A Shiny Red Apple With a Worm Inside

As I reflect on how it all started, I remember the first time I saw him. He was tall, thin, dark and handsome and he had a great smile. He was a successful lawyer and he had an aura of grandiosity and great confidence. He was charming and charismatic. When my daughter and I first met him, he kissed each of us on both sides of our cheeks as we were leaving. In some cultures, the kissing is normal but, I think he was already testing boundaries.

He was the most beautiful and magnificant man I'd ever met. He grew on me with time and it didn't take long before I loved him. Soon, there was a slip here and there. It was almost like he had a pimp-like mentality. He would say things like, "If you're good, I'll take you out more" or he would point out how valuable his time is, meaning I was lucky to get his attention. Everything was about him and his needs. He only called when he wanted something; rarely just to ask, "how are you?" So many red flags, including his drinking.

Early on, he said he was "bad" at relationships and I didn't take it seriously. That was probably the only honest statement he'd ever made to me. Once he figured out he had me, the mask started coming off and the worm started showing itself. It started with a few really cruel/insensitive remarks or behaviors and then unexplained absences for a few weeks at a time.

As time went on, I called him on his crap and that's not a good move with a N because they store the anger and let you have it later on, when you least expect it. His response was that he needed a "cool" woman. I gave him dozens of self-help books, some of which he read and others that offended him. He pretended to be spiritual. I stood up for myself but, wasn't able to let go and walk away. He became so cruel and sadistic but never ended it. There's no closure with a N.

How could such a magnificant and amazing human being end up being big red rotten apple? I fell hard for the facade/image/illusion. And what an image it was. I still have trouble connecting the dots...external vs. internal. I don't want to believe it but realize my survival depends on facing reality, head on.

In some ways, I took on some of the N characteristics. I became self absorbed with my pain and couldn't be there for others. I was sometimes verbally abusive towards him during bouts of frustration and I wanted to make sugar out of strychnine. To sooth the pain, there were times I would drink alone and write letters even though I don't like alcohol.

The big struggle is that there's a part of me that still believes my defects caused his bad behavior, but I'm slowly beginning to accept that I didn't do anything wrong. I responded in a healthy way to his abuse...the problem was I kept getting sucked back in, or, I would make contact after leaving. I learned that the more it shines, the more likely it is to be rotten. Taking a bite of the apple and chewing on part of the worm is purely toxic...guaranteed illness. All is not what it appears with a N.

Healing is about taking ownership for my part and accepting that the N was my teacher...he reflected back my wounded parts to afford me an opportunity to heal.