Relapse

The cognitive dissonance is creeping up on me. I had a relapse and looked at his FB today. I knew that he and his insignificant other had a baby and I just felt compelled to look. I thought the baby pictures would hurt but it really didn’t bother me, the baby is adorable. What did bother me was something that he wrote about forgiving. He said that you should always forgive because the truth comes out and some other BS about how God allows you to see the truth in time. The advice was sound but so hypocritical. He has hurt me more and been so cruel to me yet he talks about honesty and forgiveness. He’s a known and admitted pathological liar, though he claims he’ stopped. He has used me, being nice until he gets what he wants and then suddenly turns so hateful, not just distant but mean and hurtful. The last time I was with him (over a year ago) he said the most sickening thing to me, just really degrading. He could watch me cry with either a blank expression or blatant contempt. The cognitive dissonance kicks in and I begin to wonder if it’s me. Maybe there’s something wrong with me and that’s why he treated me that way. I start thinking that he does and can be genuinely caring to people but not to me and I wonder why. I know I must stop going on facebook so I’ve installed a program that blocks both facebook and twitter. I even picked a random password so I can’t get into the program to take the block off, but my one slip up has left me doubting what I thought I knew.