Reddley's Story

This is very long and there are a few curse words and very personal and graphic/sexual statements in this post. You have been warned. Some of this jumps around a little and I have tried to keep things chronological as best that I can for anyone who reads it.

I met this man September 2010. We started to be work friends around mid-December.
He was alone, no family. I had asked him to come for Christmas dinner with my family so that he wasn’t alone. He told me he wouldn’t ever celebrate Christmas again. His mother had died on Christmas day a few years before that. He has a brother and a sister he does not have any contact with. I felt so bad for him.

We started to spend some time together outside of work. We went for breakfast Christmas Eve, after work (we work nights). Practically the entire time, he spoke about himself. Three hours of all about him. At the time I was a willing participant. I was interested in this man and wanted to know about him. I didn’t think anything of it that he never asked me about me.
He loved two things – his jeep and the beach. His mother was a saint and his father was an abusive drunk who lied about things like having a business degree to gain respect. I saw pictures of his father from when he was in the military, always with different women. His siblings both suffer from PKU and were high needs children. His sister was diagnosed too late and his brother only ended up with mild brain damage so he is a functional adult with a place of his own and a job.
I suspect his father abused his mother partly for being a failure at having healthy children and partly because he was also a narcissist.
He claims that he never got any attention from his mother as she was always working to support the family and when she was home, she had to deal with his needy siblings. He told me about his ex wife and how she had wronged him. How he ended up getting arrested and going to jail.
She had her masters in chemistry, he barely finished high school. She was beautiful but thought she was ugly. She was introverted. They were together for 14 years and she said she wanted children. He told her he wouldn’t have children unless they were married because he didn’t want to have bastard children. They were divorced about a year later, not long after his mother died. He fell into a deep depression and his wife couldn’t take it.
She told him that she didn’t love him anymore. He told me that he cried like a baby for three hours. He said she said hurtful things to him like “We should have just stayed friends” and he thought that was the most awful thing anyone could have ever said to him. When he left, he left everything she ever gave him there… and family pictures from when he was a child, things that his mother had left him. He didn’t want any of it. (Guilt trip on her or self punishment – I do not know)
They rarely had sex – apparently it was a chore to get it once a month from her. He said she could never have an orgasm with him. She didn’t like to be touched. When she left him, she turned into a party girl, he said. He found her on facebook and completely lost it. All these pictures were of his ex and all his friends WITHOUT HIM. He said, “This is my life, my friends, my wife but yet I am not there. What the fuck is going on here?”
He messaged all of her friends and made comments about her to them. It ended up that he was arrested for harassment and put in jail. He had to stay in jail for 38 days until his court date – he was beaten up a few times during his stay. The judge chastised him for his behaviour and gave him the choice – back to jail or mental institution for evaluation. He chose the mental institution out of fear of being beaten up again. A restraining order was put in place for his ex.
They evaluated him as a narcissist with peter pan syndrome. I somehow couldn’t believe the narcissism diagnosis but the peter pan syndrome fit well with the goofy, playful, childlike guy I had met. He said at this point, his own brother walked out on him along with all of his friends.

I began to have feelings for this man not long after that. I saw him as a man who worked hard and had no one. He was never viewed as a lazy employee. He did the work of two or more people every night. I thought his wife was a bitch for leaving him over him being depressed over his mother dying. If you love someone, don’t you help him or her through the rough patches? I thought he deserved to be happy and seeing him alone was a horrible thought. His eyes were just like a sad child’s. I told him how I felt and he stated that he was not interested in a relationship. He said he couldn’t date someone who smoked. He also said he could never trust me and if I told him that I loved him, he would never believe me. Everyone who loves him bails on him. He needs space and enjoys being alone. I accepted all of these reasons and remained his friend.

Feb 2011, He had injured his back at work and was in a lot of pain. I had offered to help him. I would go over to his house before work, bring him things that he needed, bring things like heating pads, tiger balm, and ibuprofen etc. massage his back… anything to help him get back to work faster. He called work one morning and asked my boss if I could leave early to take him to the hospital, as his pain was so severe that he was in utter agony. The hospital gave him a neck brace to relieve the pressure… he refused to wear it because it would look stupid. The minute we got back to his place, he threw it away. I mentioned that since he was home, no one would see it so it wouldn’t matter how stupid it looked. Not a chance.

St Patrick’s day a few of us got to drinking. I had long since gotten over being with him but I still cared for him deeply. I had just spent the last month looking after him while he was sick. I stayed the night at his place. Nothing unusual, his couch was a sufficient alternative to a DUI. Except that this night he told me I could stay in his bed because he knew his couch made my back stiff.
He told me he was sorry it took him so long to make up his mind. He thanked me for looking after him so well when he was sick – no one had ever done that for him before. He said he really liked me a lot. I was thrilled. He initiated the sex and it was peculiar. It was like being in a competitive sport. He bent me around in ways that I felt like he was trying to emulate porn. It was very tiring to say the least. His stamina was incredible. I am a very passionate person and a good lover. I have never had problems getting my mate to orgasm. This man would not, could not orgasm. I was stunned because I knew he had not had sex in over 4 years (since his wife). After about 3 hours of constant stimulation (gladly I had several orgasms – none of which he earned credit for - or my vagina would have been like a sand box), I asked him what was wrong. He said “Nothing, I was like this with my ex wife as well”. We fell asleep for a while and went back at it again. I discovered he could only orgasm with his own hand. The sex was emotionless, laborious and mechanical in nature. It was almost immature, like being with a fumbling teenager except I seem to recall teenage sex as enthusiastic and energetic. Me being the helper that I always have been, decided to look into this and see if we couldn’t figure out why he has this problem. The only thing that it could be is delayed ejaculation (previously called retarded ejaculation), which is, in most cases, a mental disorder that requires therapy. I knew how he felt about therapy and didn’t bother to mention it to him. I did ask him about how many lovers he has had. He told me three. One in high school that he had sex with and regretted it because he discovered he didn’t like her after he had sex with her, his wife then me.
This man is 44 years old. I found this peculiar. At any rate, I would never make fun of him for his lack of sexual experience or inability to orgasm with my hand, mouth or vagina and I had kept my mouth shut about things to try or ideas I had due to concerns of bruising his ego and humiliating him this early on in the relationship.

The forth time we had sex, I had brought a corset, black stockings and black heels over because he mentioned that he liked them. I thought ok maybe this will help him open up a bit and be more comfortable with me. He then asked me if he could trust me with something. I said he could. I was told about his fetish. So he brought out this ankle length silver fox fur coat and asked me to wear it while I was on top. He told me that I was sexy and he actually seemed more connected to me for once – sort of.
He still couldn’t orgasm without using his hand. We almost never had sex on the one day a week that we spent together after that. I later found out it was his dead mother’s coat.

Over the remaining time together, I realized that I was questioning my own abilities as a woman. I began to feel undesirable. I felt inadequate. This is crazy! I have men 20 years younger then me hitting on me at work. I have two ex’s who still want to reconcile after many years of being apart. But this one man is making me feel like a piece of shit and I can’t even see how he is doing it.
He would allow me to lay with him to watch tv and it was acceptable to put a hand on his stomach or chest but if I touched his hand he would recoil as if I was filth. I couldn’t help this man to enjoy sex with me. I couldn’t get him to kiss me unless I asked. I emailed him once and said this hurts me that I have to plead to get a kiss from you once in a while. So he gave in and began to without me asking… for a while. I had somehow felt like a whiner for even bringing it up.

His birthday in July… good food, good friends, great day all around. We go to bed that night and I was hoping to give him a little birthday sex. I started to touch him - he got an erection and allowed me to give him a blowjob for a little while but then he just pushed me away and said he was too tired. Instant iceberg out of nowhere.

He can be charming and funny at work. When it was just him and I alone, he was boring (after we ate, he would often just fall asleep) unless he had to talk about something that interested him - such as work politics and how things pissed him off. On nights I wasn’t working, I’d wake up to emails from him bitching about things other people did at work. When I had complaints, he would simply reply with stop complaining. Hah!

Our conversations surrounded him, his current life, his past life, injuries to him by other people. When it was about me, he showed very little interest and was always a short-lived conversation. He loves the beach. I asked if I could go with him. He said, “You don’t like the beach”. I said “No I only learned how to swim a few years ago and I am not a strong swimmer so I am nervous about swimming in the ocean. I would still like to go”. He would still go without asking me to come. Not once did he ask. He would tell me of movies that he downloaded from the internet and ask if I wanted to see them. I would say “Oh yeah I have wanted to see that for a while”. Then a few days later he would tell me he watched it already and I could take it home to watch it on my own.

He quit his job last October because he didn’t like what management had to say about one of his complaints. Fortunately for him, they took him back. He has a criminal record and is not bondable and practically every business around this town requires a clean record. He removed everyone from facebook that he worked with because he felt that no one supported him. It was a method to gain attention from people by them emailing him and asking him why they had been removed.

His anger got him removed from a position with responsibility. He would yell at people for screwing around and ended up yelling at our boss for letting people screw around. He didn’t get a cut in pay but it still pissed him off. I believe he is upset purely over the loss of the status and nothing more. If he was bondable and could work elsewhere, I am positive he would have quit by now. He is stuck and frustrated... and it's not HIS fault that he is stuck.

My male friend at work confided in me that he thought my boyfriend might be jealous of our friendship. So I asked him. He was not in the least bit jealous. He was never jealous that his ex went out to bars with her friends without him. Why would he be? No one else could have been good enough to steal his ex or I away.

People at work would ask us when we were going to move in together. He’d made me feel like utter crap with how he said it would never happen. All he had to do was say maybe in the future or change the subject instead of being mean. He already knew that I live with my parents because my mother is sick. There is no real way for me to simply move in with someone.

People would ask if he had met my parents yet. I live with them and care for them and he has not once been to my home. He would simply reply with I don’t want to meet them if they are anything like her.

He constantly complains to management about this one guy at work. A sweet guy without a malicious bone in his body – cries at the drop of a hat. His attitude is if he starts to cry, go for his throat, do not sympathize with him. He was always trying to recruit people for his little crusades against people that he didn’t feel had the privilege of working for our company.

He was so vain it began to be sickening. He started to push it on me as well. He would say things like “You know, my mother would never leave the house with a single hair out of place”. I’m one of those towel-dry my hair and let the wind do the rest kind of girls. I do not have time to piss around prepping for a non-existent beauty contest when I work with a bunch of men on an over night shift where I get covered in dirt. I am clean and presentable when I get there and that’s enough. I did however dress nicely when I was with him but I still didn’t put great effort into it. He should like me for me.
He has a mirror that he stands in front of while he works out. He shaves his chest and will only go rollerblading if it’s warm enough outside to go shirtless. He made some very critical sounding comments to me about another guy we work with that really is far more built. Petty and jealous.

A passing conversation about a movie in which a woman who lost her arm from a shark bite blew my mind. He stated quite frankly, “If you were in an accident and lost a limb, I would dump you straight off.”

Over the last few weeks he has been challenged beyond his tolerance level, by me and other people in his life.

His sister is in a group home as she was diagnosed with PKU long after the brain damage had been done to her. He refuses to go see her. He speaks of her with enthusiasm and I do think he might even love her in his own way. I also think he is jealous that she has the privilege of remaining a child forever.
I asked him if she has any concept of time. He said she did. I said since you know my own brother is mentally retarded, they are like children and she probably believes that she has done something wrong. You should go see her. That is the first and only time I have seen him come close to crying. I brought it up again at work and he looked like he would have slapped me if he knew I wouldn’t slap him back. He is the same height as me and I simply will never take that shit from anyone. I grew up on a farm with mostly males around me. I had to be tough. I would never be the one to initiate violence, but it isn’t beneath me to finish it if my child’s life or my own life is in peril. (For the record, my daughter is 19 and in another part of the country so she has not be subjected to this ass)

The new phone book was on his doorstep one evening when I went to pick him up for work. The first thing he did was look up his brother to see where he lived. Which caused me to ask why he doesn’t talk to his brother. His brother wouldn’t go see him when he was in jail and he disowned him for it. He would never contact him because he bailed on him when he needed him the most. I said don’t be ridiculous; it’s been over 3 years now. I knew immediately I shouldn’t have said that and just shut up.

He had been saying I’m getting old or I feel so tired. I was originally responding with but you still look good and are in great physical condition. He really is. But lately, when he says things like I am so tired all the time, I have been replying with “Yeah well you’re getting older.” I know that wasn’t sitting well with him. I can only stroke someone’s ego for so long before I get annoyed.

The last time we had sex was July 1st. I had a small non-earth shattering orgasm, he asked if I had cum yet and as soon as I said yes he quickly lost his erection. I said, “it’s ok babe, we’re getting older, these things happen and it’s not a big deal.” I gave him a blowjob until he was close so he could finish himself off. He rolled over and went to sleep. After I said it, I realized, I am beating the shit out of his fantasy of staying young by saying “we’re getting older”. I didn’t really think anything of the fact that he had lost his erection the second he knew I was finished. That was his selfless act for the day.

At the end of June 2011, an old friend of his from when he was married came to town for his vacation. They went out for drinks and had made plans to go out on the next Saturday evening with us. Saturday July 2nd came and I asked him when we were going, he said we’re not. They never got back to me on a time or place. I suspect his friend realized that he hasn’t changed in the few years that they haven’t seen each other and decided to just simply avoid going out.
His mood deteriorated from there. I went to shower and put on a sexy night gown to see if I could cheer him up and he protested immediately. He wanted me to put clothes on, as I wasn’t going to be lying around his place in my pyjamas. We ate dinner then he just drank until he fell asleep and when I woke him up to go to bed he asked me to go home.

The next morning, he emailed me to tell me that I had left my toothbrush there and asked if I’d like to bring it to work that night. I was pissed off about being sent home the night before and I replied with “OH YES! God forbid if I forget something at your house, I may end up moving in behind your back in no time!” and said I didn’t think this was working. He replied with “You are free to leave, I do not want you to be in a relationship you are unhappy being in”. I said I just felt that he didn’t care for me as I did him and I cannot be with someone that doesn’t love me or is incapable of loving me back. I do not know how he feels. I am also not his ex, I enjoy and need to be touched by him. I felt that him making up all the rules was too difficult and it would be nice if we could make some compromises.

I guess that bomb I had dropped was a bad move because that started the silence. Two days past and I asked him at work to talk to me. He said about what? I said anything. He says how about that email? I said sure. He says I do not like head games and this is why I did not want to be in a relationship in the first place. He looked furious. Then the silence continued.

I ended up emailing him several times over a few days. I had no idea if the silence was him needing space to think or if he wanted me to go away for good.

I’d send simple one line emails like “Do you want me to come get my things?” No reply. I ended up saying to myself screw this! I will not be dismissed like a child. I have been bawling for days over this asshole’s childish bullshit. I have been a complete mess at work and crying when anyone asked me how I was. He will answer me. So I called July 7th. Left a message and told him I would be at his place at 8pm to get my things before work. He emailed me and said do not come over, he would bring them to work. I called again. I need some closure. I need to know that we can be civil at work. He emailed me while I was on his answering machine talking to him – “Please do not call here again. Do not email me again. I do not like this in a person. I am just not feeling it with you. I will bring your things to work.” What a coward! He wouldn’t even answer the phone to tell me, just in text. I bet if I had of called again or emailed again, that he would have called the police.

The audacity of this man! Wow, really? He does not like being harassed but he can harass his ex wife so badly that he ended up in jail over it and not think anything of it. I felt like a freakin crazy person, like a stalker… I should not have had to call him and email him over and over to get any answers.
As for not feeling it with me… he KNEW I had given up chasing him and was content with being his friend after he said he wasn’t interested in relationships. Why did he cross over that line knowing I was fine with this if he didn’t feel something? And I am the one playing head games? What an asshole!

Tonight will be my first night back to work since he told me not to call or email him again. I spent days crying over this man’s silent treatment. Surprisingly I am more together right now then I thought I would be. The reason? I dug out some old psych research papers from university.

It is a sad thing that we may have educational insight on different things and can view other relationships as being detrimental to someone’s emotional stability and sanity but yet when the situation involves us, we fail to apply that knowledge to save ourselves. I am more pissed off with myself for not seeing him for what he really was then I am at him for doing what a narcissist does instinctively. How could I have been so damn blind?

It ALL made sense. He is in the very least a cerebral narcissist with a peter pan complex.
Why he is so confrontational with people at work. He constantly feels he is superior to everyone else. Why he quit college... it was beneath him.
Why he crossed over the line with me while I was looking after him when he was hurt. He knew other men at work had pursued me and I blew them off. He knew I was educated and would boost how others viewed him. I was unobtainable to others but they would envy him for getting me. Other’s had joked about him being gay to his face and that’s why he wouldn’t date me. There is no way he could allow people to think that of such a manly man as himself.
He discovered I was a willing source of narcissistic supply. I showed him sympathy and I provided him with soothing comfort for a small time. This explains his sexual dysfunction... Sex was emotionless and seemed to be only done because it was his duty. He used sex to control our relationship. Some cerebral N's never have sex. Others only have sex when they feel they have to do so in order to keep their narcissistic supply from being threatened. The lack of sex when I initiated it was harmful to my self-esteem. We only actually had sex 6 times in three and a half months. What confused me was if I put my hand on his leg, he would get an erection. His motivation to do anything about it was non-existent. When he wanted it, we had it. But again, he could only ejaculate with his own hand. At least I can take small pleasure in knowing that he didn’t toss me away for a new woman.

I fed him for a time. Quite generously I might add. I told him that he was handsome, he was sexy and looked great for a man his age. He had always stated he didn’t like things about his body and his face, he hated that he was old and it made him feel tired. He loved food. I’d indulge that and bring food over and cooked for him. I cleaned for him, fixed broken things for him around his house, and sewed his clothing that needed mending. Brought him food for lunch at work, brought him coffee etc. I didn’t judge him on his sexual dysfunction. I was there when he needed to vent and often I sided with him because I didn’t know the other side of the story. The minute I started to challenge how he felt about me and threaten his source, I was in danger.

I was tossed away the minute I showed any weakness because they prefer to be around people who are better and stronger then them to prove to themselves that they are better then they really are. The minute I said I couldn’t be with someone that doesn't love me back showed the ultimate weakness... I NEED something.
He tells everyone at work about his money problems. A paradox here - he normally would want people to think he is better then he is and therefore admitting to money problems would make people think he's weak and would be highly humiliating to him BUT right now he needs the sympathy that he gains since I challenged him and he had to toss me away. I am sure the stories at work about us breaking up will revolve around me being cruel and bailing on him while he is in financial turmoil. That will feed him for a time.

This is why he got madder and madder with me as the past week went on... I said nothing to him as I thought he needed space... I wasn't providing him with positive or negative attention and lack of any attention infuriates narcissists. He is an angry narcissist and the only way we would still be together is if I had of confronted him straight off and fought it out with him and then admitted he was right. I do not expect him to love me purely based on the fact that I love him. I simply needed to know if he had any feelings for me so I could assess the relationship. He is incapable of sincerely apologizing for anything. He may apologize, but only as a means to an end... to regain narcissistic supply.

I know I cannot do anything for this man except be an object for him that provides him with a source of narcissistic supply. Once he gets enough, I will be tossed aside again until he needs more. He is an attention whore and an emotional vampire and I am nothing more then food for him.

The sad thing is, I feel badly for him. I see him as a wounded bird that needs to be helped not the manly man image that he projects. Being with someone like him is only safe if he can be forced into respecting boundaries and if I can understand that he is incapable of loving me. I cannot be with someone who doesn't love me and I do not believe that he can respect boundaries when he is at a low point. I would love to be able to send this post to him in an email so he knows his cover is blown and I will not be lured back into his clusterfuck of neediness. But I think it would just enrage him or he would reply with - If it makes you feel better to believe such things, then so be it. It would result in nothing that would benefit either of us except to prove that I am beneath him. Fuck him. I won't give him the satisfaction of having that fantasy, especially since narcissists already love to have their fantasies about themselves.

I now understand why his ex left him and why she changed once she was rid of him. I think it would be an interesting to have a conversation with her and find out just how messed up he was. Being with a narcissist like him for so long must have been extremely detrimental to her self-esteem. I would bet that his story about her not wanting to be touched was only because she knew if she asked, he would act like an ass about it and make her feel like shit for being needy. I wouldn't be surprised to find out she secretly sought out therapy prior to leaving him or she had been told many times by her friends and family that she needs to get away from him before he kills her inside. He truly would never have left her alone until she contacted the police. I DO think he is smart enough to not become a stalker again... but not without thinking the justice system is wrong for not allowing him to do so.

I know that I cannot win this battle EVER. I had told him I would never bail on him like his old friends did. I got myself into a pickle right there. If I stay away to preserve my own sanity, I have bailed on him like everyone else. If I stay and weather the storm, I am a stalker. It will always be me that is at fault. So is this a battle worth fighting? Hell no! If I am a liar for not sticking around after saying I would, then so be it. I’d rather be a liar then the alternative.

I am feeling MUCH better about all of this now. I want to thank him for tossing me aside to give me time to evaluate our relationship (or lack thereof) before I got too involved. But I know that no contact is best - any contact continues to feed him, regardless if it's positive or negative contact. I have to maintain no contact as best that I can. I am in danger of being attracted to narcissists for a reason. I was raised by one. That is another story for another time.

Each and every one of us must remember that we deserve and are entitled to be loved. We should never be expected to love someone else unconditionally. Being with a narcissist means you have to do that. You must love without expecting love back. Love even though you are neglected. Love even after being humiliated in front of friends, family, co-workers… Even love them after they have torn your heart out and shit in the gaping hole that is left behind. And love them while you pick up the pieces and wait for them to return. The cost of unconditional love is far too high. Never promise to love someone unconditionally!

I am printing this out and keeping it in my purse so I can re-read it and remind myself of the dangers of forgiving him and allowing him back in if I begin to feel anything for him when I see him at work. And believe me, the new job search begins. Why the hell didn't I stick to my own rules? NEVER shit where you eat! (Don't sleep with co-workers)

It also helps me a little that I can imagine him all alone in his shitty little world stroking himself while cuddling his mother’s fur coat.

Reddley