Six months out

Six months out of Narcnia this week I would like to raise a little glass to you. Thanks for everything I have learned, thanks for the laughs, thanks for the support and thanks for being the only place where I stopped feeling like a minority about my totally dysfunctional family and my disordered father. I am giving a name to something which I and nobody else could explain. This in itself is huge.

I guess this was my third bout with the narcopath over the past few years. Had I known a few months back what I know now I could have avoided so much of this. Now I feel I have a clear understanding of what they are and how they operate.

I have had days at the beginning where I could barely function, filled with anxiety, driven by this need to understand why this happened and what I could have done to avoid it or alter the outcome. I’ve had mad days where I am raging at everything and everyone, including myself, because I could not take it out on the object of my anger and hatred. I still wake up and think about it all and then in my mind I try and paint it all out like I am painting over graffiti. What stage am I at on TPF? No idea.
Compared to what I have been through in my life and the obstacles I have faced to be where I am , he is nothing.
I have a rage in me which makes me feel twisted, sarcastic and resentful of ‘normal’ people. It sometimes makes me blind to the good things in life. I think I know where that comes from. I have a strength in me which drives me on. I am not sure where that comes from but I am grateful for it.

My partner is my best friend. He has taught me a great deal. He helps quiet the storm in me and gives me love and support. He shares in my achievements and comforts me when the shit hits the fan. Despite all his money and bravado, the narcopath cannot compete on those terms and I think he knew that. He is a tragedy but it’s not my concern. Keep splashing the cash and picking up the mercy fucks. You never really had me and you never will.

Despite a few offers (and thanks narc but having a dying wife doesn’t make you single) I have always resisted being married. So messed up I could never entertain the idea of having children. Like it or not I feel I am finally wedded. To myself. It's not always a happy partnership and I need to work on it every day to find some peace and an ability to be content with just being who I am.

Cheers

TTTH