Regrets and Moving On

I am moving forward. I have missed most of my niece's bball games because I don't want to see exn. This is her senior year and I've missed out. I just do not feel comfortable going now. I contemplated going to one of her final games, but I feel so uncomfortable. I worry that I will go down hill just being in the same building as him and OW (new wife I've heard), and his children. It hurts, but I cannot go. I know it will piss off family because I am not supportive and giving him too much power by not attending. I KNOW he will be there and with her. He took me last year.

I know he brutally discarded me, moved and married new girlfriend, and terrorized me the last two months before his moving. I have not contacted him in any way and he does not contact me. He completely dropped me. I am grossed out by him and do not want to be anywhere near him. There is a repulsion I feel, and every now and then I will feel humiliated for getting involved with him, and his total discard and new girlfriend - all before one year after breakup.

I still feel shame and it has brought up some serious past memories. It has been almost paralyzing. I have the good and bad days...the emotional rollercoaster. Some days, many actually, I feel isolated and notice so many women around me with abusers. It is so common. All of these women (several family members included) have abusers who hang on to them, and I was totally discarded. So. Even though I feel logically that it is the best situation, I will feel like I was not worth anything because he never tried to reconcile. But I do feel it more and more that this was a BAD situation. I know several of the women tell me to "get over it," but they cannot imagine total discarding because their partners hoover and they always go back. If anything, they pity me.

I wish I had not gotten involved with him or his children. If he wanted OW (because he has known her longer than me), I wish he had started with her. It sucks feeling like I was the "test run" and he is now with this innocent angel and has made the public commitment to her. I regret giving my all. I regret it all, and I am getting closer to acceptance. It's bigger than him though. Spoke to my therapist and confided in a past memory and she said, "Finally, this is where the real work is. He was and is the distraction from this nugget of truth. You have to face the truth and I WANT TO SUPPORT YOU THROUGH IT. YOU CAN DO THIS. IT IS TIME, EVEN THOUGH YOU DON"T FEEL STRONG, YOUR BODY IS TELLING YOU THAT YOU CAN HANDLE IT NOW." I'm working on the courage to go forward with it.

If I see him this weekend, I will spiral down, so it's best I avoid him. I erased his info several months ago, but don't have to block because he has never tried to get a hold of me. We used to lived near each other and worked together, but he's moved now and I've been healing faster than before. I was an absolute mess, but picking up now. I have to admit that I've gained weight.

I'm rambling...thank you for reading and "listening." I greatly appreciate it.

Isabella

It is getting better though.