Relationship Addiction

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#1 Jun 26 - 6AM
TNR1
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Relationship Addiction

I am rereading a book that was referred to my by my therapist years ago called "Leaving the Enchanted Forest-The Path from Relationship Addiction to Intimacy" by Stephanie Covington and Liana Beckett.

From the Book:

"..in addiction the focus is on the significant other, to the detriment of yourself, not because you freely choose this, but because you are unable to say no to that person, being inordinately dependent and fearful of rejection and abandonment."

This in particuliar struck a cord with me:

"...convinced that her partner would treat her differently if only she were lovable enough, she may take complete responsibility for her partner's distancing. A central issue in her life has come full circle: she has recreated her childhood struggle to be loved by her parents, interpreting her inability to get what she needs as a lack in herself. She feels that she must earn love."

If you find that you are attracted to similiar men over and over again, this may be a good book to have as part of your therapy.

Jun 26 - 7AM
GIJ
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Thanks TNR1

Great recommendation. After reviewing Sandra Brown's "how to Spot a Dangerous Man" and workbook it is for me easy to now see my relationship patterns. I realized that one of the super traits she mentions in WWLP (liking risks) is something I have done. And in those times of feeling isolated, bored and lonely I am looking for some excitement. Nothing crazy, just something to take the edge off. I now see that what I do is run from my true feelings rather than sit and feel them. I have not wanted to face the truth. I believe, for me, it does go back to my early days and things that happened. I can also relate to the paragraph on fearing rejection and abandonment and having to earn love. As much as I realize intellectually none of these things are true, emotionally, and on some level, it operates. So that is my personal focus these days. Thanks for mentioning the book. Last night I picked up "Women Who run With the Wolves" by Clarissa Pinkola Estes. It was recommended to me because the stories in it show how to tap into the emotional, intuition, and natural instincts....all those things I have been ignoring to my detriment with this narc - truly a cut above the average dysfunctional person.
Jun 26 - 8AM (Reply to #9)
Bodhi
Bodhi's picture

oh!

I have Women Who Run with Wolves on my wishlist at the library... give us an update after you have had a chance to read. Thanks for the recommendation TNR1. I think its so important in recovery to ask yourself what your part you played in the relationship. Although my ExN is clearly messed up, I have spent a lot of time exploring why I stayed with him as long as I did and what I can do to avoid this down the road... Thanks again! And boy do I concur with how hard it can be to sit with those less-than-exciting feelings. I also have found that when I'm feeling bored or down or whatever that I usually look to other people to "fix" those feelings and make everything better... can you say codependency? LOL
Jun 26 - 8AM (Reply to #10)
GIJ
GIJ's picture

You bet Bodhi

I've only read the intro and I already love it. I'll keep you posted! Another tool that has helped me is Sandra's Mindfullness book and CD of exercises. I always thought I would evaporate or explode if I sat still and really acknowledged truth. Turns out, I'm doing ok. Wish I'd done it sooner, but I'm not going to beat myself up. I've a lot of things to cope with. I've been spending time alone with none of my handy pacifiers TV, music, internet (a hard one), etc, to "just be" and I really don't want any company or distractions. It seems so great to enjoy myself. It's peaceful and calm - so nice to not have my mind racing. One day at a time...sometimes one hour at a time. Enjoy your day!
Jun 26 - 10AM (Reply to #11)
GIJ
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A preview of women who run with wolves

When I read this last night I knew this book had much to offer. I read this section and had to put it down and soak it all in. It gave me hope I would get through this and reclaim my life. Here's a sneak peak: Once women have lost her (the wild women within), and found her again, they will contend to keep her for good. Once they have regained her, they will fight and fight hard to keep her, for with her their creative lives blossom, their relationships gain meaning and depth and health; they are no longer marks for the predations of others; they are entitled equally under the laws of nature to grow and thrive. Now their end-of-day fatigue comes from satisfying work and endeavors, not from being shut up in too small a mindset, job, or relationship. They know instinctively when things must die and when things must live; they know how to walk away, they know how to stay. When women reassert their relationship with the wildish nature, they are gifted with a permanent and internal watcher, a knower, a visionary, an oracle, an inspiratrice, an intuitive, a maker, a creator, an inventor, and a listener who guide, suggest, and urge vibrant life in the inner and outer worlds. When women are close to this nature, the fact of that relationship glows through them. This teacher, wild mother, wild mentor supports their inner and outer lives, no matter what. So, the word "wild" here is not used in its modern pejorative sense meaning out if control, but in it's original sense, which means to live a natural life, one which the creature has innate integrity and healthy boundaries. These words, "wild" and "women", cause women to remember who they are and what they are about. They create a metaphor to describe the force which funds all females. They personify a force that women cannot live with out. Reading the posts you all share is heartbreaking. These people are so cruel and demeaning. Just remember how special you are. Know that our past does not define us. If we get on a healing path we will live our lives as they were meant to be lived. No matter where you are in your discovery of pathology, narc and sociopaths, and the impact they have had on your lives remember, the future can be bright again. The pain will ease when you take steps to heal. No contact, therapy, learning all you can about pathology and red flags, and reclaiming who you are will get you where you want to go. Don't give up on yourself!!
Jun 27 - 1PM (Reply to #12)
Lisa E. Scott
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GIJ

"Once women have lost her (the wild women within), and found her again, they will contend to keep her for good. Once they have regained her, they will fight and fight hard to keep her, for with her their creative lives blossom...." I love this...so true!
Jun 26 - 7AM
Scoop
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Im i being thick lol i did

Im i being thick lol i did have a few pints of beer last night. What is it saying ?
Jun 26 - 7AM (Reply to #6)
TNR1
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No problem Scoop...

And I just picked a paragraph that resonated with me. It is saying that if you are a relationship addict, you are more likely to blame yourself for everything in the relationship because you have an underlying belief that you must EARN love. That is NOT TRUE, but for me, and perhaps for others, it feels true.
Jun 27 - 12AM (Reply to #7)
NancyM
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TRN1felt true for some.

That definitely felt true for me and I was happy to address that. It was the fallout that I could not earn the love of my father, raging N. Yep serial N relationships because of it, and other reasons as well, but now I know this I can deal with it. It is not about blaming ourselves at all.

Nevergoback

Jun 26 - 7AM
Scoop
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In normal relationships this

In normal relationships this may be of help , but what we have been through is brain washing , trance and hypnosis . None of which was our fault and really there was not much you can do about it if targeted by a clever narc . although i hate the word victum we where a victum of a very deranged , disorderd narcissist . I have to hold on to that fact because if i let it slip i start to blame myself and go down the route of "it only i wanst so messed up i could have done something about it " and maybe that was true for about a week at the start but when a narc works his number on you most people would go under with out education . His bull sh*t wouldnt work now but at the time i didnt know about the condition . I was a Lamb to the slaughter .
Jun 26 - 7AM (Reply to #4)
TNR1
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The book is not suggesting anyone is at fault

I think you need to reread the quote Scoop. It is saying that if you are a relationship addict, you are more likely to blame yourself for everything in the relationship because you have an underlying belief that you must EARN love. That is NOT TRUE, but for me, and perhaps for others, it feels true.
Jun 26 - 7AM (Reply to #3)
aceonelady
aceonelady's picture

Scoop...Please...

Believe me I wasn't messed up,i am no Angel,but i am not messed up,and i am not naive either....Those guys are poisoning,fake ,even Mother Theresa would not know what hit her....There are women that are doctors,psychologists etc that fall for it too...You were not messed up,THEY ARE F****g dangerous and criminals from my point of view....There really should be a law and punishment for these guys,,,They destroy families,women ,children and ARE dangerous....Is not US is Them....they even abuse their own children....Please do not be hard on yourself....HUGHS

Aceonelady

Jun 26 - 7AM (Reply to #2)
TNR1
TNR1's picture

Not true....

Scoop..a relationship addict typically does not get into a "normal" relationship. They have triggers...and most of the time, it is for men who fit a particuliar type. What I am suggesting here is another book for individuals who find that they are attracted over and over again to the same type of man...whether he happens to be N or not.