Sinking In

It seems to be sinking in somehow. The big realization a few weeks ago was finally seeing he WANTED me, a recovering alcoholic (as he supposedly was at some point too), to drink. Why? So he could have a woman to drink with. So he could point to me and say, "See? It's her, not me." That alone should have sent enough warning signs off to have me running for the hills. Someone who wants me to drink has absolutely no good intentions for me and isn't FOR me in any sense of the word.

As the fog lifted from the alcohol, more things came to light. I think the fog lifting from the absence of spin is making things even more clear. I'm remembering things. Like the night he called and came over at 3 a.m. and then left at 4 a.m. because I had no alcohol and wouldn't drink. (I wasn't drinking then.) He was all about the alcohol.

And he didn't give one little damn that I had to work the next day. (He doesn't like to work. Never has.)

It's starting to sink in that it doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter exactly how disordered he is.
It's enough to know he IS disordered and doesn't think clearly.

It doesn't matter about the woman before me or the woman after me. (Though I have to admit that knowing his history and that he battered and cheated on the woman before me does help me see it's HIM -- and this is who he is.)

It doesn't matter where he is or what he's doing. It doesn't matter what the OW-now-NW thinks of me or how she thinks she's 'won'. (I thought that once upon a time too.)

It doesn't matter if I THINK they're happy sometimes. (Seriously. He's in jail. The whole thing is an illusion, including any semblance of happiness. If she doesn't see it before he gets out, she'll see it when he does.)

Beyond that, it doesn't matter if he finally gets clean and sober. It doesn't matter if he 'changes' if he COULD change.

He will always be the guy who lied to me.
He will always be the guy who used me.
He will always be the guy who stole from me.

He will always be the guy who cheated, manipulated, and made me spin.

He will always be the guy who verbally, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically abused me.

He will always be the guy who dragged me down and held me back (and always would). He was never going to change. He always was this guy and always will be.

He never deserved me.

His opinion, the things he said, doesn't matter. It was all manipulation anyway. None of it was true.

I deserve better.
I always did.
I am free. Right now. I am as free as I choose to be in this moment.

I am on the path forward. I'm rediscovering myself, rebuilding a life, being true to myself.

I'm not dating. It's a choice. I won't be dating for at least six more months. I'm working out. I'm hitting all my meetings. I'm doing group here. I quit smoking (tired of abusing myself). I'm in group that's spiritually-based. I pray. I meditate. I'm enjoying life more and more again. I have a great job. I have amazing friends and family. They're supporting and allowing my growth.

It WAS all about him.
Now it's all about me.

I know my truth.
I had normal reactions to his abnormality and abnormal life.
I don't need anyone to validate me or my truth.
I have a voice.

I'm on a journey and it's an amazing one.
I actually look forward to what lies ahead.

Grace