Some help please...

14 posts / 0 new

#1 Jan 10 - 9AM

aquabella

Some help please...

I haven't been able to work for two days. I've been NC for 1 week today, but I'm about to unblock his number and send him a text. My head truly knows that this will only bring me pain, but it's like an addiction...at the time you want the drug, you're willing to live with the pain you know you'll endure later for the fix right now. I have a therapist appointment at 1:30 and a meeting with someone froom this board at 6:00. If I can make it until then, I think I can abstain. Can someone find a way to speak to my heart so it will agree with my head?

xoxo
Lynn

#2 Jan 10 - 4PM

aquabella

Crisis averted for now!

Crisis averted for now! Thank you Thank you Thank you for the encouragement and wisdom that kept me occupied so that I did not unblock or text asshat. Went to see my amazing counselor, and off now to meet new friend from this board YAY! Volleyball game tonight and back to work tomorrow. This evil, toxic drug on which I've become dependant will not take me out, I will fight! xoxo Lynn

#3 Jan 10 - 4PM (Reply to #13)

spinning

ROCK ON AQUABELLA!

This is the kind of post I like to see. Keep pressing ahead. Way to choose yourself and stop the madness! I am so proud of you! Hugs from, (not) spinning. AND IT FEELS GREAT

spinning

#4 Jan 10 - 10AM

Caligirl

aquabella, it is an addiction

I went cold turkey when I left and went NC from my exnp fiance. It's strange to think people can be like a drug, but it's part of the abuse. Mine would do what's called "dosing" where he withhold, give me ST, and then affection. It's like being a lab rat. Pretty soon I was trying to always please him or stay on his good side. Leaving was the hardest thing I've ever done, and I've had major hurdles in my life. I too couldn't work physically and the freed up time was a killer, so I agree with others about trying to work and keeping busy. I know it's hard tho. My ex destroyed a huge part of my self-esteem and confidence. You're doing the right steps tho, staying close to the board, therapy, reading. I wish I could say going NC and recovery is easy or gets easier. It is hard, but it'll be worth it. You're worth it! I can say that over time you will notice the fog clears, clarity comes, and anxiety eases, as you no longer walk on eggshells or wonder why he said that or did that. So, hang in there and good luck today! Hugs! Btw, I like your name. :)

#5 Jan 10 - 10AM (Reply to #10)

aquabella

Thanks Caligirl, asshat was a

Thanks Caligirl, asshat was a master doser...Christmas morning I got "Merry Christmas my sweet love" and by Dec 29th (post sex) he "just isn't that into me". Shithead xoxo Lynn

#6 Jan 10 - 11AM (Reply to #11)

Caligirl

aqua, you're welcome

Yeh, that sounds familiar. These guys are so good at this, it makes me wonder if there's a school for N's, Dosing 101, haha. Where do they learn this crap? Shithead is right. They all are. We're lucky to be away, but it's hard bc the words and promises sounded so good. xoxoxo

#7 Jan 10 - 9AM

spinning

aquabella, I urge you to think of it like this...

...every time you reach out and contact him YOU GIVE HIM ANOTHER OPPORTUNITY TO D & D YOU. Is that what you want? To hand him on a silver platter an opportunity to give you silent treatment? to suck you back in to sleep with you and then disappear? to rage at you and call you a psycho stalker? to throw some "scrambled eggs" words at you? What is it exactly that you think you will gain? You will gain all of the above only. You will give him supply and another opportunity to D & D you. Are you up for that? Think this through. Why would you chase after your abuser? Why do you think your tormentor will make you feel better? You must try to accept the REALITY of the situation and your attachment to an outcome that does not exist. Please consider all of this. Please know I have been in your shoes and it takes all your might to STOP HAVING A HAND IN YOUR OWN ABUSE. Most sincerely, (not) spinning. BECAUSE I KNOW TOO MUCH TO EVER AGAIN SPIN FOR ANY DISORDERED FREAK, FOR ANYONE

spinning

#8 Jan 10 - 10AM (Reply to #7)

aquabella

Thank you, Spinning. I will

Thank you, Spinning. I will not give him the satisfaction. It's kind of twisted that the only thing that resonates with me is not wanting to provide him supply. But...whatever it takes, right? I'm just not to the point yet where I don't think I kiind of deserve the D&D and abuse which is so so sad to me. Silence = Fuck You xoxo Lynn

#9 Jan 10 - 10AM (Reply to #8)

spinning

You are welcome, AB...whatever it takes

I'm a firm believer in it. The mere fact that I wouldn't give Freak Boy one more ounce of supply even to tell him what a disordered freak he really is is what keeps me from ever, ever saying a word to him ever again. He earned my silence. My silence, like you say above, equals F YOU! Aquabella, you will get to the point where you know you are worthy of good treatment if you continue to commit to moving past this disorder and chaos. The more you sweep out the debris from the disordered so-called relationship, the more room it opens up for great things to enter your life. Trust me on this, AB. I'm 14 months out and my life is so much better than I ever thought it would be when I was at your stage. Believe in the process and believe in yourself...as Dr. Phil says "Fake it til you make it". It works! Most sincerely, (not) spinning. AND IT FEELS GREAT

spinning

#10 Jan 10 - 9AM

Sparrow

It's not "like" an addiction,

It's not "like" an addiction, it IS an addiction. This feeling will pass, but you must work at it constantly. It is a craving...........and this too shall pass. Taking off work and staying home, only gives you nothing but idle time to think about him, and only him. You will need to busy yourself for a while. Read as much information as you can, re-read what you have already read. You need to stay strong, you can do it. You are correct, it will hurt worse the next time, and the next and the next. It's what they do and now, he has no other desire but to destroy you and be done with you. Don't walk into his line of fire. Protect yourself from him and endure the obsessive craving that you are having. It's hard, I know.........but consider this. Going through another D & D, will be ten times harder. Stay strong!

#11 Jan 10 - 9AM

Movingforwardnow

I called you

Hey I just tried to call you, left you a voicemail. Text me instead or call me and I will talk to you until the urge passes. We have something to look forward to today...we are having coffee at 6:00. Smiles and hugs to you!!!

#12 Jan 10 - 9AM

Hunter

Read like a lunatic .. That

Read like a lunatic .. That will pass the time.. You know that Contact = Pain..fight.. Don't disappoint yourself .. Hunter

#13 Jan 10 - 10AM (Reply to #2)

lettinggoNP44

Make a list of 50 things you will do...

...before you contact him. What helps for me is reading the "What I will Not Forget" list. Have you made a list of how truly horrible he's made you feel? The beguile and trickery of this addiction is that you don't TRULY REMEMBER how freaking awful it feels. You are chasing a dragon...Don't go back there. I'm on the exact same timeline as you. Today is 6 day NC. I definitely have had the urge to contact him too. And believe me, even today I wanted to call out of work - but I've made a rule that I'm not allowed to do that anymore because it makes it excruciating, because you are stuck in your head, with nothing else to harness your time. No wonder you want to reach out to him, you've set yourself up for it. It is definitely an addiction. And the more you exercise your serenity muscles and don't indulge, the easier it will be. I always say that the first two weeks of NC are the hardest because of the very real withdrawal pangs. Pining and searching for someone you cared about is totally normal. But it's not a sign you are meant to be with them. In fact with narcs, the only way is cutting them out like a tumor.

#14 Jan 10 - 10AM (Reply to #3)

aquabella

Thanks Letting Go. I think

Thanks Letting Go. I think it is time for me to make that list. I haven't really felt able to do that or write the goodbye letter yet, but I think the list would be a good project for me today. xoxo Lynn

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