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regrets over who I could have been without the Narcissist that derailed my life

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#1 Jul 18 - 6PM
drivencrazyinflorida
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regrets over who I could have been without the Narcissist that derailed my life

I can't help but wonder where I would be if I never met him. I am so off-track, I feel my soul has been suffocated in a deliberate manner. I just turned 50. I've lost 10 years I can never get back. Is there any upside to this? How do you recover your self esteem and sense of purpose. I don't miss him anymore by a long shot, but I feel terminally damaged.

Jul 19 - 5AM
awayfromhim
awayfromhim's picture

Reading the responses here

Reading the responses here often has me wondering why the victim mentality is so prevalent at times. I am 51. I was married to an N for 30 years. I've been abused physically and emotionally. I am recovering. I often read here and it seems that so many have this attitude of being damaged forever, like they are not of value due to being with an N. Everything sucks and will continue to suck. For me, I will not remain in a victim mentality. I will not continuously ponder if I will ever find another relationship with someone. I will not focus on what was lost. I will not keep myself in a place of despair as the N did. If I were to do that and keep that mindset, how would I move forward? I managed to divorce an alcoholic, abusive, narcissist. It is not about the fact that I stayed as long as I did. I was scared shitless of the bastard and the fact that I got out certainly isn't something to bemoan. It is something to be so incredibly proud of. I will focus on me. I will focus on what I have gained being away from repression, condescension, gaslighting and outright abuse. Recovery is not about keeping your eyes on all the negative. It is not about staying in a pit of despair. It is not about consistently looking at the loss. It is not about staying in the problem, it is about getting into the solution.
Jul 19 - 12PM (Reply to #6)
Lisa E. Scott
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Awayfromhim

Exactly! "I will focus on me. I will focus on what I have gained being away from repression, condescension, gaslighting and outright abuse. Recovery is not about keeping your eyes on all the negative. It is not about staying in a pit of despair. It is not about consistently looking at the loss. It is not about staying in the problem, it is about getting into the solution." I love what you're saying here! We must always remember this! Your words remind me of this quote: “Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass…it's learning to dance in the rain.” - Unknown ...
Jul 18 - 6PM
MsVulcan500
MsVulcan500's picture

Driven,

I totally understand what you mean. I too, am almost 50 and I gave up most of my 40's on this jerk. And most of the time I knew I wasn't even that happy with him! I also know that he deliberately used and abused me, and I let him do it! I don't miss him either, but I also wonder about the opportunity cost here, what I missed out on. From here, all we can do is look forward. Hopefully we are learning about relating to people, and learning about boundaries. I know I am more myself now again, and not so guarded about what I say trying to avoid retaliation. My friends and family have all noticed the difference. I like to think that I am not damaged as much as just changed by this experience.
Jul 18 - 6PM (Reply to #2)
drivencrazyinflorida
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thank you Driven

Thanks for telling your story and letting me know I am not alone. It is easier not to despair when you have love and support.
Jul 18 - 7PM (Reply to #4)
neveragain5
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Funny you should write this,

Funny you should write this, I was just thinking about this when I went to the store. I feel like not only did I give up 10 years of my life to my N's in relationships, but also through work. I spent so much energy on him and fighting for his needs that I neglected to further my own well-being through continued education and finding a career that I would be satisfied with. So where does that leave me now? I go between being thankful that I currently have a job, (even if my boss is an N) and wanting desperately for a normal, positive atmosphere, however not knowing the first step in finding it and not having the confidence to get there. I stayed in bad work environments through a combination of feeling stuck, low-self esteem and being guilted into staying when I wanted to go. I know I should look at the positive and focus not on what happened but what I can do now, but I struggle with it some days. Mostly on the weekends when I do not have work to take my mind off of things. It seems like getting motivated to get a new job right now is all that I can handle and anything else, (finding a great group of friends or getting out and enjoying life), isn't something that I have the energy for. Everyday that is like this, I feel like I am wasting more and more time. You're definitely not alone in this, drivencrazy.
Jul 18 - 7PM (Reply to #3)
almostlydia
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You are not alone. Had a

You are not alone. Had a similar story posted by Jazzmen today about turning 54 and wondering how long this was suppose to continue. I do believe we have a somewhat different perspective the older we are and looking at how long before we are able to live again. I am 51 and gave 10 yrs to this one following a 15 yr marriage. I am a true believer that things happen for a reason and somewhere down the line I will see what it was. But being 51 and damaged to this point, I have to wonder whether I will ever have another chance for a 'real' relationship again. I have been window shopping for a while now just to see what might even exist out there for me and I don't get too many 'man sightings' as I call them. So I don't know what the answer is, but I do understand the question. All I can say for now is 'keep the faith' that there is life after this slow poisoning. Sometimes just feeling like my old self is happiness enough for the moment. Oh, yea and you know, 50 is the new 40:)

almostlydia