So I begin again.....

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#1 Apr 27 - 2AM
Lucky Escape
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So I begin again.....

Hi all, I haven't posted for a long long time, last time was over a year ago! I had been NC for nearly a year. This is a long post, thanks for reading.

I had got my life back, was happy, working on myself and my own issues and knew exactly what I had been dealing with.

I received a Hoover on my work email, on my son's Birthday last year in March, wishing him a happy Birthday, this was after dropping a colleague home that week, who happened to live in the same street as N, who was sitting in his car on his drive as I drove by. Clearly to him, I was only there to "stalk" him!!

I have since found out that he had recently broken up with OW and been hoovering his ex wife also. He had her around for a meal with the kids 3 weeks before contacting me and had asked her if she ever thought "what if?". She clearly knows what he is as he got cut dead. 2 days before he contacted me he messaged her asking if she wanted to go out with him and their kids for the day??? WTF, why o why am i surprised??

Well, I hate to admit to this and am wearing a tin hat right now but I responded. To cut a long story short, I went back. He was in therapy....he was so different to the man that left me so brutally before. The first 6 months were text book honeymoon, he did EVERYTHING in his power to hook me back in and believe me, I was looking for any sign, but the signs I ignored were the classic love-bombing, paying for stuff for me, buying me stuff, taking me away....so this is what I need to work on for me, this stuff is not normal! Only once did I see the mask slip and I finished it there an then, went NC but he begged me, cried, told me he couldn't be without me, saying I had no idea how "vulnerable" he was, this I had never seen before (just a change of tactic I now know). During this time, he was still in therapy, finding out that his issues stemmed from being "controlled" by his ex wife - methinks that the therapist may have been fooled. I was! His family and children didn't know we were back together for the first 6 months - due to the black picture he had painted of me and he wanted to tell them when he had completed his therapy.

I could go on and tell you so much but you all know the pattern here. His children didn't want anything to do with me when he eventually told everyone we were back together. Refused to come and see him. At Christmas, they suddenly did a massive U turn, all coinciding with him buying me and my kids a beautiful puppy. This I was suspicious of, red flags all the way, seemed very strange. Next on his agenda was us moving in - by February this year, it transpires that he wants to set up his own business, was going to sell his house and use the cash from that for his business. In the meantime, I am to sell my house and use money from that to buy a house with him and his kids and all co-habit again. These are children who don't like me apparently so how is that to work? Spending time all together I was always uneasy, overheard little remarks from his eldest and his demeanor changed towards me - red flags galore. One Sunday morning I told him I felt wobbly about buying a house, instead of discussing it with me, he got up when downstairs and told his eldest..."I think she knows what I am up to and doesn't want to buy a house", her reponse "what after we've been so nice to her?". One example of many I could give. When I challenged him on this, it was me hearing things, I was paranoid - gaslighting....head now covered in red flags. I said I didn't feel comfortable co-habiting when things clearly were not right with his kids, they surely needed more time to get used to the idea, so did I, it was literally 2 months since we had met up with them again. This was about 6 weeks ago, since then, I truly believe he has moved on, closed shop and planning his exit strategy using the crazy making technique. This isn't about love with these people. I am not even sure he is a true N but abuse is abuse...whether you can see it or not, I had that feeling, that gut instinct that something, something was just not stacking up here. And all the things he seemed to have learnt from his therapy to hook me back in suddenly disappeared. In the last few weeks, the real man was back. He even quoted again "you are in love with the idea of me" - no a version of him actually. Makes me feel ill to my core.

I ended it this week, however, in usual N style, it's all my fault as I can't be a grown up and rise above remarks made by his 15 year old daughter.....last contact was when I went to collect some belongings from his house - 24 hours after we broke up, he had that glazed look in his eyes and had great pleasure in telling me he was looking at rental properties that day (moved on already!), and that if we were ever going to work, I needed to prove to all his family and children that I had changed!!! I managed to do it with him apparently OMG. I have also pushed him away apparently, made him feel unhappy, well who can blame me. A normal relationship people talk about stuff that worries/concerns them, with an N, it's just too close to ripping the mask off. How dare you see the real me, I can't even look at that!!

The devaulation and discard this time wasn't as cruel, I am not spinning, too much and don't need to look for answers - just so so disappointed in myself. I know what I am dealing with here, the covert verbal abuse, the gaslighting, the crazymaking. I know the pattern here, last time he was with OW within 2 weeks, rinse and repeat. This time round, I don't care, as long as he is not with me, he's out of my life. I don't want to know. I have blocked him via phone etc. Still have some weeding out to do but this rollercoaster is now out of service, permanently.

So a lesson well and truly learnt....I need to work more on me, I am worth so much more than him. I got out, this time I listened to the red flags and that feeling in my core, my soul screaming out that I am in a different reality to him. When you have had enough, you shut the door. So I know that being here 18 months ago, having the support of people here was truly incredible. I hope you don't judge me too much!! I feel such a muppet. I have wasted a year of my life again on this poisonous self serving creep and halted my own healing and journey. But now it begins again.

I know you may want to know why I went back. When I first went back it was almost to see if I was right about him. To anyone else ever doubting, believe me, we are right, we don't need to expose ourselves to any of their drama/chaos ever again to know that. We don't need to do what I have done to validate what we know. Believe what they are. They don't change, they just change tactics.

Thanks for reading, it feels better already to have shared with you xx

Apr 27 - 11PM
HappyToForget
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No judgment at all

Apr 28 - 3AM (Reply to #9)
Lucky Escape
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Happy to Forget, thankyou for

Apr 27 - 10PM
kitequeen
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I can understand

Apr 27 - 2PM
Done sourcing
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We can't change the past, but

Apr 27 - 8AM
ItsFinallytime
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Ugh. Welcome back. You're

Apr 27 - 12PM (Reply to #5)
dee.ann
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I know I'm ready and would like support

Apr 27 - 7AM
Hunter
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Just another story of how a

Apr 27 - 2PM (Reply to #2)
Lucky Escape
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Thanks for the support, I

Apr 27 - 2PM (Reply to #3)
Goldie
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Hi lucky