Some Notes on the Process...what its all perspective...

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#1 Apr 18 - 11AM
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Some Notes on the Process...what its all perspective...

Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!
-Author Unknown

I have been reading the threads in Forum 1-3 this week and offering insight where I can. It is also important that we share with others as recovery is not about “following a guru” but sharing with peers that can offer another view, another angle that we might not necessarily be able to see.

I have seen some wonderful work on the forum this week and I am personally proud of the progress everyone has made, including my own. I think it is important to understand that progress is achieved in baby steps, and we have to learn the art of patience and self acceptance.

When we first end the relationship with the narcissist, our self esteem has taken a significant hit, we are confused, dazed and in a fog. The narcissist has successfully pulled off his campaign at destruction, and we are usually brainwashed and ready to accept blame for the disaster that has occurred, unless we were lucky enough to land on information and come to some conclusions about his behavior – and even then, in the early stages, we are fighting cognitive dissonance and can’t quite believe that such a person can exist. We witness these statements over and over, we make them and read them posted over and over again…the same stories, the same actions, the same cycles just with different characters and settings. That alone should provide some validation and confirmation that we are not crazy despite all the Narcissist has done to convince us otherwise…a popular tactic is the Narc labeling us “bi-polar”…this is of course projection, and possibly not even accurate as if we understand the dynamics of “projection” they are essentially reflecting on us their foibles…which in my estimation is a very conservative word for what afflicts him. If the projection were accurate, he’d be calling us severely disordered pathologicals void of empathy, morals or values, predators who target people to satisfy an incessant need to control and exploit others by whatever means necessary in order to validate a false sense of grandiosity brought about by a very vulgar amount of arrogance, selfishness, self centeredness based on an addiction to self. To the narcissist, the real truth is so soul shattering to face, I presume bi-polar is something IT can live with as whatever he/she spews is of course a reflection back to his/her false self…if you listen to everything that comes out of a Narcs mouth and you are informed and educated, you can see very clearly right through them. They are easy reads, they are TEXTBOOK – they are empty shells, walking living breathing voids but they are DANGEROUS.

Early on, we get caught up in the loop. We ruminate, we obsess. We are in shock and in many cases in Trauma to varying degrees. Some of us have suffered atrocious and heinous acts of abuse, and then we blame ourselves. We either blame ourselves for not getting out in time, or we blame ourselves for not doing more, for not being more perfect…we re-victimize ourselves. The Narc somehow brought out all kinds of disordered thinking in us…this is where we need to do the work to re-write the script.

Lisa E. Scott has created Six Steps to Healing from Narcissistic Abuse. This forum deals with the first three:

1. Understand it
2. Get it Out
3. Go NC

It is important to note however, that just because we “Understand it” it doesn’t mean we own it…it doesn’t mean we’ve fully processed the impact this abuse has had on our psyches, and our souls. Our spirit has been attacked and it was a stealth attack – one that we could not detect.

WE ARE NOT TO BLAME FOR BEING TARGETED BY A PREDATOR any more so than a rape victim is to blame for wearing a short skirt…or getting drunk at a bar or any other myriad of reasons society has ignorantly concocted that by default serves to re-victimize the victim. BEWARE OF SNAKE OIL SALESMEN IN THE RECOVERY MOVEMENT, your truth is your truth, and only you can arrive at your truth. In the early stages, I am not a proponent for labels other than we are victims in pain who have been abused and attacked by a predator.

The first step in all of this is getting the fog cleared. You cannot take on every issue in life you’ve had since birth – you first need emergency first aid to get out of crisis, then the rest can be dealt with in a more rational state of mind, once the trauma if not completely gone, is reduced to a lesser degree where your thinking is more clear and the triggers are not as frequent. That is where Steps 4-6 come in.

In the interim, it is necessary to get it out. We feel sadness and anger in all the stages before we get to healing. This process ebbs and flows, it’s up and down for a while. That is why it is estimated to take 18 months in order to fully recover.

During recovery, we are not thinking about what the perfect man is, we are thinking about us, what makes us tick, what issues may have caused us to have such clouded thinking, we build our self esteem up, we get away from all the “myths” we’ve been raised to believe and we get real…we get grounded in reality, we take inventory of what’s been useful and what needs to be discarded in our steamer trunks and baggage. We clean out our closets; we provide for ourselves all we were looking to the outside to fill. We learn that we are beautiful, special, unique, lovable, and deserving to be loved in return…but we fine tune and understand what real love is, not the manufactured love we’ve been molded to believe in…the fantasy…the Disney Love Story…we get real on all fronts and we recognize our power as formidable forces to contend with, and we say no to ABUSE, convoluted messages, drama, chaos and dysfunction – not only from our potential partners but friends and family as well. WE clean out the swamp so to speak.

That is a thumbnail sketch of what this process is all about, and it takes baby steps to master.

Our sister in recovery Epiphany has created a very empowering thread based on some post it notes she’s created while going through her experience. I find them empowering and I encourage you to read her thread when you have a chance. Others have contributed to this thread entitled "NOTES"

I opened this post with one of the quotes Venronrose shared, I am not sure of the original author, but I too have come across it and I believe it rings true. It is accurate and we need to own this pearl of wisdom…and so I will repeat it as repetition is the mother of all learning:

Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!

I am looking forward to traveling the Path Forward with you and I have every confidence that we will all get to where we need to go, and will all be where we need to be, with the understanding that life ebbs and flows we all have ups and downs and that where we need to be will be subject to change but perfect in it’s own time in relation to circumstances.