Second Guessing & Obsessive Thoughts

Happy Sunday everyone

I have been plagued by obsessive thoughts of them together often graphic thoughts that turn my stomach in knots and break my heart. I think of him and how he MUST of flirted with her, I had wile day dreams and fantasies that I get carried off in my mind and just stare blankly thinking of what MUST of happened between them.

I think of when I walked in and my wrath and I watch her now as she rapidly composed herself and stood by the door putting on her shoes wide eyed and with her arms wrapped around her, afraid.

Then, I do this thing were I second guess ALL my decisions. Where I love him enough to give him another try, to give him more of me. Then I get angry at him all over again for ruining us when I was perfectly happy before that day. I don't care if I did kiss him, that was not a indicator I would go back. Every time I try to go back , kissing is a way of feeling it out , it is a way to feel loved and share intimacy and then I suddenly realize that I can't risk it.

This is been a see saw, up and down and a back and forth on my part. Moving out and leaving setting up in a new place but no quite closing the door on him. God it has been so hard to really close that door. It is so hard to give him up, and so so for me to give up the relationship. It was not my choice, I would of never wanted it to end this way. I still resist the end.

I can't keep doing this to my self. I am the source of all my own angst and need to seek good counseling to help me through this. I will look into that on monday.

any one else feel they have done the same thing? second guessed their judgements or choices and also prolonged saying goodbye
?

ifinallygotit's picture

I know he is very bad for me and not a well person but I have not slammed the door - I really loved him but the longer the separation, the more I learn and the more superficial and foolish he appears. I think he only stayed with me a long time because his fame was on hold for awhile. he will never want a normal life - addicted to fame and bar life with really gross girls...very hard when I know another side of him...home body and affectionate
Redhead1's picture

I think most of your feelings are normal. I felt the same way for months. I know deep in my heart that cheating is a dealbreaker, but I wanted to go back(wouldnt because of pride). I felt sick in the head wanting to go back to someone who had violated me in such a way. I too, made every excuse in the world for him. Please just stay NC and ride this out. Your rose colored glasses will slip off when you least expect it. I had a hard time giving up the idea of him. Your are not seeing him clearly at this point. If you two had a good relationship and he cheated for a fantasy, imagine when you have babies and a mortgage and a few stresses that life can offer. His reason for cheating isnt even a good line, it was very selfish. Over a sexual act? I know you want to forgive him, but his excuse is very lame. I was my narcs mother and his side jobs were his whores. In the end, we were both the OW. Don't share your man, you don't have to! It has been quoted before, When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. We (all of us) are only as strong as our weakest character flaw. He has showed you his. Everything your feeling is normal. I obsessed for months (like 10 lol). It will pass if you give it TIME. When I finally made it about me, I begin to unattach. I can't live with a man who cheats! FIdelity is important to me. If someone cheats on me, it will hurt but they will be gone. I deserve a man who doesnt cheat, because I don't cheat. Be good to yourself. If you wouldnt do something like that yourself, don't accept it from him. He has already made his choices and they can never be taken back. Make choices that are going to make Bada happy in the long term. HUGS you will make it and stay strong. What your feeling is normal and will pass if you do your part and stay NC.
girlsinger's picture

Hi I believe him I really do he would go to therapy and do anything and everything he could. just remember his "impulse control" is that of a 6 year old like a 6 year old that promises he will walk the puppy he swears..and he means it and he does it for 6 days.straight!!.. on the seventh day he lost all interest... he's looking for the next shiney thing the next challange so he can "control" that all the best my precious One I dont beleive in playing those kinds of odds the deck is stacked for the "house" to win every single time be blessed k
Journey's picture

Yes, to answer your question, I second guessed my better judgement and prolonged saying goodbye throughout my relationship with my ex. Every time I felt like I was done and could remove myself FOR myself, he hoovered me back in. By the time he moved in with me he swore he was ready to make a commitment, would stop pulling away and that he WANTED to make it work. This was right after I DID make a decision that I'd had enough and would move on. I trusted he was being honest and made choices then that almost completely destroyed me. He ended it only about 7 or 8 months later and in that time I went from being a self contained woman with a good job and savings I had worked hard to attain, into a basket case who had become completely dependent on him emotionally and financially. I was close to taking my own life because I felt so much self blame and thought HE was the healthy one who I was not healthy enough for him to be able to love and drove away by whatever was wrong with me. Unlike you, I had nothing concrete to base making my decisions on. He was covertly abusive and wore me down to the point where I was unable to think clearly at all. It may seem that you are the source of your own angst, but in reality that is not true. HE betrayed YOU! Not the other way around. You are suffering in your thoughts because HE created the situation that has created these thoughts! Counseling will be good for you because it helps to clarify things, but blaming yourself for the pain you feel now is misguided. What you are feeling and thinking is directly caused by what HE did and is completely normal for anyone who has had such a betrayal. A lot of people do not get over it and nor should anyone have to. It is our right to say THAT was a deal breaker - and to do so without guilt or regret. Only you know if you'll ever be able to trust him again and if you believe he is not disordered because if he is disordered, he WILL hurt you again, he will abuse you and you will continue to suffer down the road with him... even if for awhile it feels like all is good and you can get 'over it'. It is an exception, not the rule, that after infidelity any relationship gets back to a happy place and it requires two mature and emotionally 'normal' and healthy people to make it work. If he is disordered there is no chance for that. I think you need to really assess what you had before and if it really was a healthy and happy relationship. I thought for a long time after mine ended that what I had was essentially happy and normal - but his covert abuse had fogged my judgement severely. From what I remember you saying, your ex is the first man you've been this intimate with. THAT makes it extremely hard for you, without comparisons to go by. I think it is important now that you reflect on what it was really like before this all went down. I would suggest in counseling you address that part of it almost more so than what is happening now because THAT is what will determine whether or not he is worth putting yourself back into a situation where you run the risk of dealing with an even worse pain than what you are feeling now. Trust me when I say it CAN get worse. You could end up losing everything if you go back - your financial security, your freedom from him (if you have his children) AND what is left of your emotional health, which at this point is still somewhat intact and CAN survive this to become stronger going forward. ((((((hugs))))))

Journey on...

BadaBing's picture

thanks for your words today I really appreciated reading your feedback I want so badly to be the exception to the rule Journey I hear you when you said to reevaluate the relationship again with different eyes that maybe I am not seeing this clearly. I do have rose colored glasses and I am optimistic and positive most of the time the glass is half full for me. You are right that he is the first person I was sexually intimate with in a whole new way he opened up my sexual life , where my first serious boyfriend just used me and i was never sexually satisfied or had needs, the EX was attentive and very much sexually satisfying. Yes he liked a few games but it was not required or reqular and being tied up allowed me to grow amazing trust with him. I think that is one reason this was so painful for me, because I learned to trust him in so many ways. I hear you and others that warn of what is to come if I go back and give him the chance again to hurt me or love me
BadaBing's picture

I grieve so hard for the lost trust
Lost's picture

it's the lost trust, lost hope, lost dream, lost sanity, lost self respect and self esteem, lost everything ... and the grief is like nothing ever felt before, like someone has died
strivingforhealing's picture

lost trust. lost open heart. lost authentic you... don't let this one sick man change your innate Goodness.
agnesmurphy17's picture

Look. None of us know this guy. Only you can assess whether he's a decent guy who had an affair & made a mistake. There are tons of self-help books out there for marriages that overcame such a debacle. What troubles me here is that he did not take his affair to a hotel. Did he take her to HIS exclusive apartment to which you had a key & walked in? Usually men who are having a brief sexual encounter prefer hotels or some place away from their personal life. They do not want this woman tracking them to their home & private life after the slam, bam, thank you mam'. Unless he does this so much that hotels are too expensive. Or did he bring her to the home which you two share? If it is the shared home, this troubles me. Also, what she wrote that he did to her afterwards troubles me. Blaming her exclusively. Cursing her. His rage at her. And getting her demoted, transferred -- whatever happened at the job. I think a decent man would have dropped her off. Go away. A decent man would want her out of his work sight as well & would get rid of her. Hopefully not in a way to hurt her. Seems this man did hurt her. What has he done since that day which makes you think that he is a decent man who made a mistake & should be forgiven. And what was the reason for this mistake -- even though he was so in love with with you? Because when a man loves a woman -- he does not risk it all for an itch. Unless he's in another country, or someplace she will never know what occurred. Why did this mistake in judgment occur? How many times has it happened previously? ANd how do you know it will never happen again? Trust is very difficult to rebuild after a sexual betrayal. What is he willing to suffer to gain YOUR trust again? Because it is for him to regain your trust. Not for you to go to therapy to accommodate his transgression. If you want to accommodate because you need him so much, then just go back. How can a therapist help you if this is what you want? If you want him more than anything, then you know that.
BadaBing's picture

whatever happened with the job, I don't really know that I can trust what she says! They BOTH could of been fired for breaking company policy, they both were also on company time doing sexual acts after a meeting and in my home. It sounded to me like he didn't want to work with her anymore, and she didn't mind to continue working with him. He did something to arrange her transfer, but as far as any other parts of her story I don't know what is the TRUTH I don't have any of the answers to your questions. He did his best to explain to me how this occured and that he gave him. He said they made an agreement for a sexual favor. I can't even write it I hate it. I don't need him so much I think I proved that when I packed up and moved out of the home we SHARED. yes it was a shared home for 2 1/2 years. As far as what a decent man will do or not do - 74% of men cheat and 62% percent of women cheat , it seems to be in issue for many. I am still trying to figure out how much love is really worth...I didn't want any of this to happen and hate we ended this way.
agnesmurphy17's picture

These questions should be answered by him. And he is the one who should be doing the work. And how much is love worth it to him? He is the one who has to win your trust. He is the one who has to do the work to bring you back. Earlier you were worried that she might tell him of your contact. Actually, a man who has made a mistake would have to accept that contact. Would have to accept the consequences of his actions and what was necessary for him to regain your trust. A man who wants to make up this mistake to a woman would expect her to be uneasy & not trusting of his activities for quite awhile. Such a man would have to give a strict accounting for himself for quite awhile. This kind of accountability in the face of suspicions would not sit well with an N. If your man wants to put this in the past as if it never happened . . . well I would be very cautious. This would require YOU to put it in the past & pretend that nothing ever happened. It's not for YOU to do anything. It's for him to regain your trust so that you stop obsessing over this. Also, all the books that I have read about men who cheated on their wives, or vice versa, admit that they were essentially selfish. And NO woman forces a man to get an erection. Men have to be into it to do it. If 74% of men cheat & 62% of women -- wow! Having an affair seems to be the norm & really no big deal as men (or cheating men) seem to say. I wonder where these statistics come from? Don't answer that. It doesn't matter. But this means that the vast majority of your family member & personal friends & acquaintances have cheated on their spouses & lovers. In hotels, cars, offices & desktops, one person's place, or even in the maritial home. And I suppose some people who find a cheater stay but go out & have their own affair & that makes it an even-steven & life goes on. But you moved? WHy? And now you seem to regret? Interestingly, you contacted her. Yet you tend to distrust her story. Did he ever tell you why he had to do it in your mutual home? Why he made that selection of venue? That's a very interesting question. Narcissists seem to think that everything is their's. Like childen in a sand box -- MINE! My N was that way BIG TIME. My function in our home was to write checks for my share of the communal expenses to execute his renovation & decorating schemes. Me & my feelings were of no consequence.
BadaBing's picture

seeking my own therapist my gut didn't trust her, that is what I said and I wasn't worried about her contacting him I just said I suspected she would people commit infedlity it is something a lot of people deal with in various results I am not sure I am dealing with someone capable of being faithful I think he already showed me that ( and prior girlfriends too). I knew about it before, and it happened to me. he has said over and over he would do whatever it takes to make it work not sure if that is true or not certainly it can't -if he doesn't keep it zipped in his pants his explanation for the house/sofa was that he didn't expect me to be home I was sent home early that day from work he didn't expect me to arrive home, that is why I remember the time of day so clearly unlike her who said it was evening I have not spoken with him, not very rationally that is to ask any of the valid questions you point out but I would love to, I would love to invite him over for a chat and keep it simple
gettinbetter's picture

Yes Bada. A good counselor will help you sort all of this out. This forum is a wonderful place but you shouldnt rely solely on this forum for healing. I dont think you are quite sure he is disordered. A counselor will help you sort whether he is or isnt or whether it even matters. Most of us on this forum know without a doubt that we have been with very disordered people. They amazingly share the same bizarre behaviors aside from just the cheating. Cheaters are bad news but it doesnt mean they are disordered. Anyway some good counseling will really help you and alot of times your insurance will pay for it.