Sadistic Narcs

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#1 Sep 24 - 11PM

loveofmylife

Sadistic Narcs

I came to the conclusion the other day and in therapy that what feels so wrong about what my narc did - he was sadistic.

Can any of you relate?

It feels like I am a lion in a cage ("my boundaries")....and the narc is outside of the cage taunting and teasing me (flirting, pursuing me, sweeping me off my feet, wining and dining me, flattering me, all of the 1,000s of things he did to me).

So after all of this taunting and teasing, I stick my paw out of the cage to grab him....and the Narc says, "bad, bad lion for violating my boundaries" whack, whack...get back in your cage!

It is so sadistic. Teasing me forever and then whenever I take steps towards him he would slap me down, and start teasing again and connecting with me emotionally again. And then deny that he ever did anything to lead me on.

He did the same with others:
- the "close friend" he would talk about oral sex to and take her to bars and dinner, and when she made a sexual advance on him, he was cold and cruel to her.
- the fake GF he has sex with and is with for 1 1/2 years, and then the minute she talks marriage, he wants to end the relationship
- the other married emotional lover that is yearning for him so badly...he knows he can play with her and flirt with her and tons of fun with her by email and get her all in a frenzy, but she won't ever leave her husband...but is an emotional wreck just like I was.

Did it feel like yours was sadistic?

#2 Sep 25 - 9AM

jaycee

sadistic narc

Hey are you sure youre not talking about my hN. sounds the same, with his fake whore hes living with, the more she wants a real committment, the more he wants to leave. his close friend, whos been in love with him for years, he tortures her and is so cruel tells her shes just one of the guys. his married lover, whos never going to leave her husband but totally obsessed with my hN and an emotional wreck over him, needs to see him whenever he is willing too, and of course the other one he dumps on once a month or so.......yes they are all sadistic, oh and lets not forget how he stands outside my cage pretending to love me and miss me and want me, just to keep me crying everyday. yes, sadistic and cruel.........

Jaycee

#3 Sep 25 - 8AM

helldweller

Sadistic

Yes, mine was totally sadistic. He loved making me cry. After he got me to start bawling he would just stare at me and his eyes would twinkle and this smile would creep over his face.

#4 Sep 27 - 9AM (Reply to #25)

Susan32

"I like watching you cry"

The ex-Psych professor enjoyed reducing me to tears. He relished it. Once, he said (this was after my grandfather died),"I like watching you cry." He was EMOTIONALLY sadistic. I'd be in tears, devastated, and he'd stand by, smiling smugly. I don't know if it's strange... but when he told me to STOP SMILING after I met the OW, and I was the one acting all happy&superior, I refused to obey him, and I ENJOYED it. The fact he couldn't control me visibly pained him, and I was enjoying every minute. Quite the role reversal. If he came back to me, he would be the one getting the "abuse"... NOT ME. NEVER. I don't usually laugh at the pain of others, but at his, I definitely would. I'd pull up a chair and watch.

#5 Sep 25 - 11AM (Reply to #24)

loveofmylife

helldwelller

mine would smile when I would cry too - I just realized it.

#6 Sep 25 - 8AM

helldweller

Sadistic

Yes, mine was totally sadistic. He loved making me cry. After he got me to start bawling he would just stare at me and his eyes would twinkle and this smile would creep over his face.

#7 Sep 25 - 8AM

Meadowbrook

Sadistic Teaser

"The other married emotional lover that is yearning for him so badly...he knows he can play with her and flirt with her and tons of fun with her by email and get her all in a frenzy, but she won't ever leave her husband...but is an emotional wreck just like I was." Yep, that was me! "emotional wreck" The teasing thing was what led me to finally figuring out what had just happened to me and my life. He and I worked together so naturally we had to be careful not to give anything away in the office. So I could rationalize the teasing and distancing to a certain degree. But the moment when I just knew something was wrong was when he took me to his car in the parking garage and touched me sexually below the window so no one could see. I remember his face - cold and rather disdainful. Then he just said he had to go. I remember walking to my car feeling extremely pissed but not being able to put my finger on exactly why it made me feel so bad. By the time I pulled into my driveway I was thinking I was done with this weirdo. But then he texted me something sweet and on went the game. It was all so confusing and sadistic and that is just one of many examples. When I read the following link months later it finally dawned on me why he did that stuff. It was written by Sam Vaknin. http://tinyurl.com/2dfyr43 Here's an excerpt from the article that hit home with me: "Moreover, many narcissists tend to frustrate women. They refrain from having sex with them, tease them and then leave them, resist flirtatious and seductive behaviours and so on. Often, they invoke the existence of a girlfriend/fiancée/spouse as the "reason" why they cannot have sex or develop a relationship. But this is not out of loyalty and fidelity in the empathic and loving sense. This is because they wish (and often succeed) to sadistically frustrate the interested party." There were other sadistic things later. Like, once he got me good and hooked and believing we were kindred spirits in these terrible marriages, he started being sadistic. The one night I spent with him he was overly rough, called me slut, forced a sex act on me, pinched me and put his hands around my throat. I was devastated. But what was I going to do? I had willingly gone to his room that night. I couldn't tell anyone because I was now an adulteress. He knew this of course and knew he could treat me like that with no consequences. I had to continue to work with him and play his game so that I could finally quit and get away, which I did. But my life has been turned upside down. I have the means to expose him. I spent a lot of time gathering evidence of his cyberpath behaviors and affairs. I toy with the idea of doing it.

#8 Sep 25 - 8AM (Reply to #21)

girlfriday

Meadowbrook

The quote from S.V. hit me like a ton of bricks several months ago too. It all started making sense. I, too, was teased into a frenzy. Then he'd say sweet things so I thought he really did care. He enjoyed the power of frustrating me as many woman had done to him in his earlier years. Like he was taking his history of rejection and blue-balls out on me. I, too, have the means to expose him. Sadly, he charmed and manipulated out of it. And as Sick-of-it says, it's probably best not to go there.

#9 Sep 25 - 8AM (Reply to #13)

gettinbetter

meadowbrook

Dont expose him. He will come after you with a vengance. A vegance like no other. A vengance only a Narc is capable of. Just remember these people are seething with rage. They are capable of so many evil things. Honestly they are one step away from being serial killers. I promise you if you expose him, He is coming after you

#10 Sep 25 - 8AM (Reply to #14)

Meadowbrook

sick of it

I know you are right. Intellectually I know. But I want to expose him so badly that it occupies my thoughts. He is in a new job overseas but has been emailing (I've ignored him) and last week he texted and called me. I used the call as my opportunity to tell him not to bother because I know all about XYZ... So I think he is done now and knows he can't play with me any longer. But I thought he knew that once I confessed to my husband but he was still coming after me. I worry that because I haven't really stood up to him that he feels even more free to try and hurt me. Like maybe he has no respect for my husband because he didn't retaliate or something. It's very complicated. My husband has an interest in telling the guy's wife. I can't encourage that but it is tempting. Not to mention the guy is having unprotected sex with multiple partners and therefore endangering his wife. I know it is not my responsibility but it does weigh on me. And I DO agree about the serial killer thing. THat scares me but it also makes me feel horrible for the next victims and I feel like I could stop him somehow. I know it's not rational. This is just what I'm feeling now.

#11 Sep 25 - 8AM (Reply to #15)

gettinbetter

Meadowbrook

Im not familiar with your story. You are married? Im curious as I too am married. The Narc was a previous boyfriend the one before my husband. I have been married happily for almost 14 years and the Narc came back to destroy me and my marriage by undermining it.

#12 Sep 25 - 8AM (Reply to #16)

Meadowbrook

sick of it

Yes, I'm married. I ended up telling my husband. It's a long story how that came to be. I didn't PLAN to tell him but I sort of had to tell him. I haven't posted my full story for a few reasons but I've given some details in various posts. I pointed the OW to this website when I was trying to reach her. Now that I believe she is still in his clutches I'm afraid of him seeing this. I'm familiar with your story. Don't remember if I read it in "share your story" or not. But I've seen you describe what is going on in other posts - especially yesterday. I feel so horrible for you. I relate very much. They don't want anyone else to play with their toys do they? It's really evil what he is doing to you and your family.

#13 Sep 25 - 9AM (Reply to #17)

gettinbetter

thank you Meadowbrook

I would never want my husband to know. He is a good man and deserves none of this. One of the first comments the Narc made when he came back "I know its wrong for me to say this but I see your pictures and think thats my family" "I loved you first" I feel like this man is destroying my life and he is not even present. Telling he will "always" love me. Him wipin my tears then ignoring me completely. Wont speak to me on the phone only text. Its horrible

#14 Sep 25 - 9AM (Reply to #18)

Meadowbrook

sick of it

Maybe I can tell you privately how telling my husband played out. I'm not necessarily recommending it. But, in my case, and almost unbelievably, he has been my best friend and supporter during the aftermath. WIthout his help I might have ended my life. Seriously. I'm absolutely not saying you should tell. I'm just saying the evil these guys perpetrate is so damaging that sometimes drastic measures have to be taken to escape. He wants to not only conquer you but he wants to conquer your husband. Very sick indeed.

#15 Sep 25 - 9AM (Reply to #19)

gettinbetter

meadowbrook

I will email Betty and tell its ok to give my email. I think Betty made a post that both parties have to email her. I am interested to hear how this played out with your husband

#16 Sep 25 - 9AM (Reply to #20)

Meadowbrook

will do

I'll email Betty.

#17 Sep 25 - 6AM

fedup

I'm Starting To Think

that all these N's that eventually show a sadistic streak are closet misogynists---somewhere, deep-down they despise women, and everything they represent. *shudder*

#18 Sep 27 - 10AM (Reply to #11)

Susan32

Hating humans

The ex-Psych professor had MALE victims as well. He had a brief relationship with an openly gay professor (it probably was physical), it ended terribly, and the gay professor despised him profoundly. One of his young male groupies changed his name, moved to another state, and gave up philosophy. The ex-P hated HUMANS, not just women.

#19 Sep 25 - 7AM (Reply to #4)

Used

fedup

they do despises them ...but they are also afraid of them...i said to narc you hate women cos you fear them, and we all hate what we fear.. thats why they like empathetic, kind womam.... they think they are soft and weak... WRONG WRONG. as the women on this women on this board can testify too.

#20 Sep 25 - 11AM (Reply to #5)

better off

Yes, they hate us all, and

Yes, they hate us all, and they hate their mothers. They are punishing all of us because they hate her.

#21 Sep 27 - 2PM (Reply to #8)

onwithmylife

right on Betteroff

You hit the bullseye, thats why i have tried to tell women on this board to read the book called Freeing yourself from the narcissist in your life, it all starts with the MOTHER, and for my Exn his mother spoiled him rotten yet at the same time made him an extension of herself, she was supposedly narcissistic, and never let him develope a true sense of self or independence, to the person he was capable of being, So one one hand he fears abandonment by leaving his mother and on the other hand he is raging at her for not letting him develope fully. she kept him way too close to the vest. You are in a chaotic frame of mind as a little boy growing up, it must be crazy making for sure to the inner workings of the personality.......let me know what you think of what I wrote.

#22 Sep 27 - 2PM (Reply to #9)

better off

Hey, I have that book. It's

Hey, I have that book. It's EXCELLENT. And it helped me a ton, because when I first found this board there were a lot of women dealing with loser narcs (well, they are all losers, but these guys were on the lower rungs, no job, blah blah), and mine was very "successful" in terms of society. A "high level" narc as the author described. And yeah, the narc mom. He was the Golden Child, and the highly accomplished athlete; he's highly accomplished at everything, which of course is very appealing. And then he APPEARS to be so self-effacing at the same time. OMG, yum yum, right? But Mummy hated Daddy, and made her little Golden Boy the centerpiece of her life, and even rejected some of the other children. And leaned on him emotionally (emotional incest)... etc etc etc. He acted like they had a good relationship, but then I saw the huge cracks in that story when she came to visit him. Then when he moved back to his country, he MOVED NEXT DOOR TO HER. Fuckin A. And thru FB I kind of saw the strange dynamics between him and his siblings, and the resentment, and they would defriend each other and stuff, lol. Like.. are we in high school?? He always told me they were all over-sensitive had chips on their shoulders... because he's so awesome ya know.. and then I'd see him say the meanest things, all "joking" of course. I was like, uh, maybe they aren't OVER sensitive, maybe you're INsensitive. But it was over between us by then. Anyway, I think he resented his mother with a passion, but he also was very bonded to her and who knows what all. He told me, I think honestly, that a therapist asked him if he'd ever been asked what he wanted to do growing up, did he have his parents try to help him do what he wanted to do, and he said that was so far from his experience he almost couldn't fathom it. I felt very bad for him for that, because my parents were the opposite, how could we help you achieve YOUR dreams? But he existed to fulfill HER. And I do feel pity for him in that regard. But... scrambled eggs and onions, ya know? Can't unscramble it. And to top it all off, he was this great national champion athlete.. and she basked in all that... but they never went to his games. How FUCKED UP IS THAT? Never watched him play. Who wouldn't be weird? ALSO, it seemed to me like he acted like his wife was this helpless messed up person he had to stay with to take care of, but over time it seemed a lot more like she made all the decisions and he just went along with it. I think one reason he felt "lost" at 40 was that he can't go live his life without a woman telling him what to do, and him doing it, and then hating her for it! That's the root of passive agressiveness too, isn't it? They need someone to resist?

#23 Sep 27 - 2PM (Reply to #10)

Susan32

Mommy issues

When the ex-P hoovered me (after I met his butch fiancee), one of my friends commented that he had Mommy issues/abandonment issues. Understandable with an infant who's still breastfeeding, but immature and pathetic in a middle-aged man who's going to hit 40. I was 15 years his junior... yet I was his mother figure. A year after the D&D, I found out the ex-P had married his fiancee, had twins with her, and that his parents had moved in with him to raise his kids. I joked to this same friend "His mother is living with him now. Guess that solves his Mommy problems." However, the ex-P seemed far more attached to his father. He worshipped his father, yet he claimed he was BETTER than his father because he was a philosopher thinking deep thoughts, not a scientist. Very odd.

#24 Sep 25 - 12PM (Reply to #7)

Alive

Is this true

better off? mmmmm ok i need to look into this one. My EXN is controlled i think by his mother (and father) but im not sure if he 'hates' her, intresting.

#25 Sep 25 - 12PM (Reply to #6)

loveofmylife

Hating women

I think this is true, but they hide it very well by having SOOO many relationships with women. Spring, 1 1/2 years ago, I remember we were sitting together and he just received an email and made some disgusting remark. I think it was an email from his fake gf. I said "what's wrong?" he said "its women, they are so difficult!" (and I said this before I knew he was an N and I still had hope for us being together) "maybe its just the few women you've been with so far?" And he said very angrily "no - its ALL women!" That hit me as another little red flag that I conveniently ignored, because of course, he hadn't been in a romantic relationship with me yet! haha.. betteroff - I miss you!!!!

#26 Sep 25 - 2AM

girlfriday

I totally relate. Mine got

I totally relate. Mine got into my head, found out what made me tick, and for 3 1/2 months did everything he could to put me into a frenzy. Emotionally, psychologically, sexually. But when it finally came down to it, withheld withheld withheld. I was SO confused. It made no sense. He LOVED turning me on and walking away. Or physically ignoring me the entire weekend but the second I'd have to leave start coming on to me. But I HAD to leave. It was very sadistic. And torturous for me. My previous narc used to like to bite and pinch me really hard despite my begging and crying. What did I learn from all of this? To be clear on my deal-breakers. If things don't add up, something is wrong. Don't tolerate that which doesn't make sense or feels bad. So twisted.

#27 Sep 25 - 1AM

michele115 (not verified)

The Word Sadistic

AND NARC in my humble opinion go hand in hand. The treatment you describe...intermittent reinforcement is very sadistic as well as the other mind games...yes...sadistic narc... I have some other descriptive words, but I don't think they'd be appropriate in this forum...LOL

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