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So tired of being tired....

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#1 Jan 23 - 12PM
HelpMeHeal
HelpMeHeal's picture

So tired of being tired....

Did any of you suffer from extreme insomnia at the beginning? When does the sleeplessness begin to subside? I have been NC since the last D&D just over two weeks ago. I wake up every single night, and he's my first thought. At first, in my grogginess, I forget why I am awake. Then that terrible, sudden PANG of hurt reminds me. I start thinking back to the good times, then the OW he flaunted on FB, then all of the clues I missed, the mean texts, the way he started to withdraw his attention from me, the fear of disease, the missing him, the wishing I never got involved, the 'what the hell was I thinking?'... "Will I ever get my old life back?"

I just want to sleep soundly one night. I can just see him snoring away next to his wife, having peaceful dreams of the next day's plans. He'll tell her he's at work, but I -- and many others -- know better. He's a serpant - always out and about getting his fill. Why isn't his wife and the OW figuring this out? Why am I the only fool in pain? In a sense, I believe it's my Karma. Not saying I don't deserve it. Just saying I hope it ends soon....

Jan 24 - 8AM
MandyM
MandyM's picture

I remember always wanting to

I remember always wanting to sleep - ALWAYS. Like someone else said, it was my way of avoiding dealing with what was going on, plus I was so used to him calling at night that when he suddenly STOPPED calling with no explanation, it was excruciating to be sitting home alone in my house listening to the silence and desperately waiting for the phone to ring. Then I'd wake up in the middle of the night and realize he hadn't called and now it was too LATE for him to be calling and he obviously wasn't going to, and my heart would shatter all over again. When I woke up for good in the morning, I would have the worst anxiety attacks as I remembered what was happening and that he seemed to have removed himself from his life and I had no idea why. I missed him so much, and his absence was so palpable. Sleep was a good escape, but waking up and remembering reality every single time I slept was hell on earth.
Jan 23 - 3PM
peachesn
peachesn's picture

Agreed, the insomnia was

Agreed, the insomnia was difficult to deal w/...that, or I'd just want to sleep so I wasn't facing my feelings and what was happening. I do believe it's part of the healing process; our bodies and minds are trying to come to terms w/ the horrible things we endured. Have you ever tried meditating? A strategy that was recommended to me when my mind wanders is to say 'the' so that I wasn't focusing on him. I now say 'love' which is much nicer. I found meditation, prayer and therapy really helpful in getting sound sleep. That and letting my anger out! As difficult as it is (I still struggle w/ this!) is to not compare yourself to his wife/OW. It is a complete waste of time...she is suffering somehow b/c he is a destructive being. Be gentle and kind to yourself. You are doing so well and NC is a massive part of that. Stay strong xx
Jan 23 - 3PM (Reply to #4)
HelpMeHeal
HelpMeHeal's picture

Thank you for the kind words.

Thank you for the kind words. I will try meditation. I do take a few deeps breaths to calm myself and refocus my thoughts. I guess I just need to keep at it.
Jan 23 - 1PM
Jax
Jax's picture

Yes

There was insomnia, in the beginning, middle and finally in the end. It started out with "something isn't quite right..." than went on to "how do I get out of this?" It was like my mind and body was on alert just waiting for something bad to happen or for him to say something stupid and hurtful and he never disappointed. As for the OW, I've come to the conclusion that they are either just like him, or just like us (kind and caring). I don't think anyone gets out without pain on some level. Thankfully, one day is better than the next, and so on, that's the way its been for me. It takes time and no contact.
Jan 23 - 2PM (Reply to #2)
midnight7
midnight7's picture

So true Jax.

So true Jax.