Happy Sunday everyone
I have been plagued by obsessive thoughts of them together often graphic thoughts that turn my stomach in knots and break my heart. I think of him and how he MUST of flirted with her, I had wile day dreams and fantasies that I get carried off in my mind and just stare blankly thinking of what MUST of happened between them.
I think of when I walked in and my wrath and I watch her now as she rapidly composed herself and stood by the door putting on her shoes wide eyed and with her arms wrapped around her, afraid.
Then, I do this thing were I second guess ALL my decisions. Where I love him enough to give him another try, to give him more of me. Then I get angry at him all over again for ruining us when I was perfectly happy before that day. I don't care if I did kiss him, that was not a indicator I would go back. Every time I try to go back , kissing is a way of feeling it out , it is a way to feel loved and share intimacy and then I suddenly realize that I can't risk it.
This is been a see saw, up and down and a back and forth on my part. Moving out and leaving setting up in a new place but no quite closing the door on him. God it has been so hard to really close that door. It is so hard to give him up, and so so for me to give up the relationship. It was not my choice, I would of never wanted it to end this way. I still resist the end.
I can't keep doing this to my self. I am the source of all my own angst and need to seek good counseling to help me through this. I will look into that on monday.
any one else feel they have done the same thing? second guessed their judgements or choices and also prolonged saying goodbye