave. So. I dropped my wall in fear. And then the drama unfolded. This sick dance. I just want to.help myself,cuz he will never seek help. Its sad. I knew my father had his illness, and staying with him was reliving my childhood trauma. I feel stunned by these thoughts, and totally sad. Byt, at least I know.why I self destruct without him. I don't know what to do in the meantime. I keep wanting to build that wall again, to protect myself again, but is that even healthy? Any thoughts are appreciate it!