Sad :(

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#1 Feb 20 - 7PM
cassandraa
cassandraa's picture

Sad :(

I feel really sad :(

I had a really tough weekend regarding a heart stabbing argument with my father who is an N. I contacted my exN.. and before I did it I almost KNEW that I was going to be upset after. I knew that contacting him was going to feel like getting a fix of some drug that I needed to stop thinking about my N father and think about this one. I don't know why I think this N is easier to cope with than my N father because they both kill me.

He responded immediately saying "who is this?" I said "nvm, good to know u deleted my number" he said "?" I told him who it was and he said "Oh. Please don't text me again." I said "Ok." I said "Sorry, didn't want you to think this was about you. Just needed a distraction."

He didn't reply. I know why I did it. This always seems to happen when I'm triggered by my father. It's like clockwork. But how to I break this vicious cycle that kills me?

I feel like a psycho :( I feel like I'm the stalker now. I feel like I out-crazied my ex N and my N father. Ugh :( :(

Feb 20 - 9PM
Armed
Armed's picture

They want you to contact them

They want you to contact them just so they can be mean and devalue you all over again.
Feb 20 - 9PM (Reply to #15)
cassandraa
cassandraa's picture

I think thats why he said

I think thats why he said "who is this" so i'd have to say my name and he could feel good about being like don't contact me. UGH.
Feb 20 - 7PM
janemarie
janemarie's picture

Im so sorry that you are

Im so sorry that you are surrounded by Narcs....ugh!!!! These men are both toxic to you.....and so...you need to keep the toxins away in order for you to deal with yourself!!!! If that means for you to distance yourself from your father then that is what you have to do.... My family is nothing but men...Im the only woman...and there were times I would come crying onto the forum about how they are putting me down and making me feel worse....triggering me...I was told to distance myself...it doesnt mean that you have to disrespect anyone..just try not to engage with them...If it means removing yourself from a family gathering early then so be it... This is YOUR life,...and you need major healing from your experiences and work on yourself....You need to do everything you can to make this possible.... I only speak to my father a few times a week on the phone and that conversation is literally all about him...I just yes him to death and go thru the motions...I saw him this Sat, for the first time since Christmas.....This is just the way it is now.... I feel much better and our relationship (if thats what you call it) is better.... As far as the exb Narc....stay AWAY!!!!!!! Make this the LAST time you contact him....as you found...CONTACT=PAIN!!!!! Did you learn that????? Dont do it to yourself!!! Have you spoken with Goldie??? She is an excellent source of knowledge to help kick you off in the right direction!!! Good luck to you! xoxo
Feb 20 - 8PM (Reply to #2)
cassandraa
cassandraa's picture

janemarie

Thank you for responding. Your post made me feel a lot better. I think because I am around my father so much and he makes me feel so badly, I just want to contact someone to prove my father right. Sometime's its easier to accept abuse than to realize that I was never truly loved by either of them. That both of them had no problem using me, manipulating me, and then making it be our little secret. They both lucked out because in the end.. I looked like the freaking crazy one. I mean.. not that they didn't think that all along anyways.. I just don't think i'll ever truly heal until they are both gone. And contact with father/N = pain, anxiety, and coming close to vomiting. No thank you on both counts. UGH I wish I could take it back now :(
Feb 20 - 8PM (Reply to #13)
fallingfoward
fallingfoward's picture

I understand

jamemarie, I so understand about the narc father. My father was a narc, abuse his family in everyway possible. I had to pull myself out of the relationship for years, the verbal abuse just got worse the older he got. I kept trying to win his love, till I realized I didn't need his love and approval in my life. I kept a very distance relationship with him, till he die. I am refer to as the crazy one in my family, at times it hurts but not always. I had to become my own person without my relationship with him. I hope you are in counseling, there is a way out of this madness and it starts with loving ourselves. Wish you the best on your journey to self-love.
Feb 20 - 8PM (Reply to #3)
janemarie
janemarie's picture

Yes...I understand...I wish I

Yes...I understand...I wish I could take a lot back that Ive done....but ya know what??? We cant beat ourselves up over it...whats done is done...the question is...what are we going to do to move forward???? I learned a lot from my mistakes....then I found this forum....and then I learned from hearing about other's experiences...so my advise is to listen....read...educate yourself about this disorder and how to deal with overcoming being with this person..... You have come as far as joining us here....so you are getting yourself ready for the journey to move forward and heal....embrace it....it will be hard work but sooooo worth it!! I promise!!
Feb 20 - 8PM (Reply to #4)
phantom adoration
phantom adoration's picture

Hey, we can only go forward

Hey, we can only go forward friend. Having a Narc Father has to be a big challenge. It is difficult to walk away from a family member, a parent. Reading your post made me realize what my daughter faces in the years to come. She is 17 so hopefully I will be able to help her when her relationship with him begins to fail and the rough times come and we all know they will. Just one more thing to be on the lookout for. I can NC and I have, but she has not nor do I expect or encourage that for her at this time. Too new. Try setting some boudaries with your Father. Make rules you enforce. Little steps.
Feb 20 - 9PM (Reply to #5)
cassandraa
cassandraa's picture

Your daughter is so lucky to

Your daughter is so lucky to have a mother like you who is going to validate all of her feelings. This is going to mean EVERYTHING as she grows up. She has a mother that is an example of how life can be more positive. My mother is in complete denial and that part is almost more painful. She urged me to get out of my relationship with my exN, was there with me every step of the way, yet she stays with my abusive father and takes his side over mine. She thought I was crazy for staying with my exN, but why is her relationship any different or any less abusive? It's really a "do as I say, not as I do" mentality that has screwed me up big time. The more I think about it the more glad I am that my exN didn't engage me because it truly was not about him.. it was me needing a break from reality just like I told him. If he had engaged me, i'd still be here going at it with him hours later for NO reason. I think I can't go forward with this process thinking I need to recover from my exN when its really that I need to recover from my N father. Thats the root of this. That's what I learned.
Feb 21 - 8AM (Reply to #12)
fallingfoward
fallingfoward's picture

I agree.....

I need to recover from my narc father, too. I hate to admit how he has affected all my relationships with men. My mom stayed with my father through all kinds of abuse, and some of my brothers have the same issues. Their wives have been through hell also. I think I saw this type of behavior all my life and have it embedded deep in my mind that this is how it is. I know in reality, that this in not true but somehow I still find myself in these situations. My exnac husband was exactly like my father, I left only because he tried to kill me. It's sounds like we both have some deep work to do. I thought I had a handle on this, but I don't. Wish you the best on your journey.
Feb 20 - 9PM (Reply to #6)
phantom adoration
phantom adoration's picture

Cassandra, Don't be too hard

Cassandra, Don't be too hard on your Mom. Perhaps she is pinning all her hopes and dreams on you. Fair of her, no, but all she is capable now. Maybe she is hoping you insprie her and feels this is all she can do, she may believe she has made her bed and must lie on it. She did encourage you. She is probably not in denial, she is probably very aware thus her ability to encourage you. It is not about her or your Father. Put your oxygen mask on first, save yourself. It is about you and you have already taken a huge step by grasping the reality. You can not save your Mom. Just hold on to it and do not let go. You do need to recover from your N Father, it is the root. I often say we are like a moth to flame. We are attracted to these monsters. My Mother was an N. I did not know it a the time, certainly know it now. Hang in there and be gentle with your Mother, she obvioulsy loves you and will continue to support you. Who knows you may shed the light the will illuminate her. Thank you for your post and kind words. I learned from you tonight.
Feb 20 - 9PM (Reply to #7)
cassandraa
cassandraa's picture

You make a VERY good point.

You make a VERY good point. It's all about my dad, he's the reason I ended up with my exN to begin with. I only contact my ExN when it's about my dad.. and in that sense I'm using him too. It's rediculous that I'm still contacting him when I know what he is. I thought about it.. and despite the fact that I know what my dad is.. I will still call him with a problem or seeking advice about something. It's like logically I KNOW he is a narcissist, I have seen what he has done to my mom and others. It's the same process I went through with my N.. my mind can grasp it but my heart cannot. I know my exN is a total scumbag. I know my dad actually is too, in reality. When I told him about my exN dating multiple women he laughed and said "HAHA so you were the other woman, huh?" I still go to my exN because I think he can provide me with something in that moment and I'm let down. Same with my Dad.. I go to him thinking he can provide me with something but he never ever will be able to. Can't draw blood from a stone. And yes, it is very very sad for my mother. And yes, I think she may feel like it's too late. It brings me to tears.. I know my dad still cheats on her all the time..
Feb 20 - 10PM (Reply to #8)
phantom adoration
phantom adoration's picture

Take a deep breath...

you are going in the right direction with your awareness. You are still hoping to be validated and supported by your Father and all he did was laugh? Pathetic that he would treat you this way. You are deserving of relentless affection and love not relentless cruelty and insignificance. Your N and your Father are not in your best interest. Please read, cry, read, cry, keep a journal. You are a good writer, you are catching on but you must take care of you. Go NC now. Neither of these men will love you in the way you deserve to be loved. They have shown this. Theya re simply NOT capable. Can't happen, ever! Look it sucks, big time. I was with my N 22 years and he left me via email. I am just now able to go almost an entire day without crying and when I do now, it is as if those tears are a cleansing and don't last long. You must stop validating their behavior by contact. By doing so you are keeping them alive to inflict further pain onto you and IT'S WORKING. This is what keeps them alive. This is what they crave and why they are compared to vampires. They don't know satifaction unless they can manipulate, destroy and discard over and over. Picture the proverbial belt with the notches. Same thing. I don't know you're story but I recognized for me I prostituted myself by reaching out to him, expressing my love and need. Unlike a prostitute I got nothing in return. Yuck. I will never do that for another, ever. You are an independent being, educated, capable of love, capable of understanding and seeing clearly. YOU ARE CAPABLE! Take the first step and go NC, even from you Father. You owe no explanations to him. If he reaches out and he likely will not, ignore him. If you need advice ask here. I am sure there are many contributors that can provide you advice. Do not call your Father, google it. If you call your Mother make sure it is when he is not around. This is about you. Drop the N in your life. He is a disgusting, feeble, cruel person who can only feel good about himself by treating you badly. that is his high. Your contactinghim is a quick but deadly short term fix...and hardly that. Your Father cheating on your Mother and your awareness of same is a lot to bear. I am so sorry. Just to let you know. I have a brother that is an N, cheated on his wife and now she has left him. He actually called me yesterday, whining...about her filing and his being only human, I reminded him of his infidelity and his asking her for a divorce last summer. He quickly became defensive and said well to err is human. I disagreed to err is a human condition, said what he did was not honorable and I found it unacceptable that he would try and rationalize his behavior. They are never accountable. There is no defense. Your Mother knows. I suspect there is more to her story than you know and that is probably a good thing. I spare my daughter the details. Your Mother is likely sparing you. So what are you going to do about you?
Feb 21 - 7AM (Reply to #9)
janemarie
janemarie's picture

My Mom told me not to marry

My Mom told me not to marry the exh narc....she told me he is just like my father....and of course i never saw this....until many years later... When I told her I wanted to divorce him she was very supportive...sad that i had to endure this but happy to be able to escape it all....She often told me how she wanted to leave but could never be able to support herself and us financially so she needed my father... I was having a bad day and unsure if divorcing was the right thing to do...I called her...She and my dad were in the middle of an agrument as usual and she yelled to me, "Do you hear this? Do wanna be like me and go thru this when your 75??? Keep going forward Jane!" I did...she was right... Unfortunately she didnt live long enough to see me get divorced...she had fallen and had an aneurysm and died 10 days later...He will never admit to it....but my brothers and I think my father pushed her...She died at the hands of her Narc..... We are doing the right thing....If my mom were here she would be applauding all of us....
Feb 21 - 5PM (Reply to #10)
cassandraa
cassandraa's picture

janemarie<3

Wow Janemarie, your story really hit me hard. None of us want to end up there. I don't want to end up like my mother with tired bags under her eyes drinking copious amounts of wine every single night to drown the pain with a son exactly like her husband. We have the choice to make the change now. I think right now my body mind and soul are in a fight between what is familiar, and what I've known my whole life against what I need to do and a changed life for the better. It's not always easy unfortunately. Especially when these things have been engrained to our core being. But, we are HERE. That's what counts. We are still HERE.
Feb 21 - 9PM (Reply to #11)
janemarie
janemarie's picture

Yes we are here....and have

Yes we are here....and have another chance for happiness and love that we deserve!!!! My mom would be so proud of me and in a way, I feel like Im doing this for both of us!!! I dont know how old your parents are, but I know that in my parents "day" people didnt get divorced...they stuck it out....different times....It was wrong!!! Keep moving forward Cassandra and do everything it takes... My Narc Dad had new supply 3 months after we buried my mother....at age 81 a Narc is a Narc....My father is my father.....He and I do not have a close relationship. I do speak to him a few times a week but I hardly ever see him, which is fine!! My distance with him is my boundary....I do not disrespect the man....but I refuse to fall all over him....He doesnt deserve all of my love and attention....and Im fine with that.... Set up your boundary....you will be happier for it