So grateful to the support offered

I feel indebted and humbled by the support and heartfelt goodwishes demonstrated by, to and from everybody to everbody on this site.

I also feel ashamed because my experience, my 'story' is nowhere near as harrowing as other people's and that floods me with shame that I need and crave guidance regardless.

My ex did not beat me, or stalk me or anything unmentionable like that. Nor did I tolerate it for that long - 15 months and I took enough, 20 in total if you count the period of NC when he wriggled his way back in to my head, my feelings and my heart.

I am constantly reading people's posts and thinking about myself "you had it easy, love - these guys are the real victims, be glad you got off so bloody lightly. Get it together, grow up."

Maybe this is bargaining, defensive behaviour. I feel very often like I am the drama queen for creating it all, that maybe I was responsible all along.

I am sure that many of you have felt exactly the same when the proof is there in the pudding - nobody made them attack you, beat you, call you names or diminish you - least of all, you. Your biggest crime was to love and to try to understand them.

In all of this, I am coming to believe that on a scale of 1-10 (10 being the worst) my ex was probably a 2 or a 3.

He was emotionally manipulative, yes. He played mind games, yes. He was a control freak, yes. He lacked empathy and / or was so scared of showing it because he feared losing control or face.

All of this is true.

Did he beat me? No.

Did he call me names? Not bad ones. He told me to fuck off, he implied it rested with me 98% of the time. He let me cry. He offered no comfort when I did. he put the boot in when I was down by witholding affection or kindness. He dumped me repeatedly to make a point and 'to be heard.'

Were the games mental? Yes.

Do I think there was spite involved? On balance, yes, born of a need to control, borne of a fear of being unloveable or rejected.

Do I think he set out to hurt me at the start? No. Do I think he manhandled the situation (us) and couldn't get to grips with his 'loss of control' over us and being the 'other man'? Yes.

I think much of his conduct was based on selfishness and immaturity.

I have struggled with the manner in which he ended it and whether I was culpable in some way.

He bit my hand off agreeing when I suggested meeting him after 5 months of (almost) NC. I had done 5 long, hard and painful months of cold turkey NC, fighting it each and every day. That, following being a clinging, simpering, sobbing mess. Quite a departure from the norm that sent him reeling.

Do I believe that he wanted that reunion and had missed me? Yes. Do I believe he had plenty of time to reflect and saw he had been a prize arsehole? Yes.

Do I believe he met somebody else in that time? No. Did he regret his conduct? Yes, he seemed to. Was his apology sincere enough? No. Was control and immaturity involved again? Yes, I believe so. Was he afraid of 'losing face'? Yes.

His period of not contacting me had been borne of cowardice and fear. "I wanted to contact you, I thought about you every day but I was afraid you wouldn't want to hear from me....". Wimping out. I wimped out too, but for other reasons. I couldn't take any more of his game-playing or stinging words. If it was over, I didn't need a 'closure' meal to hear it.

I used that time to 're-trench' and to collect my scattered, disjointed thoughts. Regrettably not enough.

Is this a man who has any real grasp of the emotional damage he can inflict? No. Perhaps yes. Does that make him malicious? Perhaps, if he is aware of it and sees it as a personal strength - 'hurt or be hurt'. Does it make him selfish and immature? Yes. Does that make him an emotional coward for not confronting that? Most definitely.

Could he take a dose of his own medicine? Like most bullies, no. He chose to up and run rather than choose the fight. Fight or flight. He took flight.

No, I believe that his ultimate rejection of me was borne of wounded pride, an angry hurt little boy who wanted instant forgiveness from Mummy and not liking it when Mummy said 'NO.'. Sensing that Mummy was going to prove her point - 'I will be a doormat no more. You are no longer eagerly welcomed in to my world.'

When language is fear-based, it demonstrates a chronic, deep-rooted belief that one is unlovable or that things would end badly.

I tried to make him sweat after we reunited. That was deliberate point-making / scoring on my part. Schoolgirl error? Should have known his temperament better? ("I don't chase" were his words months before...).

My desire to show him I had inner strength, restraint and resolve overrode my ability to think clearly or to lapse back in to the 'sweet' old days or to even be natural with him. All of my moves during those 11 days were contrived, borne of a need to keep him at arm's length to give him a dose of his own medicine and to save my own dignity in the aftermath. Was that a childish mistake? Perhaps.

Is that a mistake I regret? Yes, to a degree.

I believe that my refusal to lie down and make it a bed of roses for him saw me being rejected - DISCARDED - for the final time. For him, the risk of rejection by me was too great. The message I sent was too powerful - "I will not be crapped on any longer. You are no longer the centre of my world."

The message I got back loud and clear was "I'm scared. I can't go through that pain again. I could say or do something and 6 months down the line we could be back here and we don't have the time to get it wrong again. There are too many doubts. GOODBYE."

He is a coward. I became angry and bitter and used my period of NC to punish and banish him because I was hurt and wounded by what he had done. I wanted him to learn and grow up and I felt the only way to make him do that was to stand up to him and banish him. That makes me culpable for my actions. Actions and reactions.

I am angry, sad and hurt that he bailed out of fear. I feel cheated of his commitment to the puropse, to us, to any real explanation. I feel cheated of what we began, but never really saw take off.

But I also know that other stories, other people have had far, far worse situations to deal with and I regret that I cannot offer any words of true understanding of these damaging people or encouragement at this time. The only thing I feel I can offer by way of comfort is the knowledge that we have all experienced pain, and you are never alone on this site.

I wish and hope I will be one of the success stories that can turn around at some point in the future and say "Thank you GOD. I dodged a bullet." I will pray for you all that you are able to do the same.

XXXX