Screwing with the N

Okay, ladies. I had a huge backslide today. Broke 11 days NC.

I knew it was coming too b/c I've been a crying mess for the past couple days. Then I saw my therapist yesterday and it got back in touch with my anger. I've been grappling alot with CD and questioning, is he a narc or isn't he? It is much easier to accept the situation thinking he is, and I have plenty of evidence to support that theory. BUT I get caught up in thinking about when it was "good" and that throws me for a loop -- I still have trouble understanding how a person can act so loving and then do a 180. I guess you can't fully understand a psychopath unless you are one.

Anyway, I checked his FB profile a couple days back and found new photos of him and the W looking cozy and happy. And I'm thinking, maybe he is. Maybe I was just a big mistake to him and now he's "seen the light" and wants to be a good husband to her. This idea has been eating at me, that what if he's not a N, what if it's just something wrong with me and that's the reason he wouldn't leave her in the end and treated me so badly. Yeah, I know, I know...

But all this sort of came together last night, my newfound knowledge of NPD, trying to sort out the situation for myself, the anger, wanting to know if he's now on the up and up. And I actually premeditated breaking NC. I hatched a plan of how to approach him and went through with it today. Basically, I am setting him up, for what final result...I don't know yet. The crazy train has left the station and hopefully you all can reel me back in.

Please understand it's not him I want back, but I want vindication. And learning how an N thinks made this sooo easy. I played up to his ego and got him to admit so much through email there's no way he could deny if I sent it to his W. And no, he is certainly not on the up and up with her. The a$$wipe is foaming at the mouth to hook up with me and do some of the fantasy stuff he'd asked for. Seriously, how can such an intelligent guy be so dense? The emails I had with him today fully convinced me he is an opportunistic N; I only had to make a few suggestions and he ran with it.

So now I have the chance to set him up big time and my brain is full of evil, albeit legal, ways to do this. I just want to expose him. I want his life to be changed irrevocably, as mine has been. I know he can't fully hurt, not in the way normal people can, but I want to shake up his world.

I most likely won't go through with it because, unlike the N, I'm burdened with a conscience, but I'm reveling in this feeling of power, after feeling powerless for so long. Knowing him for what he is makes dealing with him almost comical -- to find out that the manipulative one has his own strings that can be pulled, and all it takes is an awakening to the N's true nature to see the strings. And yes, I know I gave him NS today, but I'm okay with that b/c I got what I needed, too: clarity.

Honestly, I'm not feeling too bad about breaking NC. I'm not feeling anything towards this guy other than disdain and amusement. I got the confirmation I needed that he has not suddenly morphed into Mr. Wonderful, and now I think I can finally go on my way. Most likely I'll just restart NC tomorrow, but with a different perspective. He's no prize. He's just another self-centered Narc.