Sad Day Struggling

I'm on my 22nd day of NC and wondering if it was me after all? I was always the one to contact him after a break up (this is the 4th time) cos I was looking for answers , didn't understand how he cud say he loved me then just drop me like a stone. The silent treatment was the worst and the last time I thought I cud handle it...just get on with my life and not show how it bothered me. But may be I shud have been more understanding and caring, may be I live too much on my emotions and may be I was being moody and angry. May be it is me? I've not been in this position before, me not contacting him and wonder if he has gone for good this time (it didn't end well!)? Part of me misses him so much but I know even if I contacted him, he wudn't answer, or wud tell me to f... off and leave him alone and tell me what he's going through right now, he doesn't need this, accusing me of mind games(he did this every time before and yet still came back, after 4 months last time). I know there's no point in contacting him, but wonder if he will contact me in time? Is he out of my life now? Part of me wants him to contact me, to somehow suggest may be he does care? Feeling sad today :(