Requiem for a Sociopath

by Barbara
(a true personal story)

(March 8, 1957 - January 1, 2000)

Introduced by Psycho-boy at college in November 1975, D. wielded svengali-like control over me for some time. After a while it was control by fear. Back then I knew nothing about sociopaths, brainwashing or trauma bonding.

When we first met and he took me out, I found out later he didn't believe I had a fiance in high school. When he found out I did (the fiance came to our college to visit me) he freaked out! (interfered with his 'reality') I later learned that D. had taken off with his parent's credit card for a small motel in town (off-campus) and holed up there getting high for 2 days and railing about me when my ex-fiance came to visit me... The ex-fiance he 'swore' I didn't have.

He also disbelieved all the stories about the small town I lived in as the overstated ramblings of some "upstate" girl. In my sophomore year, about 3 people from my high school joined us at undergrad college and D. got the same stories from them. He was stunned.

D. seemed to be ever present. He was one person alone with me and another with everyone else. He was one of the first guys who accused me of "being obsessed with him". I didn't know what projection was at the time. He continued saying this right up to the day he died - despite the fact I was married, with children and saw him once maybe every 3-4 years.

His values were shallow and superficial. His parents adored me. But in private, D. abused me physically. I'd had an intimate relationship with Psycho-Boy; who became his roommate for a short time. Psycho-Boy at first told him we had never been intimate. I told D. we had. One evening, in their room - while a bunch of other people were also there hanging out - I heard D. ask Psycho-Boy if we had really "slept together." Psycho-Boy's reply "her? No Way! I wouldn't touch her. She's not even Jewish."

I quietly got up, said I was tired, went downstairs to my room and cried myself to sleep. I guess that wasn't the time to tell either of them I'd had an abortion because of Psycho-Boy, huh?

Don't get me wrong. I wasn't promiscuous. I haven't been with many guys - in fact I can still count them on one hand and not run out of fingers. I don't believe in sex without some sort of emotional bond. At least what I believed was a bond -- on my part. Later Psycho-Boy admitted to D. we'd been together. Then he packed up and changed colleges - the first of many disappearing acts. When D. saw me a couple weeks later, he was so enraged that he threw me into a closet. I thought he'd broken my arm.

A couple years later, I moved off campus and was doing my best to maintain cordial distance from D. I had no boyfriend though I did have a relationship going. Quietly. VERY quietly. D. came by my house one evening when I was alone and after a few drinks, he got me alone. We argued, a D. slapped me so I landed into a door jam so hard I broke my jaw. I ended up in the hospital after being resuscitated.

How can I still have so much affection for this person? Probably trauma bonding. I do think that despite D. being a sociopath, there were a few times when he was honest & vulnerable with me. And he probably was angry that he was. And angry I was figuring his deep dysfunction out.

The final validating moment came 2 days before graduation. I'd had one of my numerous parties at my apartment. The day after 8 girls who were at the party stopped by early to help me clean. Together. I felt like an intervention was coming. After about 20 minutes they all asked me to "please sit down." It turned out these 8 girls had all dated D. sometime in the 4 years we'd been there.

Without missing a beat, all 8 of them told me he was "obsessed with me" despite his claiming the same about me. (projection) They started recounting incidents to me - like times they'd each been in his car with him - and he was driving around stalking me or parked outside the home of some friend I was visiting to see how long I'd be there!! He had Polaroids of me taken without my knowledge (i.e. - while I was walking on the street, etc) shoved into books. He also had a couple journals where he went on & on - disjointedly -- about me. Most of it highly delusional.

If I had known it was that bad -- I would have probably had a heart attack from shear panic years before. Everyone of these 8 girls told me - get away from him and don't look back.

When I moved to NYC he called the person I was staying with less than 24 hours after I got there. Thank goodness the person I was staying with knew the score on him and put D. off.

All that said, I cried long & hard when I heard he died. Cancer literally crushed his heart. Here was a person who'd never known love other than destructive self-love... someone who missed the true depth and capacity life can give to the fully engaged. A sociopath with no soul... who died as he lived. With all the attention and none of the feeling.

Wherever he is now, I hope he knows the healing of mind & spirit he so desperately needed.

This song always makes me think about D.:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NGXYAJoDWCk