Sorry I keep posting..... but

One other thing that I am having trouble with is wanting to go out on top. Which I know is still playing the game. I found out he cheated a year ago, called him out on it and then blocked him without hearing his explaination.

I did get a "bullshit I never cheated" text before the block went through, I just said " I know that you did and I am done dealing with this".

But now I feel like he is probably thinking that I am crazy or that I am dumb or a drama starter. I dont want to go out that way.

I know that if I were to unblock him and text him something nice, or something off topic from him cheating he would respond all nice and have a conversation with me. Part of me wants to do that and then block him.

I dont know why I care so much but I dont want to block him with him thinking that I am crazy. I want him to think "wow rainbow cant get enough of me" then block him! I want to go out on top. What do you think?

carol24's picture

You say in your post that "I feel like he is probably thinking that I am crazy or that I am dumb or a drama starter. I dont want to go out that way." I doubt he will be thinking any of those things. He won't have stopped thinking about himself for long enough to think about what you are, so don't waste another second of your time worrying about it. By doing so, you are doing his thinking for him. Devote all your emotional energy to the person who is the most important - you.
Tinker's picture

i'd be happy if i were you. he's not thinking you're crazy, he's thinking "SHE KNOWS!". if you come back with something nice, he'll think he's got you fooled and will think you're stupid and devalue you. you did GREAT!! i got my last word in yesterday, told him not to contact me again. then he wrote a few hours later after extreme nastiness and asked me to send him the name of my painter!! not a chance...so i got 2 in and i'm DONE, and i don't expect to hear from him again so the healing can begin. we can't heal until we stop hurting ourselves. it's got to stop. so stop the CD trying to make sanity out of craziness; it's all easy to explain - they're DISORDERED. even they don't believe what they're saying, it's like dealing with a 3 yo in a tantrum. all you can do it walk away...
Susan32's picture

Funny. When I broke NC, I told the ex-Psych prof he was EXACTLY like that. I compared him to my newborn nephew, since his father and my brother in-law have the same name. Somehow I cloaked the narcissistic injury (he hated being compared to small children, hated being mocked-those would send him running) within sweet&sappy words about happiness and success. The narcissistic injury went down with a spoonful of sugar. Niceness with a catch and small print*.... I described him that way PRECISELY. I compared him to a newborn screaming all night long. I said he had the same level of maturity. *If he ever wanted NS again, he'd have to read about the terms&conditions. My, it is fun being a creditor. He'd owe SO MUCH.
Hunter's picture

Wahoooooodedooodedooo!!!! You got it right on!!!! Scrabbled Eggs! Hunter
Scoop's picture

The being on top thing dose come but only with time .. after a year of NC trust me you will feel on top and he will know it .. he will so compleatly know it and the feeling is great .. there isnt a quick fix with this one as there is nothing you can say that wont be read by him to fit his agaenda . NC atualy the time dose past pretty fast . Please other old timers back me up on this one , lets hear how NC really feels after a year or more .. xx
momoya's picture

or being on 'top'. On top of what? L-E-T G-O.

momoya

mystwoman's picture

Personally, I think NC and completely ignoring him is your best way to come out "on top". With NC, he has absolutely no impact on you, or ability to control you in any way. You know the truth about his cheating, and so does he (whether he admits it or not - and if he's like xnh, he won't). As for your caring what he thinks, or that he thinks you're crazy, nothing you say or do will ever change it. Worrying about this only gives the narc the power over you and your feelings. Not only that, he has to do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. You'll torment yourself about what he thinks. IMO, THAT is allowing the narc to come out "on top". I'm relatively sure that xnh would be turning cartwheels of happiness in the street, if he knew how much he's hurt and upset me. However, I will NOT let me see it. If xnh can do nothing, and I'm tormenting myself on his behalf, he wins. Therefore, my advice is to not let the narc have this power over you. It really doesn't matter what he thinks. You know the truth. That's all that is important. Besides, your xn is a narc. He has NPD, so he is the crazy one. He may think you are, but he REALLY is crazy. lol. Hugs. :)

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God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

Happy1's picture

Don't contact him...it will only cause you more and more pain. Then it's another extra day of recovery. They will always say bad things behind our backs to make themselves look normal and good. It's just how it is and that's not going to change no matter what you say or do. It's good you're posting to get it all out.....
Hunter's picture

Ok I'm going to get tough with you! "HE IS Crazy" You are trying to understand crazy, it's not possible! Stop focusing ion what he is thinking and doing! You can't and won't win! You know how you win? By kicking him to the curb and moving on with your life! What have you done for Rainbow besides obsess about Narc! If you need to obsess you need to set a certain time aside and do it! The rest of the day should be about you! Don't be prey for him! Hunter
rainbow1's picture

You are right! Thank you!

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"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

Hunter's picture

I learned my lesson with crazy last week! Instead of trying to make sense of him! View his actions and words as he is displaying them! Look hard at this! It's gibberish,scrambled eggs! Is that someone you want in your life? All they do is screw things up! Hunter
deecbee's picture

I can completely identify with your situation… it’s hard not to play games with them and I got burned last week trying to do that. I kept scheming to make sure that I had the last word- and in the end, he did. You just don’t win with these guys. And if you think you’ve won, in their minds they’re still the winner. There’s NO way to come out on top other than to just not engage them anymore. On my first day of NC after I “lost”, I didn’t feel that way. I thought there had to be a way to come back and beat him at his own game. It felt uneasy letting him have the last laugh again, and I was still thinking of ways to get back at him and pull the rug out. The more time you let pass without acknowledging his existence, the more you will realize that you ARE winning by refusing to play his game.