Shame/Regret

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#1 Dec 4 - 9AM
jjj1984
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Shame/Regret

Does anyone else struggle with shameful feelings about things they said or did post discard?

I’ve been cycling in and out of shame and acceptance and thought it would be good to write it out. After he discarded, I was at a point where I completely blamed myself for the demise of our relationship. He had convinced me that I was unstable and had a personality disorder and that I was unable to be happy and for a long time that tortured me. I spent weeks reading online about anxiety disorders, personality disorders and anything else I could find to try to “fix” myself (that’s how I ended up coming across NPD and the light bulb went off). I collected together all of my anxiety-driven behaviours and let them define who I was – I felt embarrassed about how much I had been drinking and of the zombie-like state from sleep deprivation that caused me to be edgy with people at work, and was also embarrassed at how insecure I had become. I didn’t recognize myself, or know who I was at all. I completely lost my identity. Who was I if I wasn’t George’s girlfriend? I loved his family with all of my heart, and it was all taken away from me. I almost drowned in self-loathing.

Right after the discard, I told him I’d change and wouldn’t mess things up again. I sent him a lot of messages and emails at first trying to rationalize what had happened and how it got to this point. I took the blame for what happened at first, even thought I knew damn well in the back of my head that there was much more to it. Nothing he said to me made sense, the person he described me as is the exact opposite of who I knew I was. His accusations of me were things I absolutely knew to be untrue, yet him saying them made me question if I was forgetting something. His cousin said it best recently when she said “it’s because he was describing himself”.

Despite knowing the depth of his issues and the pathological nature of all this, I still feel this shame and regret. Regret that I didn’t stand up for myself, and shame at the number of times I tried to talk to him via email or text. I wish I had exhibited more control. I let him win, so many times. I fed into his ego, so many times.

Just wondering if anyone else can relate…

Dec 4 - 11PM
Pumpkin
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I feel shameful

Pumpkin

Dec 4 - 9AM
Willow
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The cousin was right, he was

Dec 4 - 10AM (Reply to #3)
Goldie
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Willow you are on fire this week; you go girl!

Dec 4 - 9AM (Reply to #2)
jjj1984
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Thank you