Requesting an answer/explanation

Interesting and definitely very insightful, esp. helpful to read about how the Ns interpret *intimacy*.... strangulation, counterdependence, etc.... it all makes a little more sense. Thanx for posting this!

"Friends, I was reading a journal entry at Sam's site, and saw this paragraph: . . . I have a very serious question to ask of any of you here who could throw some light on my confusion: 1. my narc h never ever indicated that he 'needed' me. BUT all that he does with OW is tell her he 'NEEDS HER'" Did he never do this? Not even right at the very beginning? Often what happens is they do this at the start of the relationship, then it tapers off. However, bear in mind that different narc tactics will work on different people. What works for her may not have worked for you, hence he may well be different towards her, even if he has the same goals. "2. if he is to be classified as a real Narc, then how is it there is discrepancies? He couldn't care less if he lost me...in fact so many many many times during an argument where I am distraught because he has an OW..and because he is talking so lovingly to OW in front of me...and to me he is always cold and brusque.." Narcs are disordered by nature, so they don't often make complete sense. Years on we can still be trying to figure out exactly what makes them tick and it's usually a waste of time. Also, I doubt any narc ticks every single box in a list of diagnostic symptoms. He may well be loving to OW in front of you whilst being cold just to try and get a response out of you. "3. he seems to be so emotionally involved with OW, but not one bit of emotion for me or for our child. Is this a common behaviour pattern in a narc?" Yes. My father was pretty emotionless towards me and my sister and mother, whilst being all over other people. Infuriatingly, these other people then find it hard to believe they are dealing with a narc. It's a very common issue with them. People don't believe what they can't see, and they don't see the predator hiding in plain sight right in front of them until it's too late. "4.IF he is SO heavily emotionally involved with a professional prostitute which he met barely 18 months ago...and wants to marry her ( I have done a background check...this present OW is a professional hooker posing as an IT person).... THEN WHY DOES HE NOT COME CLEAN AND FILE THE DIVORCE PAPERS?" Because, quite bluntly, he wants to fuck with your mind. It's all a power game. "5. he has assured the floozie/OW that he will be getting a no-fault divorce this year in december...but he has not told me anything whatsoever yet." See above. "6. NH is very highly qualified and acclaimed person in international circles. End of this month he is going to make a presentation in USA...and he is going to share a hotel room with this OW. Now... HOW am i to believe that he is going to dump her? I see no signs of him losing interst in her." Right now, the odds are that he won't dump her. He will appear to have a huge interest in her...and then one day the cracks will appear for no apparent reason, just as they did with you. You won't see it coming, because it's all going on in their head, behind the cool facade they throw up. "I have given up snooping now...my report is barely 48hours old. Given this set of data, I don't even know what will happen in december. will he abandon me, that is his doormat wife...or will he let me use this food and shelter for some more time until i am in a position to move? I am really Confused." I'd advise you to make moves to ensure you are in the best position you can be in. If you are dependent on him, find ways not to be. Make your escape plans, no matter how simple, so that he doesn't have the power over you he'd like to think he has. "I agree...snooping isnt going to change any situation...so why stress myself even further with all that crappy data??" It's natural to do this because you're feeling vulnerable and reeling due to how he's treated you. At this stage, if you're dependent on him, it's probably best to be forewarned. Later, once you're in a better position, you can throw him out of your life.

that the Narc will size someone up to understand what their weaknesses are. I wasted a lot of time trying to get my Narc to acknowledge that he "needed" me in a professional capacity. I craved his affirmation. I think he was able to figure this out at some point, because I believe that he would actually tell me "I don't need you" to purposely hurt me. In the idealization stage, I certainly felt "needed." But as time went on, he recognized my achilles heel, and zeroed in on it mercilessly. 1) It may be that he's only telling the OW what she wants to hear. In their heads, narcs don't think they "need" anyone. Their egos are to big to allow it. 2 & 3) he's wearing a mask for the OW, he doesn't feel the need to put one on for you anymore. The lack of feeling he displays is closest to his "true" self. 4&5) Narcs are cowards. Or again, this is just what the floozie wants to hear. 6) Chances are, he will get bored. Once she's no longer a good source of supply, or when the "chase" is over, he'll look for another source of supply if he isn't grooming one already.