The resistance to acceptance of the disorder is self doubt...

A rough day today....

But more enlightenment at the end of the day it seems...

During our relationshits with the disordered, one of the things that they do is create much self doubt. We doubt ourselves to be able to live within the pathological bonds of the relationshit. We have too. It is a survival mechanism.

Consequently, it dawned on me, that this carries on in the aftermath. Part of the slime the disordered left all of us with in some form or another.

I wonder if part of why it is so difficult to accept the disorder is related to the self doubt we are left with. Not denial, that's different, but DOUBT, and doubting myself creates fear, kicks in magical, unrealistic thinking about the disordered one then I have to counter that with CONFIDENCE IN REALITY, saying things to myself that are seem so insignificant, but remove the doubt I have like "Sunny, listen, this man is TOTALLY ABUSIVE and with the severity of the abuse, it would take YEARS for someone to overcome, if EVER". I began to realize today that when I doubt, I lose my grounding. My feet leave terra firma. I have to learn to TRUST myself and my instincts and if I doubt and start to fear, fill it up with what I know is TRUE and FACT about it all. Suddenly, I'll feel peaceful, okay in the moment. I LIVE for those moments as they become more clear to me.

In Thomas Sheridan's book (not going verbatim here, cuz I don't have the book right with me now), he discusses psychopathy as the person either being psychopathic or NOT psychopathic. This is apart of the doubt. I'm also inclined to agree that ALL of the Cluster B's, no matter what they are, all fall under psychopathy. NPD is being dropped from the new DSM. It will be interesting to see what the Cluster B's will be labeled then and there is great debate about it, but I do think Thomas is DEFINITELY onto something. lack of empathy, remorse, guilt. Core traits and everything flows from that in my opinion and that has never let me down. And the major thing that psychopaths everywhere want you to know is FEAR. Think about it in the world around us and in your relationshits. We fear because we doubt and we doubt because we fear.

For those of you struggling with NC, or believing that they somehow change later on, I can tell you that it isn't so. Last night, I received a call from my very first bf, first sexual encounter. This was from 25 years ago. ALL of my ex's (exception ex spouse who knows I want nothing to do with him), have contacted me within the last two years, with the same stupid lines. YEARS later. "You were the best sex I ever had" was the line given by ALL of them. And WITHOUT doubting, I can tell you that I know that NOT to be the truth. With maturity and age, we know that sex isn't the WHOLE of a relationship, but to a disordered one, it is. There is more to the absolute abuse he put me through and a lot of it ties into the last ex, but my triggers, my reactions are caused by DOUBT, then fear and then...well, you get the picture.

The biggest part of healing, I believe, is learning to trust yourself again. To remove the habit of self doubt that the psychopath sticks in your brain to survive the relationshit. None of us needs to do that anymore.

They are what they are. Pathology is pathology. It cannot be changed, it is REAL and the only FEAR that is real is self doubt and the only result of self doubt, is fear. Just what the psychopath wants you to believe.

Blessings.