1. Home
  2. Forums
  3. Narcissist Forums
  4. All About Him Forum
  5. Soon to be EX is getting ideas!!!!

Soon to be EX is getting ideas!!!!

13 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 May 27 - 12PM
BadaBing
BadaBing's picture

Soon to be EX is getting ideas!!!!

Hi all.

My "secret" plan is going to be in 3 phases - 1st is to find a new place to live. 2nd is to break up with him and 3rd is to move out.

I have kept this info under my hat and with help from my sister realized I could be out as soon as the 1st of June. He is going out of town are the 3rd of June for a 4 day weekend to see his family --which would be perfect for me to act on and move out without him knowing or any kind of drama -- sounds like pretty good idea to me! I have not said a word to him about my plans to move out soon for obvious reasons since I have not had the official break up talk yet (but it IS coming).

Anyway, I am not sure who he could of heard about my plan or who might tell him anything but I got a text just 10 mins ago!!! READ THIS:

" hey babe just in case you get any crazy ideas of moving I wanted to let you know that I am having the locks changed before I go out of town unless we talk before then. When we talk after I get back I will give you your new key. love u much"

holy sh*t!!

I did not respond.

Both our names our on the lease - I guess he can change the locks but crap, I didn't expect that to happen or him to think of it! And that would totally mess up my secret plan. I don't want to go through any kind of faking him out just to get the key and I don't want him to change the locks either. I don't know how to work this out yet.....

I think this is his big fear, that I move out with out him knowing and returning home and finding this is over and he comes home to empty house (exactly what I would like to see happen - and him not know my new address).

changing the locks - changes my plan!

May 27 - 2PM
dabussard
dabussard's picture

Badabing

They can sense things. Your N can tell from your emotions that something is not right. Play his game, reassure them that nothing is going on, that you are stressed from work or something. Do not let him know what is going on. When you break away it needs to be well planned out and I agree with spinning have someone with you at all times. I have mace in my purse and a knife strapped to my side at all times. He will never get to me again.. Not alive anyway... Please be careful and good luck...
May 27 - 3PM (Reply to #12)
BadaBing
BadaBing's picture

DA

I am planning it out and crossing my fingers. I hope he doesn't change the locks. He does sense things with me but since I left he can't do that as well. So, he sends random texts at night time since he knows my schedule pretty well. He will watch my tv shows and send a text commenting on the show trying to be friendly he will text 'iloveu's' every few hours or send me a short joke. Sometimes he will say 'you forgive me yet babe?' or ask me 'how long you going to stay mad?' or 'when will you stop this?' He never asks me how I am doing or if I am okay or how much he hurt me. I sent a text 3 weeks after this happened late at night and wrote "who else have you cheated on me with ?" and his response was "who told you that?" now I wonder who has info on him. His idea for our talk? is me listening to his reasoning of why he cheated and he wants me to just sit , listen and nod in agreement. He will often say 'if you could just see this from MY point of view you would totally understand babe' like it's just so simple, if only! I guess he senses were'nt very good that day on our sofa, he didn't sense I was about to walk in and disrupt his 'meal'. thanks again!
May 27 - 1PM
spinning
spinning's picture

BB, it's all

about control. This 'person' bothers me very much. He obviously believes he can dictate your life and your future. Please talk this over with someone you trust. Perhaps you will need to have a discussion with him about your moving out and removing your name from the lease. Please do not see this 'person' alone and remember that you are under no obligation to tell him anything about your intentions and/or plans except that you will no longer be residing in that home and you will be removing your name from the lease. I don't recommend responding to him today. If at all possible please ask your sister (or someone else you trust) for help and to be present whenever you talk with him. I believe he will not make it easy for you. Be strong. Do not react. There is a saying 'Nothing is often a good thing to say and always a good thing to say.' I wish you good vibes for strength and peace of mind. Sincerely, (not) spinning (no longer an option in my life. HE'S OUT!!!)

spinning

May 27 - 1PM (Reply to #7)
BadaBing
BadaBing's picture

ugh!

This changes a lot for me! he can't do that. I don't want to even talk to him he is so persuasive! He knows he just needs to get me alone and put on the charm and pressure that i why I am trying to prevent that and protect myself from what I know are my weaknesses. 80% of the things in the house are mine and they are NICE things! I want them I don't want let my stuff go I didn't do anything wrong. He wants to be able to go on vacay and not have to worry that I am moving out - I don't really thing anyone told him anything - he just wants to not have to worry that I am going to leave while he is away.
May 27 - 1PM (Reply to #8)
spinning
spinning's picture

I agree, bada,

so maybe you'll have to reformulate your plan. You should not have to give up your nice things; nor should you feel obligated to him in any way. If you have to wait a little longer until you come up with something you're comfortable with, then just be patient and maybe something will come to you. There is a chance that he is BS'ing you about the locks. It is expensive to have locks changed. I know this because the disordered one I was involved with abandoned me while still in possession of my house key. I'm no expert but I do continue to recommend that you have NO ONE ON ONE CONTACT with this person. I am proud of you for knowing your weaknesses. Listen to your gut. There is no urgency. He's just upping the ante since he knows you mean business. You've done great so far and will continue to do so as long as you stay strong and stay away from him. A big hug to you BB from, (not) spinning (not even a little bit today...and it FEELS GREAT)

spinning

May 27 - 1PM (Reply to #9)
BadaBing
BadaBing's picture

I am still looking

this weekend for an new place because who knows what I may find. I will not respond to this but I will discuss this with my sister on other ideas. I hate to miss this chance, it seemed like a perfect time to move and not have to deal with him. It's hard for me to walk away, but easier if I don't have to see him. I don't think he is BS'ing about the locks at all - in fact it would make him feel more at ease knowing this was all taken care of. I have traveled with him before and he has to have all loose ends tied up before he leaves or he can concentrate and relax - he just obesseses over the issue (.if unresolved) thanks so much spinning for letting me bounce all my thoughts off you today!! I appreciate it - and just can't say it enough I feel like I have slew of people in my corner and I feel great about that!
May 27 - 1PM (Reply to #10)
spinning
spinning's picture

You're welcome, sweetheart,

and I wish you a wonderful weekend. There is no urgency. Things will work out and it's so good that you have your sister and others to help. This is a good place to be for bouncing ideas. This forum helped me get to the strong(er) place I am today. I am glad you are here and I am pulling for you. Your friend, (not) spinning (no longer an option!!!!)

spinning

May 27 - 1PM
hryan77
hryan77's picture

wow weird

I kinda went through something similar when I left my ex...he started blowing up my phone when I wouldn't answer him regarding a knife he claimed I took and getting "shit" on his uniforms (he's a cop). He threatened to change the locks even though the house is in his mom's name...well I went that night and cleared out the house with the exception of some things that were too large. HOLY CRAP...as soon as he got home at 6:30am the next day he went nuts blowing up my phone about what I needed to return. He wasn't expecting I'd clean out the house in the 12 hours he was at work. He did change the locks and told me he wouldn't let me in with movers and told his mom to stay out of it...I had to break NC to try to make an agreement about things and talk about what was mine to keep...like the dresser drawers (took those left the dressers one of which he bought me but said I couldn't pick and choose gifts..ehhh i left a coffee mug and a coat), anyway, I sent the garage door opener back UPS, cancelled the movers and told him to keep what I left. heard from him on and off about getting my stuff out and I won't answer. I really think it boils down to control...at least in my situation... wish i had good advice on what to tell you...no idea how he would have found out??/
May 27 - 1PM (Reply to #2)
BadaBing
BadaBing's picture

only 3 people know

I think this his way of insuring he does not come home to any unpleasant surprises. The last 2 months have not worked out like he wanted and we still have not had a real discussion face to face and I am not ready to nor do I plan on it. I just upsets me too much. He knows he can't change his plans and if I was going to move that would be the perfect time to do it - I think he came up with this idea on his own gut feeling that I have something up my sleeve and not telling him ...and he is right. I just don't know how to tackle this now if he changes the locks on me. i feel stuck again!
May 27 - 2PM (Reply to #3)
Done sourcing
Done sourcing's picture

ThePlan

BadaBing, I humbly offer up my idea for you. 1. Find a place. 2. Get your stuff out with the help of at least two men, even if you have to move it temporarily into storage. 3. You never have to tell him anything about breaking up (experience says we want these confrontational meetings with the n's because we are hurt, and we might do anything in order to make that hurt go away, including believing their lies and trying one more time). He lost all his rights to ask for one damned thing from you when he raped your home with his actions on the couch. I am a man, I have lots of life experience, and I am convinced whatI am telling you is true. A man truly in love would never threaten his mate, ie change the locks, a man who truly loved you would give you all the space you need to figure things out...not to mention a man who loved you wouldn't ever have done the things he did to you. Good luck and God Bless Chris
May 27 - 2PM (Reply to #4)
BadaBing
BadaBing's picture

Chris

thank u I feel so grateful to of found this forum. It is helping me so much. Thanks for your advice. I am going to keep looking and deal with the locks when that time comes. I am putting off the break up and it doesn't have to be face to face I can do it over email. I am just fearful that things will escalate when I do it and I wanted to try to get myself and my things out of the house before that happened. This is a sneaky way to accomplish it, but I am avoiding seeing him, makes it harder on me, I still love him but I don't love his behavior. I don't see a future any longer. I am still dealing with the visual reminder of what I saw that day on my sofa... and I hate it and hate him. thank u I will keep you posted ! have a good weekend!crossing fingers I find a place!
May 27 - 8PM (Reply to #5)
Redhead1
Redhead1's picture

You owe him nothing. I knew

You owe him nothing. I knew after the last affair that I was done. I also knew there could be no face to face because he was so persuasive. Please don't let him get to you. 3 years is enough time to waste. BTW, Chris you are restoring my faith in men. I believe there are good men, I just don't know any of them. Out of curosity, can I ask your age?