So Angry Today

18 posts / 0 new

Last post

#1 Dec 17 - 12PM

truetotruth

So Angry Today

I HATE him today!!! Hate is a strong word I try not to incorporate into my verbal skill set.

Today I do hate him. My skin is crawling with revelations and realizations.

So many thoughts, so many things I have buried and forgotten.

Evil cannot even touch this man it recoils in fear. SNAKE!!
I get it..The lies...the deception.....it churns and my head swims.

I was nothing but a number, a supply, a fix, a toy, a pawn.

I can see him begging me let me in, let me love you.
I can't live without you yadda yadda boo hoo!!!

I read the storys here and I get whiplash for there are moments...terrifing moments when I am sure someone has the same Narc as me.

I need to move on. I need to refuse to let him take one more day of my life. HOW DOES HE SLEEP??? The anguish and heartache......He played me so well, even when I supicious he kept me blinded. I WAS HURTING HIM by accusing him!!!SICK SICK twisted evil horrible...mean ....I dont even know what to call him....I want to rewind....I want to fast forward...I want to scream at him I KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!! I KNOW the TRUTH NOW.

Get your new supply...con her like you conned me. Tell her you have no one. No family in this county. You are alone at Christmas. Tell her you know what its like to be her and have no family....But don't tell her the truth. You have supplies that are always there to fill you up. Dont tell her you are in love with your mother but for some reason will not go back home and be with your family. Dont tell her shes just a number to cure your emptiness.

Tell her she is beautiful. Tell her how you have never loved before. As you hold her in your arms and tell her what a beautiful life you will have, dont tell her your thinking about all the others and if you've said this before. When you break her will and crush her self-esteem, tell her its her fault. She should not balme you for the choices in her life.

Tell her you will always be there and when she loses a baby and has a seizure hop on a plane and go to Egypt.
When she becomes emaciated from the stress of lisoing everything..tell her she looks hot but remind her to look into implants.

When she talks to your freind " who says you had a relationship with her sister" call the one you say you love and accuse her of being the liar. Tel her "your freind" would never lie so it must be you.

When she uncovers your lies tell her shes crazy, paranoid and bitter. Don't tell her that she is so intelligent and wise beyond her years. Dont tell her the truth. Even when you are confronted with the truth never ever ever admitt to the lie. No matter what... and when she is on her knees begging you to stop the maddnes....stop the lies for her life and sanity not as your love but as a human....cry with all you have and look deep into her eyes and LIE somemore. When she realizes you will never tell the truth and it shatters her.....leave again to Saudi Arabia...wait her out for 6 weeks and pray she will forget that she saw the devil himself. Invite her to meet your family but tell her all the things she must change in order to be accepted. Tell her if she was better behaved she could have the family that she so longed for. Tell her because she accused you of lying she lost her chances. She will be alone forever.

I hate you....do you hear me....Your rings are taking a trip with me to the ocean. Everything else is gone. Our bed. The cards the emails the text the pictures, ALL THE LIES....gone...

Just like you ...Gone.

#2 Dec 17 - 8PM

Amazed

True to Truth you rock!!

I am SO GLAD to hear you coming to terms with the reality of this man, he is NOT a man at all, he is a con, a fake, a fraud. WE, ME, have been in your shoes. We know what it is like to give your everything, to someone, who promised you, yet had no intentions EVER of fulfilling it. You know what, it is sad, it is horrible, when you start to come to perspective, and see how he just had you duped by him, all along , the evil is HE KNEW the game he was playing with you. I am so glad you are seeing him, beyond the incredible facade, mask, that he portrayed to you, and get this, everyone else in their life. They do this to their family, friends, anyone. Be glad, thank God you exposed him, and can now see what he really is. It is shocking, protect the great person that you are!!!!!

#3 Dec 17 - 7PM

faithinthefuture

truetotruth

First I love the name you have chosen. True to truth. I think it symbolizes who we all are. :-) I haven't been on here for awhile commenting. Just come on and read. I've been doing better...or so I thought. But your post stirred up some shit in me today that I just had to respond to. EVERYTHING you said hit a chord. Your words were amazing! I don't like the word hate. I raised my kids not to say the word hate. I don't like feeling hate. It's such a strong word. But...Today I do hate the XN. I hate all of them. For what they did to us and took away from us. Even tho he's an X and will NEVER again be a part of my life. Today I hate him. I think I've been afraid to say that. To admit that. Afraid the hate would never go away and take over my heart. I know that's not who I am. But I became someone I didn't know when I was with him. Someone I swore I would never become. But Bri hearing you say the hate has a season and it will pass gave me the ok to let it out. I cursed him worse than any truck driver anyone's ever heard on my way home from work. And it felt sooo good! Just knowing I KNOW what a lieing cheating fake immature insecure fake SOB he is makes me smile. He thinks he can get away with it with everyone else but he knows he can't with me and that gives me great pleasure. I still want to punch the lil fuckers lits out tho! I DO FRICKING HATE HIM!!!!! I feel no pity for him. I feel disgust. He makes me sick to my stomach and my skin crawl! In the end I stood up for myself as much as I could with what was happening and I let him know what a loser I thought he was and I'm glad I did. Oh but when I think of all else I could have said....just to make myself feel better I could kick myself in the ass. And I'm pissed at me for becoming the groveling sniffling woman he saw. I can not wait for the day for him to see me now! I'm not sure if I would laugh in his face or be so repulsed that I would throw up! As Goldie said I want to close this chapter of my life and forget he ever existed. NC is the only way to really see the light I mean darkness of what they are. We will all get there when it's right for us. Godspeed to those to have any doubt. The pain is excruciating but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I promise. On 1/1/11 I will be 9 months NC. Happy New Year to Me!

#4 Dec 17 - 8PM (Reply to #16)

Amazed

Yes, I agree

Yes, hate is a strong word, however it is right to hate what destroys humanity. To accept it ,,,,would be worse!!! To turn a blind eye, and say whatever, is not human! It is okay to feel strongly, it shows,,,how much you really care..about you, your family, life...

#5 Dec 17 - 6PM

fooled no longer

let me add my anger to yours and empathise

i hate this A hole who destryoyed the life you had built as much as I hate this piece of shit that plays with my soul. Each thing has its season and when im able to extracate mysrlf from Narcmonster I will take him down I will make it my personal mission I will do it so secretly and cleverly he wont even know . He has chosen the wrong woman this time. tonight I called him what he is YOU PIECE OF SHIT!!! im ashamed to share whathe has done with anyone. I hate him yes there I said it. He will live to regret the day he ever lied to me or fucked with my innocence. I will not play fair I will not go quietly, i will go when he least expects it and I will start from the bittom again. I will get my spirituality, friends, courage, faith back that he sucked from me. I do believe he intentionally used me to parasite on and then exerted financial control. hes a dispicable pig. in fact thats an insult to pigs. hes an Arsewipe!!! hes a piece of shit!!! and just as someone has said, the details may differ slightly but our stories are all the same. I prefer anger to sadness, sadness drains you. anger will drive you to change the situation Anger is fuel! and it too will pass but it is necessary and needed. iI validate every woman here who has been ignored. living through this soul rape is horrendous! I applaud you all for sharing!

#6 Dec 17 - 5PM

Susan32

Anger keeps you alive...

It kept me alive. With the ex-Psych professor, it was always LIES LIES LIES, and if all else fails, lie some more. I told him I HATED HATED what he did, what he did was hateful--and he wanted me to hate him. He was practically on his knees begging me to hate him... but I did not give him that satisfaction. He was the type who loved being hated... he knew his students hated him, his colleagues hated him. He wanted to hear me say I hated him, so it would show his power. But no. I hated his BEHAVIOR. I did not hate HIM. He had to settle for those crumbs.

#7 Dec 17 - 3PM

Briseis

Your narc is apocalyptically

Your narc is apocalyptically LOATHESOME. I hate him too (FWIW). That he can sleep at night is evidence, if nothing else is, that he is as disturbed and loathesome and evil as you believe he is. Go ahead and hate him. This is one person who you do need to hate. I'm on the other side of my "hate" for the exNarc. So I feel comfortable telling you that this hatred has it's season, and like all seasons, it will pass. Having hatred in your heart is not comfortable (it's not for me). Deep in your psychological processes, the hatred is like a knife separating you from him. At very deep, emotional levels. Hatred is like your immune system going after the bacteria in your lungs. When the threat is gone, and it will be, so will the hatred be. It will become indifference. Each person is different, in this. I know many ladies who could not bring themselves to hate their exNarc/abuser. This is a personal style and not everyone will fit into a particular slot. I hope that people respect whatever expression comes up from within them and not debate on the "rightness" or "wrongness" of hatred. I know I hated mine with every fiber in my being, and I let it spend itself and my life has grown and flourished. I do not carry hatred for another living thing or soul. I have not become infected by it. So what you feel . . . is right for you. This loathesome prick is who'll end up being ALONE. Not you :)

#8 Dec 17 - 1PM

Goldie

Get it out Girl

Are you sure you are not talking about the Narc I was with? Sounds exactly like him. Getting it out is such a natural part of this process and your story, while so very sad and painful, it is an important part of the lifting of their masks and facing the truth which is not an easy thing to do when it comes to loving a Narc. The betrayal and horror of their behavior is sureal and when we finally realize that it was all a horrible sham, the result is most likely going to be anger at having been taken. I went through this those first few months of N/C and I can remember now just walking around my house for days shouting at the top of my lungs: What a complete f ing piece of shit M--- was and how did I allow this freak of nature to almost destroy my home, body, finances, and good nature in 7 short months. I was livid and this is good because these very emotions are what is necessary to keep us from ever going back to these evil lower than whale shit pieces of human crap. The truth of the matter is that I did not allow anything. I did not realize the extent of his malice and sickness, I'm sure none of us did. I remember how awful it feels to hate them so much, however, it is a good sign that you are going through this, it is the beginning of your ticket to freedom. This will get better and in my case I no longer hate him, I only feel pity, repulsion, and a strong desire to close this chapter and eventually forget that he ever existed. Take care of you now and keep getting it out. They sleep fine unless they are drug addicts and are up all night eating, on porn, calling the OW, or looking for a fix. They do not have emotions like we do. I remember one Narc was telling me when a women he was with came to him to make amends (she was in a 12 step program) after I asked him if he made amends back (and he was the villian not her), he said no why would I apologize for anything, I did nothing wrong. I just said: oh really??? Their only distress is at the fact that they can no longer con us when we go N/C. What do you mean you cut off my supply??? Why, what did I do? You're the crazy one not me. Or, you are the love of my life, I have never loved like this before, which means: Baby, please let me back so I can con you some more. No more buddy, I'm all set. God bless, Beth

#9 Dec 17 - 1PM (Reply to #11)

truetotruth

Goldie

he said no why would I apologize for anything, I did nothing wrong seriously..word for word.... maybe there is a training camp we are all unaware of.

#10 Dec 17 - 1PM

Hunter

There u go! Now you re

There u go! Now you re moving in the right direction. You'll be ok, they really are all the same. :(

#11 Dec 17 - 1PM

michele115 (not verified)

And keep on letting it out!

Here where its safe. Been there and I can relate. Don't suppress it whatever you do. Health & Hugs...

#12 Dec 17 - 1PM

helldweller

truetotruth

This angry post is so beautiful. You know why? Because it's real. I am praying for you, crying and screaming with you. Hating with you. I'm so sorry. They are all the same. I could have written every word of that, just replacing "Egypt" and "Saudi Arabia" with "Las Vegas" and "California." Every word. I'm so sorry.

#13 Dec 17 - 1PM (Reply to #4)

truetotruth

Helldweller

Then my dear we are a fine pair!!!! Thank you for being with me....thank you for being the brace for my backbone. I am with you too.....fighting the good fight....if you ever need me Holler... If you need a brace for your backbone or a boot with a kickstand...I got you :) Love and light... ps. One thing I realized is when you said "they are all the same"...maybe we all are too....that in some way only the tenderest of hearts could share the bond and the story all of us women here share. I realized right now that being with Ex brought me to you all.....so I guess in the end.... I did get lucky.

#14 Dec 17 - 3PM (Reply to #7)

Hunter

That's so sweet of you. Way

That's so sweet of you. Way to turn lemons to lemonade.You've seen the light, keep it bright! Oxox

#15 Dec 17 - 1PM (Reply to #5)

Goldie

Interesting point

One day my X left his computer on and his fb account open. A friend of his clicked on chat and I thought, now is my chance to find out what is really going on so I pretended to be him. This was easy, all I had to do was spell all the words wrong and talk like a moran and the friend took the bait. I went on about how I was so sick of this crazy bitch I was living with (me) and how I needed some action. He immediately responded with a pick up website where::: and I quote::: The bitches are all insecure and needy and will do whatever you want them to do. Wow!!! Nice huh? They are not nearly as stupid as they act... They know exactly what they are doing when they choose us. They look for whatever weakness we may have, and they became the make believe answer to that weakness as part of their scam and then once they have us hooked they go in for the kill. Kind of shed a whole new perspective on the thing when I read those words from his friend and he did not hesitate to say them. Course he had a bitch of his own at home, a girl sorry to say, not very attractive, morbidly overweight with three small children to raise. Guess he knew all about exploiting needy women and as they say: Birds of a feather flock together. So they know exactly what they are doing, don't kid yourself for a minute, anyone out there who still has sympathy for them and their pathetic childhoods. They are conmen and their game is taking you for a ride. Sorry, sad but true. They always got to me when I was in a vulnerable position. God bless, Goldie

#16 Dec 17 - 2PM (Reply to #6)

truetotruth

Goldie

ok ok as serious as the post was I had a good chuckle at this..... "This was easy, all I had to do was spell all the words wrong and talk like a moran and the friend took the bait"

#17 Dec 17 - 12PM

StillHurting

Sorry to hear you are angry, but

also glad to hear you are angry. Let it all out. Now that we know these guys are disordered, or most of them are, the realization that there is nothing we did or could have done any better. They did not want the relationships to work out. We were normal, they were fake. I found a box with all the letters, answering machine tapes, cards, etc. I was reading it all and remembering how everything was, and I literally burst into tears. It is really the only "evidence" that anything ever existed, as I am not allowed to ask about the past and why it changed. He said, "forget all that, I am not that same guy." What the hell? It is okay to be angry and write it all down here. It will get better!

#18 Dec 17 - 1PM (Reply to #2)

truetotruth

Never met so many

Never met so many wonderful people who are happy I am angry LOL......its so helpful. I have a huge weekend of friends and activities and i know they think...he's a BUTT HOLE just get over it..( i dont talk about it anymore)...Im not over it. Its been 4 years of my life and Christmas is our anniversary. This is my deep dark secret. Everyone is waiting to see when I return....This is so heavy. I do not want to give him anymore of my days, tears and heart. You guys understand....you get the devastion and this board and all of you beautiful, kind hearted, supportive angels are my refuge. Thank you sooo much for reading my vent!! I feel guilty for dumping it sometimes :( I know its good to get it out but sometimes when I finished I look and go WHERE THE HELL DID THAT COME FROM? Thank you.

Path Forward Buy Now Reviews
All About Her Buy Now Reviews
All About Him Buy Now Reviews