Sex IS a big deal

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#1 Sep 20 - 9PM

Dema

Sex IS a big deal

One of the issues with me is that the thought of having sex with someone other than N is just icky. I am trained after so long to think of him that way.

And Sex IS a big deal. It does things to the emotions. It DOES bond us to another person. Especially with exclusion over a long period of time.

I think of sex, I think of N. I picture him - naked. Who else am I going to picture naked?

I know he's bad for me. But that is another part of all this. It really, truly is.

#2 Sep 21 - 8AM

Dema

Hmmm

N could climax in a minute or two with masturbation - but it frequently became exhausting to get him to climax during sex. I'm thinking this was performance anxiety - putting on a show. I always wondered why this was. Does that make sense?

#3 Sep 21 - 11AM (Reply to #25)

Pride and Shame

Porn?

Was he into Porn? You mentioned he liked to be in a room by himself for hours. Was Porn part of his escape? That will affect the real performance.

#4 Sep 21 - 12PM (Reply to #26)

Dema

Ummmm, yeah

He was really big on being told if we were going to do it so that he didn't do it himself first. Claimed he didn't. Thought it was embarrassing to not be successful. Dunno - how do you know when a liar is lying. But, yes, he was into porn. That was part of the reason for a private office with a lock and "No Admittance" on the door. That and the pot. There was a window airconditioner also - for the pot. But he quit the pot and joined Narcaholics Anonymous. Isn't that funny? I think it is funny that he was in Narcaholics anonymous. But nobody else here has laughed.

#5 Sep 21 - 5PM (Reply to #27)

Pride and Shame

Seriously NA?

I thought you were kidding. I had no idea there was a real group called Narc Anonymous. Can you imagine those meetings???

#6 Sep 21 - 11PM (Reply to #31)

tresor2

NA

NA - Narcotics Anonomous. I'm an addictions therapist/counselor and those meetings actually save lives and help a lot of people stay sober. You should attend...as a visitor. And I have no doubt N's attend, as many are addicts. There are AA, alanon, Cocanon, overeaters, and a multitude of other meetings. But no, I have not seen a Psychonon meeting.

#7 Sep 21 - 8PM (Reply to #29)

Dema

NA

Yes, he was busted for Pot. He hasn't been on it for a while - but life was better when he was stoned. He had a "No Admittance" sign on his locked office door and a window airconditioner inside to pump out the fumes. Didn't bother me and kept him from raging. Oh well. But yes, Narcaholics Anonymous.

#8 Sep 21 - 11PM (Reply to #30)

foreverfun1

mine smokes pot nonstop and i

mine smokes pot nonstop and i hated it. but he was so hateful when he couldnt get any that i actually started to like it better when he was high too!

#9 Sep 21 - 5PM (Reply to #28)

foreverfun1

but it's not for our Narcs

the narcaholics anonymous group is for people addicted to narcotics like alcoholics, u know, narcotics like pain killers and other street drugs

#10 Sep 21 - 4AM

Puzzle

I feel your pain, I used to

I feel your pain, I used to be a total sex addict when it came to him. Now the thought of it with anyone else sickens me. I just think it will be dissapointing. I think we all just have lost that ability to trust someone, they have taken a part of us that just doesn't feel like it will heal anytime soon. The thought of one night stands makes my skin crawl, yet when I was single in the past I had them (they were all awful though), I just feel like nothing will live up to it. Dating is a like a rude word to me. I just think it will take a lot of effort to be attracted to someone again and I can't imagine having good again.

#11 Sep 21 - 12AM

lillymarch

You are right!

But! It's not everything. Sex with my exNH was amazing. But, I remember having amazing sex before him. I had a 2 year boyfriend before the N and we had so much fun. And he is still my friend today. Not a narc at all. Sometimes I think I could love just about anybody if they could just treat me decently but I think I'm setting my standards too low! I'm finally enjoying being alone (as alone as I can with a bunch of kids!), having my own bed is amazing, cooking what I like, staying up as long as I like, getting up when I'd like. It's amazing. Every once in awhile I'd love a warm body to cuddle up to but I know I'm not ready. I did see a really cute guy the other day and almost started a conversation but chickened out! Oh, well. I'll get the nerve soon!

#12 Sep 20 - 11PM

TNR1

The Un-Hole-ly trinity...that

The Un-Hole-ly trinity...that is what I felt like. Just three convenient holes for him to stick himself into as far up/down as he could. He loved being rough, thought he was king of the mountain when I would moan (little did he know or care that I was in pain). Sex is an act....and when it is over...the show ends (usually with him turned away from me sleeping). There really isn't anything romantic about it at all.

#13 Sep 20 - 11PM

rosedewittbukater

sex - well you're not gonna like this

...it was mindblowing. I know everyone says that was all "us" and not the disordered ones that made it that way, but Sandra Brown describes it much differently. They create the sexual addiction and let me tell you mine was the master. They create this intense all consuming sexual bond (though of course it's all one-sided). Even if they somehow find the right lines and moves to make in bed, once you're out of bed, it's "ladies and gentleman,please welcome the Asshole once again!" (the audience boos and hisses, a few rotten tomatoes are thrown) I do recognize now (thanks to another post from here) that it became all about sex and the sex became all because everything else was so abysmal! But sweet Jesus I really really miss it I won't give myself to someone in that way again for a really really long time

#14 Sep 21 - 6AM (Reply to #13)

How could I

Is this why...

Is this why when I'd tell him it was over, he would pull me towards him, give me an incredible kiss and say - remember what this feels like? Is this because he knew it would bring me back to fantasy land? He was an incredible kisser and lover. He also loved to cuddle after it was over. Do you think that was an act, or do they possibly love to cuddle? He would fall asleep in my arms - very tender and romantic. However, as he'd get dressed, there was no more romance. It was like whatever happened just did not happen. Is this part of being a N or is this just being a guy? I don't have experience enough to know this.

#15 Sep 21 - 8AM (Reply to #20)

Dema

Cuddling

They are NOT all cuddlers. My N avoided cuddling and when he woke up to me cuddling him within an hour or two he would be in a panic. It was the first reality after the cuddling that threw him into a rage. the lack of cuddling was the biggest disappointment to me. "Disappointment" does not describe the rages - I need a different word for that.

#16 Sep 21 - 8AM (Reply to #16)

Sunafterrain

How could I....

Yes, honey! you hit the nail on the head! "It was like whatever happened just did not happen." That is SO critical in understanding your experience. Ever have an argument with your ex and then he'd come back five, minute, two hours, three days later and act as if nothing ever happened? IT"S THE SAME THING WITH SEX OR ANYTHING ELSE THEY DO WITH US. They DO NOT store it up to be a loving memory because they live in an ETERNAL present. Just like the argument is an act to upset you, the sex is an act to manipulate you. They can do this because they have no CONSCIENCE. It's just a game meant to keep you under his control and power. Sex is about power to them, just as much as an argument. That's what makes them SO different than us.

#17 Sep 21 - 12PM (Reply to #19)

Pride and Shame

No emotional memories

I read this somewhere. That the part of the brain that is affected by all this stuff is also the processor of emotional memories. How fun it was when we ... How happy we were when ... That is supposedly lost to them.

#18 Sep 21 - 9AM (Reply to #17)

How could I

Yes Sunafterrain...

Yes Sunafterrain.... You got that one right.....After an argument, he would be ready to move on like nothing happened. I did find it interesting however, that after one time when I told him it was over and he tried to tell me it was not, he tried to kiss me goodbye. I would not kiss him back. Numerous times he has thrown that in my face. He was not upset by all the things that I said, but by the fact that I would not kiss him. What is your take on that one? Why would it not bother him that I told him that it's over as I can't trust him, but it bothered him that I wouldn't kiss him? I still have so much to learn about this disorder.

#19 Sep 21 - 12PM (Reply to #18)

Unfreakinreal

Every time he D&d'd me, he

Every time he D&d'd me, he would want to give me a "reassuring hug." Told me to hang in there because one day I would see what an asshole he was. And when I told him not to touch me he would get pissed off and make a big scene about leaving. Nut job.

#20 Sep 21 - 7AM (Reply to #14)

Unfreakinreal

How could I...

Yes, it is part of being an N. Mine would do the same. The cuddling, telling me how perfect it was falling asleep with me, telling me how we just "fit", how he wasn't able to perform at all with anyone else. I would say I wanted to go home and he would beg me to stay because he was so happy when he woke in the middle of the night and I was there. It's what kept me going back. When the moment is over with them, it's over.

#21 Sep 21 - 7AM (Reply to #15)

How could I

Thanks Unfreakinreal

Thanks Unfreakinreal - This is comforting to know - in one way - and terribly painful in another. And one of the saddest things is - from the first time we were together, I felt so loved during the moment. When he took me home and I got out of the car, it was like - ok, bye-bye! I felt so cheap, that I should have seen the signs then. Since I was so unexperienced, I thought he was just being a man. Sorry you have experienced this too!

#22 Sep 20 - 11PM

empath

oxytocin junkies

A lot of our attraction/addiction to the N is chemical. Read up on oxytocin an the hormonal bonding that takes place during orgasm. At least it takes place for women. Once you realize most of the attraction is something you are biologically programmed for as a response, with the danger/thrill/excitement of the trsums bonding thrown in, you can understand the recipe for disaster and heartache that results, and overcome it. If you had"great sex" with the N., realize that you are half of that equation and can have better sex with someone new. When you're ready too. I am allowing myself a few months of conscious celibacy, letting the fields lie allow, so to speak. I felt it very necessary to do this, to conserve my sexual energy for someone more deserving of it. If someone wants me,they'll wait for me to be done with this committment to myself. If they just want to do a hit and run, they'll move on and leave me be.

#23 Sep 20 - 11PM

FarmGirl

It's been 9 1/2 years of

It's been 9 1/2 years of almost ZERO sex with my N. I am going to break the first man I am with lol.

#24 Sep 20 - 10PM

Okay1150

Oh, just wait

Until you find a lover like I did. After 4 years of NO SEX! and put downs. (You are fat, you quit dying your hair, you are OLD!). I found a lover because I could not live another minute without touch. The first time I made love with him I KNEW the NARC lied...

#25 Sep 20 - 10PM

Sunafterrain

Dema

I understand. A lot of this IS normal. But the "bonding" with the disordered one is not. Not for them. They don't bond the way we do, which is why they can take on and move on and have sex with someone else at the speed of light. Or several someone else's. It is very painful to those of us who can bond and only wanted to be with that person. I know, I see my ex the same way, but I try to change my thinking about it. The rest of the relationship was awful and it wasn't worth the sex at all. Eventually, those images will fade, but it will take awhile.

#26 Sep 20 - 9PM

Unfreakinreal

It is a big deal

Just not to him. I am sorry to say it like that, but it is the truth. They don't have emotions like normal people. My XN and I had some incredible sex. It meant something to me, just not to him. I believed it did but the truth is I was only a masturbation tool, someone to help him achieve an orgasm. It is not the same for them. Xoxo

#27 Sep 20 - 11PM (Reply to #5)

empath

Human blow-up dolls

I had crazy good mindblowing sex with the N and he was SO intent on pleasing me that I thought he MUST truly love me... After finding out about NPD, reading the John Mayer Playboy interview...I realized that the N is indeed using us for their own self-gratification, having sex is just a form of masturbation for them...with us as their "mirror" to assess their "awesomeness". How sad for them to never know why it feels like to have an authentic emotional connection with another person. I had 5 years of crazy good amazing sex and never suspected he wasn't really "there" with me, it certainly felt like he was. They are masters of deception, and they use other people's bodies and emotions as their own personal scratching posts, without concern for the consequences.

#28 Sep 21 - 6AM (Reply to #7)

WhiteSwan44

Mirror Mirror

My XN told me he was going to put a mirror on his ceiling so he could watch himself masturbate. I wasn't offended. I just thought EWWWWWW!

#29 Sep 21 - 2AM (Reply to #6)

greengirl91

My N was a HUUGE fan of John

My N was a HUUGE fan of John Mayer! And yes, in their dizzy heads, they can`t view sex AND love, together. They view it separately. And sooner or later, the so called wife/gf, becomes frustrated, because when someone starts to "love" them (like it`s only normal to happen in relationships) they get bored, or shut down. She passes in the "saintly" type of love. And he goes and have "sex" as intercourse with another, possibly more detached. They see nothing WRONG with their actions!! They think that, if they "cheat" with someone, and have "no feelings" for that person, makes the cheating LESS abnormal. But what they don`t realise, is that they are the same with their wife/official gf or whatever. Of course, the partner becomes frustrted and eventually seeks for genuine emotional connection somewhere else.. A person with feelings, who wants a true autentic connection, can`t survive in this "relationship" kind. Those are Sam Vaknin words.

#30 Sep 20 - 9PM

foreverfun1

i have the same problem

ive forced myself to date others and have sex but it hasnt worked i still want only him. i cant even find myself attracted to others but im hoping this will change eventually

#31 Sep 21 - 12AM (Reply to #3)

lillymarch

I know you will find someone else!

You will. Look at all the men out there! There are tons! I'm going to try to go into it with a playful attitude and not get too serious. God, I've been dealing with Narc-psycho for so long that a little light romance/friendship would be wonderful. We had our county fair the other month and wow! So many gorgeous men! You are a beautiful woman! Just give it time.

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