Something to Make a Movie About
Something to Make a Movie About
I write to myself often about my relationship issues but wanted to share this one. What made me want to share is because of an experience while scheduling my next therapy session. I saw someone in the waiting room who was in 911 mode emotionally but subtle with it. She was containing it all while tears still rain down her face. I didn't know who she was nor what she was going through BUT I so desperately wanted to do what I wished my ex would have done for me. I went near her and simply asked if I could hug her. She embraced it and then we both had tears falling. I didn't want to overcrowd but after a few minutes of sitting with her, I left. A SIMPLE HUG can cure so much.
THIS IS MY HUG TO EVERYONE:
I'm not crying but I am feeling like it inside. I miss him and I love him. At the same time, I keep replaying how he is so about himself and knowing that will never change, hurts me.
I MISS HIM & I LOVE HIM
It breaks me so bad internally because I feel I will still give him 100 more times to break my heart just because of that tiny flicker of HOPE that needs a magnifying glass to even be seen. I feel I am sacrificing my entire soul just so that this narc can keep being him - needing his ego to be stroked constantly by verbally abusing me, abandoning me when I cry and keep reminding me of my flaws and mistakes from "last year" and beyond.
It would have made 4 long years this. The past 3 months, he has constantly breaking up/making up with me every few days. This roller coaster hurts!
He's perfect? Not even close! I have analyzed the issues between us and the fact of the matter is: Only one of us has acknowledged that they have their own personal issues. He has NOT addressed his yet because he doesn't think there is anything wrong. It hurts my heart because I know we can't be saved but for some reason I desperately wish it could.
I have not spoken to him in nearly 9 days. Out of sight, out of mind has really helped me emotionally but I still look to run into him. I am happy when I don't see him and I am happy when I do see him. Then I am sad when I don't see him - sad when I do see him.
The worst thing about it - he isn't feeling any type of emotion about me. I imagine he is with some woman or women, getting his ego filled. I love this man so dearly and yet the latest memories I have of him is him verbally bashing me to intentionally watch the tears fall down my face.
I broke pictures out of anger and he yelled how wrong it was to damage his property. I told him how wrong it was to keep being to verbally abusive and keep playing with my heart. His response?..."Only ONE of them is illegal!"
This has made me reflect on myself too. Have I actually been that bad of a person too? Did I intentionally hurt someone to make them plead and beg to be with me? I am reflecting and wondering and worrying. I never want to hurt someone to boost myself up. I want to "live, love and laugh" with someone who really appreciates me - down the road. Right now, I want to enjoy life from afar. I want to date from a distance, not discuss my ex negatively but simply keep it short and sweet. Maybe I could just leave it at, "We are just two different people."
My only wish to my ex...I wish I could GIFT love, empathy and compassion to this man. If there is a god, I wish there was a way he/she could put this in place. I want this man to understand the pain in my heart. I want him to understand what love is truly about. I wish he could see how invested my heart and soul is into him though he has continued to hurt me.
It is not his fault that he is this way. It is not my fault that I am this way. But though our relationship was so hard and toxic, I truly felt the love was real in the best way that we knew how to express it. I have never been in an adult relationship (this still doesn't count as one) nor had I ever felt so comfortable to be me with someone in my life! That part felt so amazing to me.
We are ###$ up individually but at the same time, we BOTH did not know what we were up against. I learned of my BPD diagnosis in 2014 and I have expressed to him about a year ago that I believe FULLY that he has narcissistic personality disorder. My therapy sessions helped me learn about HIS issue when I shared my problems. One of us has accepted their issues but I wish he would seek help. He doesn't nor will he ever see how bad he is. Going on 51 and though he has admitted to spreading his sex tool to over 500+ women, having bered 3 kids from 3 different women...he has NEVER given his heart to anyone else (so he says). I DO BELIEVE IT!
To him, I feel this was his bragging right, his badge of honor. He NEEDED to tell me that he was invincible. I was crazy to think that I could ever break the mold. It is like I want to embrace his insecurities and internal pain but NOT at my expense where I am on the verge of thinking about suicide. I was at times in the bathroom cutting myself and crying my eyes out. The pain was just so intense for me. Still is but I am working past it.
I am 90% stable on my meds, 70% on track with my therapy and 100% of me still wants him. These have been the hardest 9 days. I am trying though. I'm emotional writing this but I guess I want someone - ANYONE who feels where I am coming from...you are NOT alone. My brain says that I am doing the right thing by staying away (no contact) but my heart misses him every single day.