Reflections on a "happier" time

I had some time to kill on the commuter train this Friday, so I decided to flip through the notebook I carry on me, which I use to jot down thoughts and questions, in part as a journal, and in part for analysis during my therapy sessions.

Even after learning about Ns and being NC since late April, I somehow still kept the idea in my mind the relationship I had with exN was great the 4-5 months before the last D&D. I thought he was finally making real change, because he went into therapy and realized he needed to be a better person. He claimed no more secrets, he spent more time with me, and he told me he cut out all the OW in his life. He also confessed he "fell in love" with a mutual acquaintance during the time we were together, but he told me he decided to forgo that relationship b/c she is married, and his intentions were to get over her and move on. I believed all this, and I thought we were making progress together. Until last Friday, I still held these memories as being somewhat positive, even knowing what I know now.

Imagine my surprise when I read my thoughts from this period and saw how miserable and confused I was. I constantly wondered if I should break up, because I still had doubts about him and our relationship. Although he became more available and responsive than before, he was still gas-lighting me and giving me ST, but just in more subtle ways. He still could not answer simple questions about what I meant to him and what his true feeling were for me. Even though he decided to not pursue the woman he was in love with, he continued to remain "heart broken" (pity play), and he would every now and then slip into lamentations about her (triangulation) when we were together. He would also tell me I was more this than her, and better that than her, but the unsaid thing was that despite all my good qualities, he was still in love with her (devaluation).

It's amazing what CD-colored glasses did to my perception. It's also amazing what NC, good therapy, and self-examination did to bring me back to reality. My guts clearly screamed "get out", yet my clouded emotions kept me going back for more abuse. What's the lesson here? Listen to your guts, trust your instincts, and get out if you suspect you are in an abusive relationship. For those of you who are struggling with NC, or questioning if the N is really an N - listen to your guts. If something does not feel right, then it probably is not right.

This was another a-ha moment and quite a humbling lesson on denial and self-deception.