Should I write him a letter?

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#1 Dec 19 - 2PM

LinaS

Should I write him a letter?

This weekend has been hard. On Friday my ex-N defended his thesis. That was a day that we both had been dreaming of for a long time. I had so many plans. I felt like it would be my day too, since I have been so involved in the whole process, helping him, listening to him, supporting him in every way. I really wanted to be there. But instead it was his new girlfriend that got to be there, watching his dream come true.

This autumn has been so long. It´s felt like a lifetime. But I was talking with a friend the other day, and realized that it´s not been three months yet. It´s not even three months since he walked out of my life, leaving me broken.

I haven´t spoken to him since that last night, except for a few words when he came for his things a few weeks after that. He has sent me two letters. The first contained his thesis and the receipt for the broken dvd-player. The second (that I recieved only a few days ago) the 10-year guarantee for the suitcase that he gave me for my birthday a few days before he left. The first time he wrote me an impersonal note, ending it with something along the lines of "Have a nice life". The other time he didn´t even bother with a note.
I know that he meant to seem thoughtful, but it only made me angry. Because it doesn´t cost him anything to send me those things. Not even a stamp since he sent it from work. Being thoughtful would have been to not abandon me a few weeks after a miscarriage. Being thoughtful would have been to pick up a phone to call me and check if I was okay, or if I had had to have an abortion to remove the last remains of our baby. But that would have been uncomfortable. That would have cost something.

Now to my question. I have refrained from contacting him in any way. I haven´t answered his letters, and when he was here to get his things I slammed the door in his face when he wanted to talk. I know that it was the right thing to do, because he´s a master of manipulation. I can´t win a discussion with him. He can twist reality, and makes me feel like I´m in the twilight zone. The night he broke up with me it actually ended in me apologizing for not understanding his need to be unfaithful!

So I guess it´s good that I haven´t contacted him. But I hate the idea of him getting away with it so easily. I know that he has rationalized everything. That he has told his friends and collegues that our split was mutual. I think he actually has made himself believe that too. And now he´s got his brand new phD, and are leaving for Hong Kong in a few days for a new job with his new girlfriend. I want him to hurt! I want him to know what he did to me, and I want to tell him exactly what he is and what I think of him. So I´ve been writing a letter. But should I send it? He probably won´t give a damn, but at least it would be a way for me to getting all this stuff off my chest. Maybe it would get me some kind of closure.

Or maybe I just want to write to him because I´m hurting. Because I miss him and want him to respond in any way. That´s also true. So I would really appreciate some advice here. Will it only make it worse if I send him the letter? Or could it help me putting an end to all this in my own mind?

#2 Dec 19 - 4PM

LinaS

Thanks all of you. I won´t

Thanks all of you. I won´t send the letter. At least not today. Maybe someday, when I feel strong and confident I will. But not a day when getting a response from him is the important thing. I just feel so helpless all the time. I had no say in this. I can´t stop thinking of him. I hurt and he doesn´t. And these last few days he has had all his collegues and friends congratulating him and telling him what a brilliant man he is while I´ve been crying. But I´ll try to remember how empty he is, and what a empty life he will have. Briseis, thank´s for the advice about re-framing. I will try to remember that, even though it is hard for me to feel that I´ve won today. Hopefully one day I will, not just in my mind, but in my heart.

#3 Dec 19 - 4PM (Reply to #15)

Briseis

You have so much to feel sad

You have so much to feel sad about Let yourself grieve this loss. You want comfort and relief from the pain, but going to him who caused it in the first place is just crazy, you know? You don't have to reframe it to a big giant "win" for yourself right now. Baby steps are the way to go. Reframe it by remembering the misery and pain he caused you for all that time. You may be lonely and in grief . . . but you don't have him tearing you to pieces anymore. It's a crazy thing to miss the person who abused you and trashed you. Look up Trauma Bonding on Google. That's why we do this. Knowing how it is effecting you is going to help you get on top of it. The feelings that you are having are not feelings you want to be acting out on.

#4 Dec 19 - 3PM

Journey

OMG

I'm so sorry to hear about your miscarriage and what an insensitive, selfish a$$wipe your ex is. Writing a letter is cathartic, but sending it might not be. We all need to do what feels right for ourselves and that may be what you feel you need to do right now, BUT, any reply he does or doesn't give you now might only make you feel weakened and worse. If you send it and hear nothing back, that may just start up an obsessive searching through your inbox for a reply that never comes and another reason to feel hurt. If he does reply, he'll get the last word unless you reply back and then the dance continues. As it stands now, you have had the last word by not responding. My advice would be to keep it that way since he is obviously incapable of any genuine concern for your feelings whatsoever. Hope that helps :) Journey on...

Journey on...

#5 Dec 19 - 3PM

Deidre99

Briseis

Can you explain by what you mean by a letter is like a boomerang to us?

#6 Dec 19 - 3PM (Reply to #10)

Journey

Posted before seeing the others

I think in my post above I may have answered your question Deirdre: "If he does reply, he'll get the last word unless you reply back and then the dance continues." That sounds like a boomerang to me. Journey on...

Journey on...

#7 Dec 19 - 3PM (Reply to #11)

Deidre99

Yes, thank you.I am glad I

Yes, thank you. I am glad I sent the letter. But, he had been saying ...''eventually, we will not communicate any longer.'' I never understood his need to tell me this. Yes, friendships sometimes end. I don't keep in touch with every friend I ever had in my life. But, why the need to declare that? Then, a few weeks ago he told me I was one of his best friends hahaha He would say negative things like this a lot. One day I said...''I don't understand what you're saying.'' And his reply was ''you don't understand why I could take or leave this friendship?'' I was so upset when he said that. I didn't talk to him for days, and he sent an apology letter...he then upped his replies. They are predictable. Anyways...so sending the letter, it gave me some closure...but, I'm wondering now, if he is sitting back, and laughing saying...I didn't care about that girl anyways. *shrug* I wish my brain could be taken out and all the memories of this man wiped away!

#8 Dec 19 - 3PM (Reply to #12)

Journey

Deidre

"Anyways...so sending the letter, it gave me some closure...but, I'm wondering now, if he is sitting back, and laughing saying...I didn't care about that girl anyways." If you are wondering anything now because you sent a letter it sounds to me like it did not give you the actual closure you were seeking. An emotional closure for yourself maybe, but that can be done by writing it and not actually sending it. Sorry, I don't want to go back and forth about this and if you feel better for sending it that is all that matters. Like I said in my other post, we all do what we think we need to do for ourselves in our recovery. If we find out in retrospect there was a better way we could have chosen, that is part of our personal path as we're learning what is truly best for ourselves. Journey on...

Journey on...

#9 Dec 19 - 3PM (Reply to #9)

michele115 (not verified)

A Letter is like a boomerang

Because it comes back in the form of the bad feelings coming right back - maybe twice as hard. If you get a response it more than likely will be terse, or show a semblance of feeling and a big old Zinger at the end leaving you wondering even more...what did that mean? Or he won't respond and you'll be pining which causes more hurt because it dawns on you even more how less he cared... Or the whole letter will reek of insults.... You get the jist... Nothing phases them, nothing affects them, not even a well thought out letter.... Not even a nasty one... And somehow, even if you sent a ticking time time bomb...they'd somehow manage to escape... A letter is like a boomerang because it moves you much futher backwards than forward. Remember: These are not NORMAL people...these are Personality Disordered individuals who cannot be changed no matter WHAT you do. Which is why the only thing you can do is YOU.

#10 Dec 19 - 3PM

Briseis

Lina, don't bother. Nothing

Lina, don't bother. Nothing you can say in a letter to him will make him NOT get away with it so easy :( Letters to the Narc are boomerangs. They will come back at you, you know it will. Your loneliness is because of him, he is not going to soothe your loneliness right now. This is just plain old grief. Let yourself grieve. If it sounds right to you, write him a letter and post it here. Get it out of you. I'm three years out. My exNarc has clearly gotten away with it. Even though he's been in prison for almost two years and re-arrested for the same shit and thrown into drug diversion, I have no doubt he's schmoozing it up and acting like nothing happened. I don't need a Magic 8 Ball to tell me this. This is now Narcs are. It's one of those things we have no real good choice but to let GO of. This is personal experience here. No, I didn't want to let go. I didn't want him to win. So I had to look at it differently. There is more than one way of looking at something. In psychology it is called "reframing", taking a picture and putting it in a different frame can make the picture look "different". Different aspects of the picture pop out with dark frames, or light and airy frames. It's the same picture but you see it differently. If you see letting it go as him winning, then you need to reframe. In no way is he "winning". His life is doomed to never have real love in it because he can't FEEL it or acknowlege it's presence. Narcs are desperately lonely people, desperately empty, which is why they are on the hunt for supply every moment of their lives. They have a black hole instead of a heart and soul. They'll never find peace, or a safe place. Just the illusion of supply. This is more advanced kinds of things, and as you recover, they will make more sense and feel more true. In spite of how silly it may sound NOW, it is as true as the sun rising in the east. You won by getting away and saving yourself. THis also will become more and more "true" and real as you recover. Even if right now it seems like just a nice idea, it is as true as truth, whether you feel it or not.

#11 Dec 19 - 3PM

Scoop

Oh sweetheart ,lord know i

Oh sweetheart ,lord know i know how much you want to hurt him , it is natural , the piece of sh*t did and said unspeakable things to you xxxx The narc lives off youre emotional content because he has none , i can tell you what my narc would think it i wrote to him now and it would be this "Ahhh Scoop still is around ...excelent .. feeding time !" I have tryed many ways to hurt my narc and i have found the ONLY way is NC . He needs attention to live , like a parisite needs a host , even negative atention is his feed . Please dont contact him .. no good will come out of it , at the moment being only 3 months out how ever much you tell youre self you wont be wating for the reply it will be there at the back of youre mind when you click on youre email . and if he dosent reply really ask youre self how you will feel . Its about letting go of the rope and it is one of the hardest things i had to do , like in a tug of war i had to let go of the rope , lay it down and walk away ... You may not feel the winner yet but i can tell you in time that feeling comes creeping in and its worth it when it hits and all the grief has gone you can sit there with a little smile on youre face and mavle at how strong you where to walk away ...Big Love xx

#12 Dec 19 - 2PM

Deidre99

I'm so sorry for your

I'm so sorry for your miscarriage, and for this man hurting you so!!! :=( {{hugs}} You have been through a lot. I will say this. I wrote a goodbye letter. VERY VERY different circumstances than yours. We were ''over'' a while ago, and we had remained friends, in some way. But, he was always playing headgames, etc...and I finally decided to send a letter. My letter was more generic. I mentioned nothing about his offenses. I said I have been praying, and God wishes (basically I said this) for me to move on. To your situation. Let me ask...what do you hope to gain from sending a letter? It sounds from what you say here, like he lacks empathy. Has no concern for you or the situation. And has moved on to another gf. I'd say a letter would help you if you craft it in such a way, that truly brings closure. I know what it's like to want the last word. I felt that way with my letter, but again...you have pain that is so much worse than mine. But, at the end of the day...will you change this man with this letter? Or will you sending it only make him feel that he still is on your mind...and still has some power over you? Because if we could go into his head, and see that? I'd advise...not to write a letter. You don't want him having anymore satisfaction than he might already. It's sad, but they get satisfaction from hurting women. It's so weird!!!! And also ask yourself...if you would be heartbroken if he does not reply, to your letter. I am not heartbroken. I actually feel pretty good today. lol So...maybe reflect a little. And see if sending the letter will bring you to closure, or will it just keep open wounds...open. God bless you...prayers going up for you. {{hugs}}

#13 Dec 19 - 3PM (Reply to #2)

LinaS

You are right

I know that you are right. I shouldn´t send him the letter. At least not today when I´m hurting. I once promised myself that I wouldn´t contact him unless I felt strong and whole and like I wouldn´t care if he wrote me back. And I certainly doesn´t feel like that right now. But I just want to wipe that smirk off his face. And I truly believe that a letter from me would make him uncomfortable. He likes to see himself like this wonderful and thoughtful man that actually broke up with me for my own good. The night he walked away he explained that he had to do it because he wanted to be true to himself and to me. And would I really have preferred if he had stayed with me, living a lie and leaving me a couple of months later? I said yes, I would have preferred that, because that would had given me the chance to get my strength back and time to grieve for my baby. He didn´t have an answer to that. So I guess that a letter from me would hurt him in a way. But I suspect that my silence is hurting him even more. I´ve never seen anyone looking so shocked as him when I slammed the door in his I´m-a-puppy-and-I-doesn´t-mean-any-harm-face. And I have to admit that I want to write him a letter because I feel so lonely and angry and hurt. And because I can feel him slipping through my fingers, leaving for his new life. I know he´s no good. I know that I´m better off without him. But I still want him to come back. At least today I do. And I can´t understand that he´s just erased me from his life and replaced me. I can understand that´s what he does, but only in my mind. In my heart it seems like such a incomprehensible thing to do.

#14 Dec 19 - 4PM (Reply to #5)

aceonelady

Lina S...me too

I will tell you from bitter experience....Writing a letter wont help....Because,first they DO NOT CARE....second,it makes them feel good that you are suffering...And what really does kills us inside is being erased like we never existed and like you said our heads get it ,but our hearts don't...When i asked ex N why can't he act as a normal break up...he said This is normal to me....Hughs,i am on the same page as you are Lina....

Aceonelady

#15 Dec 19 - 3PM (Reply to #3)

Journey

I've decided now!

Please don't do it! From what you've just posted above, it will definitely hurt him way more if you maintain silence! Especially if you are writing it while upset in any way. That will only feed him supply. Your silence is the best eraser for that smirk! Journey on...

Journey on...

#16 Dec 19 - 4PM (Reply to #4)

Deidre99

Lina

I so wish I had been strong enough to not write the letter and send it. I vascillate. I felt good saying goodbye. I SAID IT. Not him. He never could say goodbye. Would threaten, just to hurt. But, I said it. But, in retrospect, I wasn't strong enough to just put him on permanent ignore. And maybe on some level, I felt sorry for him when he'd write nice emails. But, now I know...it was just a ploy to engage me...keep me as another fan in his club. I was doing well this weekend. But, that letter. I wish I didn't send it...and at the same time, am glad I did? How can that be? lol Two opposing thoughts. Lina...I think that in your case, since he has someone new...a letter will only cause him to think you still care. He is getting to you. And so on. In my case, I was not with this guy, dating, for some time. We were friends...and he always acted like he wanted more...but, when I'd come closer, he would be like...just as your ex said...''this is for the best that we are not together. God didn't bring me into your life for this.'' That was such a huge thing he'd say. ''God put me in your life for something different.'' Riiight. The truth is? God had nothing to do with this. I chose a bad guy. But, God will help me to heal. I pray for your healing, Lina.

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