At sister's wedding and suffering triggers! need advice
At sister's wedding and suffering triggers! need advice
I am currently at my younger sister's wedding and will be a part of the ceremony. The majority of the guests (mostly my sister's friends in their mid 20s) are married already. I do not have a guest or significant other with me and when I was walking down the aisle for the rehearsal, I was not accompanied by a guy or groomsman. The pastor asked me with a sense of shock, "why don't you have a husband or boyfriend with you? You didn't bring anyone at all?"
This pissed me off and triggered thoughts of the XN who I broke up with exactly a month ago on valentine's day (yes how fitting). I had no intention of ever bringing him to this event, but I got annoyed at the pastor and snarled "I would rather not bring a loser to my sister's wedding, so I am fine by myself." The thing was, I was not exactly fine, I felt out of place and like something was wrong with me. It doesn't help that everyone I talk to about my XN tells me that it was my fault for being a "loser magnet", why did I stay, and that I must be the psychopath. This really hurts me and nobody understands. So going forward I will not talk to anyone other than members of this forum about my XN. Nobody else gets it and they just blame the victim.
I am bitter, jaded and angry about what happened to me. I have never been in a healthy, loving relationship and I sometimes worry that I will always be somewhat jaded even after recovery. I often think I will never have the good luck to get married because I just have been burned so many times that I've lost all faith in love and marriage. It makes me sad because I perceive myself as not "lucky" enough to ever join the marriage club. It also doesn't help that I'm currently surrounded by people who think getting married and having kids is the sole purpose in life, and that someone my age (31) should have done all that by now.
Any advice on how to deal with these feelings and obnoxious comments from outsiders? I know I am better off alone than with that jackass XN, but he made me feel this anger and bitterness. If he had never come into my life, I would not feel this way now.
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