Seventy days NC

NC works.

With NC, minor epiphanies present themselves almost daily. Where in the beginning my main concern was, "but what if he isn't really a N", at this point so many qualities of the Npd have matched up I have no choice but to accept it and believe. I have frequent "aha!" Moments where his behavior now makes sense, only in the context of him being NPD.

I recently went back and looked at a few emails I had sent him over the course of our relationship and what an eye opener. I was pathetic. He gave me crumbs and I was grateful.

I am finally beginning to feel my anger. When I was in the midst of it with him, I never saw how I allowed my values to crumble so easily. He found me at the worst time in my life; struggling with a child battling an addiction, my father diagnosed with cancer, and a weak marriage. I trusted him so much I actually allowed myself to believe what he told me, that we were not crossing boundaries. I will forever carry the shame of knowing my children saw this. I can now clearly see how he swept in, contributed to the earlier and less graceful demise of my marriage, and wrecked havoc on my kids, who I allowed him to see. What kind of person can do this?!

I survived a text at 30 days and a voicemail message two weeks ago. But even only 2 weeks ago, listening to it was like taking a drug. I felt the high... He had called, he was thinking of me! But I held strong. (Btw his message said he hoped I was doing well... Sounded kind of sad and sincere but i know now with NC, no matter how sincere he sounded, what he meant was, "are you still weak enough for me to get supply from you?")

My 70 days are the most important thing to me right now. After the emotional and psychological abuse, it's my final act of our relationship, finally erecting a boundary. Finally saying "No! I'm worth so much more!" In any weak moment I will remember this and not break NC.

Nothing would be worth losing this symbol of strength, trust and respect in myself, and love for myself.

Lisa