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In so much pain...again....

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#1 Apr 19 - 8PM
sarah787
sarah787's picture

In so much pain...again....

Ahhhh. I am about to f'ing crack.

After this past weekend spending all this time together, him getting me over to his apt. 1.5 hours away, telling me how much he loves me/ misses me, how he wants to be with me, having sex...now he thinks it just doesn't feel right. He tells me he love me but just doesn't know.

I've been waiting for him for over a year since the last time he broke up with me. I have tried to go NC, but I either cave or he does and we sleep with each other. He has had other short term GFs this last year, and here I am waiting in the sidelines.

I beat myself, I think I am crazy, over emotional, every therapist I go to see thinks I need to work on myself, and maybe he is worth another chance.

I went NC..I was doing so well, and now I feel used, I feel so so so stupid. I feel suicidal, I feel ugly. Both my roommates use to be single with me and now they are both dating, no one wants to date me.

I feel like I called him too much these past few days, I pushed him away. He just tells me it doesn't feel right. I HATE MY LIFE RIGHT NOW. I don't know why I can't find someone else to date me. No one takes interest in me. He is the only guy that has found me to be beautiful. I can't tkae this pain anymore. I can't.

Apr 19 - 8PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Sarah

Ok, STOP!! No one wants to date you? WHy are you so worried about dating? Worry about Sarah. If you don't like who you are why would you think anyone else will like you? First things first, Get rid of this narc for good. NCNCNCNCNC! Get into therapy and start to find out about Sarah. What does Sarah like, How does Sarah have fun, ETC. You need to shift your focus. I gotta tell you, today I heard three tragic stories, !. a co worker gave birth to a child that will likely live an unhealthy life. 2. A 46 yr old woman lost her battle with cancer she left three kids motherless 3. My 40 yr old friend found out she had inoperable brain cancer. Life is too short my friend, to obsess over a disordered heatless man, well. it just isn't worth it. Learn to enjoy life, It's a beautiful gift. Don't let some asshole screw it up. Hugs Idealk
Apr 20 - 5AM (Reply to #4)
sarah787
sarah787's picture

You are right, I know. I get

You are right, I know. I get SO mad at myself that I waste my life over a guy, ONE guy! But at the same time I feel like life is too short, why are him and I apart? Our love is far from perfect, but it's love. I am a very active volunteer, I go to therapy, I just can't seem to figure this out. I STILL feel like I am the one with the emotional problems NOT him. I feel like I screwed up this weekend, if I just did something different he'd want to be with me. I am constantly seeking his validation. I've tried NC, once for more than 60 days, I try to pretend my life w/ a man isnt bothering me, but when youre 23, both of your roommates are always dating, I can't help but think something is wrong with me.
Apr 20 - 9AM (Reply to #7)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Sarah

I was your age when my Narc did this to me the first time, I miss him for 20 yrs! I had no idea what PD is! You have this knowledge! Look at this as lesson. As for your friends, I have a lot to say about that too, but I won't , this is about Sarah and getting healthy! You are focusing on what's around you instead of what's in you! I'm here to tell you a Man does not make Sarah Sarah! Sarah needs to do that! A thought just came over me.. Oh if I could be 23 again. Watch the Movie " Peggy Sue Got Married" its a bit out dated but you'll get the gist! Idealk
Apr 20 - 10PM (Reply to #8)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

IDEALK! AWESOME FILM!!!

I also recommend...."Whatever Happened to Shirley Valentine"...I think you'll dig that one too...and for those who believe that life just isn't complete unless you get married...Muriel's Wedding with Toni Colette
Apr 20 - 9AM (Reply to #6)
spinning
spinning's picture

Sarah, sweetie,

I feel your heartbreak and pain. Please listen to Ideal and Diedre (and me). Love does not equal pain. Love does not feel like what you're feeling right now. You may think you and this USER have "love," but what you are feeling is not what love feels like. Also, a guy who loves you doesn't make you drive to his apt. 1.5 hours away to get laid. I don't mean to sound blunt but that's what's real. This so-called "person" has messed with you for a long time and for some reason (to which you must find the answer), you're allowing it. I am here to tell you that when you just STOP, do NOTHING, as hard as it is, things will become more clear. You will discover that this is VERY UNSATISFACTORY for you. You will know that YOU DESERVE BETTER. And guess what, better will come to you! I promise! It is happening to me without even trying... ...I am 5.5 months NC and amazing things are happening including a chance encounter with a really hot man who seems interested in ME!! People are responding to me much differently now that I am away from the chaos and confusion of the disordered one...it's really great, Sarah. I want you to feel that! Please just try to go NC. Try to make a commitment to YOURSELF, as much as it will not be easy to go through the pain of letting go, IT WILL PAY OFF in your happiness, mental health and future. A big huge hug to you, Sarah. You are very young and good things await you if you are willing to do the work on yourself. most sincerely (think I've finally stopped) spinning...AND IT'S FEELING GREAT

spinning

Apr 20 - 8AM (Reply to #5)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

{{{hugs}}} Question...why do

{{{hugs}}} Question...why do you need his validation? I have struggled with this too, and am working on myself now. I no longer desire to hear from that ex N. It's only been a few days of complete NC, but I gotta tell ya. When you accept the role you play in this...and how you hold the keys to your own happiness and not this man? You will be set free. And, what you both have is not love. I don't mean to be harsh. But, love doesn't come in the form of a user. He used you. And you are letting him. You need to find out why, or you will let him use you again. Or you'll let someone else after him, use you. It's not enough to just go NC. You have to reflect as to why this cycle keeps repeating. It keeps repeating because you let it. It was as though the scales fell from my eyes recently...with all of this. I have been set free. And you can, too. and ideal makes some EXCELLENT points!
Apr 19 - 9PM (Reply to #3)
Precious
Precious's picture

great advice Idealk - working

great advice Idealk - working on ourselves, and building our self worth is the number one priority in my life. I am not even thinking about trying to date anyone. I am just taking this time to process all the junk that is stuffed inside and to enjoy the things that I have always wanted to do, but my N kept me from because there was never time for it after taking care of his every wish and trying to make him happy with me, love me, want me, and all of that was a waste of time. Now my focus is ME ME ME.
Apr 19 - 8PM
HopeAgain
HopeAgain's picture

I was exactly where you are 4

I was exactly where you are 4 months ago. I couldn't stop letting him use me because I thought it would keep us together. I was lying to myself and hurting myself by continuing the cycle. Please be strong enough to stop the cycle. It will keep going until you can swim out of the riptide. I know how hard it is..gut wrenching actually! I didn't want to live anymore because of the pain and the absolute confusion. I was betrayed the whole time but he was a pathological liar and I was emotionally and psychologically battered to the edge of my sanity. You do not need to be validated by dating a man or having sex with a man. I though I had to give my heart again in order to get over him...NOT TRUE. I thought it was hogwash about loving yourself and just taking time to "find yourself". It is not an option. You should not be datng because you are not whole. Without my exN I finally feel beautiful again. I am finally me again. Please know you are not alone and you are strong enough to get out. I never thought in a million years I would be able to walk away..but I survived and you will too. Feel free to message me if you need to.