The roller coaster ride continues....

Something you posted on Monday helped me get through a really cruddy Tuesday. You said: "I always have a day of growth right after a day from HELL. It's the weirdest thing. But following pain and hell always always comes insight and growth for me." Letting yourself feel the hurt, the sadness, the anger on days like this, just paves the way for the growth that you know is coming. Something BIG is inside you my friend. xoxo Lynn

"We have all come here in different ships, but we're in the same boat now." Martin Luther King I am having a terrible day as well. I read a few articles on CD and it helped me a bit. The disconnect between the head and the heart is incredible. We will all fight together! Thinking of you-

I go through this also, Movingforwardnow. This stuff moves in cycles, we cycle through the feelings, and sometimes come back to old ones when we need to do more processing. For me sometimes it's day-by-day, i.e. entire days are better/worse than the others, and sometimes more micro, it's by the hour, going along fine and then there's a trigger. For example this morning stumbling upon some as yet undeleted emails of his in my personal mail server at work, seeing his name in my mailbox set me off. I can feel the unpleasant sensations arising now. Going to take some time now to pause, breathe, meditate, and bring up an image provided to me of him by my amazing subconscious one morning upon wakening: my good looking, very cuddle-able, charismatic albeit aging exN is standing a distance away from me, maybe on the other side of a stage or theatre. Yup, he has those undeniably disarming qualities that so many find seductive. But then there appears a flashing red sign around his neck (or sometimes it's just over his head) that says, "Danger! Danger! This individual is seriously disordered and toxic! Stay away!". It is like when my mind's eye portrays him in this way, from a distance, it is easier to grasp just how dangerous he is. More objective. With the flashing red sign placed there by 'someone else' that also knows.. It's far more difficult to accept his disorderedness when you're thinking of him up close the way he would be with you in his pretend mode, with whatever qualities that used to give you comfort at some point, touch, smell, voice etc.. I find it is best to visualize myself stepping away from that illusion, stepping back, way back. Danger! Danger! Do not be fooled! Stay away!

You will have set backs. It's all part of the process. I remmeber days like what you are experiencing and I am sorry that you or any of us have to deal with any of this. Even after recovery, you will hit walls, stumbling blocks, and they are frustrating as all hell. I personally hit one this week as well. Doesn't have to do with the narcs in my life.........or does it? Maybe I wouldn't have reacted to this new situation if not for my past encounters with the narcs in my life? Not sure, but have to deal with it the best I know how and realize that this will be something I will always deal with. Today is today, and tomorrow is a new day. Take each day as they come and accept the bad ones, knowing that they exist. You are doing wonderful and have a ways to go, but you will get there. Keep the determination......it does eventually get easier. I promise. As far as the tears, let them come. Dont deny them, because they are real and crying needs to happen. Chin up my friend. One day at a time.......

to your empowering day tomorrow, how long have you been NC now? I love your posts, love your honesty, some people when they post on here ..you really feel where they are at..you do that for me and you are helping me tons x x