Round 2 - Why is it so hard
Round 2 - Why is it so hard
I'm back, some might remember me - it's been almost 5 years since I discovered what it's like to be in a relationship with a narcissist.
That was a rough time but I learned a lot.
For these past five years I'll admit I closed myself off. I threw myself into my career- after my break with the narcissist I went so far as to move across the country to take a new job and just start over. I excelled at my job and made a name for myself - after three years I moved back home to help family.
I settled in started a new job in my career field and found my balance. After a few months I met someone, I'd been closed off from relationships for so long that I didn't even think anything of it until she pursued me and friends had to point out to me that I was being dense. We talked for awhile and I realized that for the first time in a long time I was interested in her. I felt a connection and a level of trust in someone that I had not felt in awhile. Things were great ... At first.. Then I started to pick up on patterns and behaviors. I tried to convince myself that there was no way this was happening again. But it truly was all about her - her problems, her feelings, and the excuses. I became her phone therapist, only convienent when needed. Plans were a joke, she would cancel every time and blame it on the fact that she was a mother and couldn't drop everything. Don't get me wrong - I knew full well going in that he daughter would always be a priority and I never challenged that or questioned it. But every time we had plans - made weeks out or days out something always came up. Oddly enough when it was time to go out with her friends and party there was never an issue with baby sitters or the child's father ... But I digress.
I pulled the plug and walked away before I found myself in the position I was in before. But the kicker is- I work with her. Not every day but enough that it's like picking at a scab and can't ever heal. I've gone no contact but every time we would run into each other she reached out - and my resolve would collapse. Its gotten fewer and farther between her reaching out now and we mostly ignore each other. I've been labeled as the cold cruel one for cutting her out so completely. It's been three months since I walked away but I've been fighting with myself every day.
You'd think knowing what I know and recognizing the signs would have helped for round two but it didn't - it's like a punch in the gut and a slap to the face.
I've never been the one to wallow in self pity and I was so angry at myself for being torn up over the last one. Now it's disgust at myself that I've allowed myself to be in this position again. It feels like I'm drowning but can't tread water- my productivity has dropped at work. I'm completely numb to everything, hobbies, friends, food - I know these are all distractions and the thought of "keeping busy" makes me sick because I've allowed myself to toget to the point where this is a necessity. It's like a downward spiral and I see it happening but don't know what to do to stop it.
Any advice? I feel so damn weak both mentally and physically...