Red Flags of Abuse

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#1 Sep 3 - 6AM
Anonymous (not verified)
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Red Flags of Abuse

Warning Signs of an Abusive Personality

It is sometimes possible to predict the likelihood of the person you are currently or are about to become involved with being abusive. Below are a list of behaviours and traits which are common in abusive personalities. These are commonly known as Warning Signs.

While not all abusive people show the same signs, or display the tendencies to the same extent, if several behavioural traits are present, there is a strong tendency toward abusiveness. Generally, the more signs are present, the greater the likelihood of violence. In some cases, an abuser may have only a couple of behavioural traits that can be recognized, but they are very exaggerated (e.g. extreme jealousy over ridiculous things).

Often the abuser will initially try to explain his/her behaviour as signs of his/her love and concern, and the victim may be flattered at first; as time goes on, the behaviours become more severe and serve to dominate, control and manipulate the victim.

Jealousy
At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser will always say the jealousy is a sign of love. He/she may question you about whom you have spoken to or seen during the day, may accuse you of flirting, or be jealous of time you spend with family, friends, children or hobbies which do not include him/her. As the jealousy progresses, he/she may call you frequently during the day or drop by unexpectedly. He may be unhappy about or refuse to let you work for fear you'll meet someone else, check the car mileage or ask friends to keep an eye on you. Jealousy is not proof of love, it is a sign of insecurity and possessiveness.

Controlling Behaviour
Controlling behaviour is often disguised or excused as concern. Concern for your safety, your emotional or mental health, the need to use your time well, or to make sensible decisions. Your abuser may be angry or upset if you are 'late' coming back from work, shopping, visiting friends, etc., even if you told him/her you would be later back than usual. Your abuser may question you closely about where you were, whom you spoke to, the content of every conversation you held, or why you did something he/she was not involved in. As this behaviour gets worse, you may not be allowed to make personal decisions about the house, clothing, going to church or how you spend your time or money or even make you ask for permission to leave the house or room. Alternately, he/she may theoretically allow you your own decisions, but penalise you for making the wrong ones. Concern for our loved ones to a certain extent is normal - trying to control their every move is not.

Quick Involvement
Many victims of abuse dated or knew their abuser for less than six months before they were engaged or living together. The abuser will often claim 'love at first sight', that you are 'made for each other', or that you are the only person whom he could ever talk to so openly, feel so at home with, could understand him so well. He/she may tell you that they have never loved anyone so much or felt so loved by anyone so much before, when you have really only known each other for a short amount of time. He/she needs someone desperately, and will pressure you to commit to him/her or make love before you feel the relationship has reached 'that stage'. He/she may also make you feel guilty for not committing yourself to him/her.

Unrealistic Expectations
The abuser may expects you to be the perfect husband, wife, mother, father, lover, and friend. He/she is very dependent on you for all his/her needs, and may tell you he/she can fulfil all your needs as lover, friend, and companion. Statements such as: 'lf you love me, I'm all you need.', 'You are all I need.' are common. Your abuser may expect you to provide everything for him/her emotionally, practically, financially or spiritually, and then blame you for not being perfect or living up to expectation.
Isolation

The abuser may try to curtail your social interaction. He/she may prevent you from spending time with your friends or family and demand that you only go places 'together'. He/she may accuse you of being 'tied to your mother's apron strings', not be committed to the relationship, or view people who are your personal friends as 'causing trouble' or 'trying to put a wedge' between you. He/she may want to live in the country without a phone, not let you use the car, stop you from working or gaining further education or qualifications.

Blame-shifting for Problems
Very rarely will an abusive personality accept responsibility for any negative situation or problem. If they are unemployed, can't hold down a job, were thrown out of college or University or fall out with their family, it is always someone else's fault, be it the boss, the government, or their mother. They may feel that someone is always doing them wrong, or out to get him. He/she may make a mistakes and then blame you for upsetting him/her or preventing him/her from doing as they wished to.

Blame-shifting for Feelings
The abuser will deny feelings stem from within him/her but see them as reactions to your behaviour or attitude toward him/her. He/she may tell you that 'you make me mad', 'you're hurting me by not doing what I ask', or that he/she cannot help feeling mad, upset, etc. Feelings may be used to manipulate you, i.e. 'I would not be angry if you didn't ...' Positive emotions will often also be seen as originating outside the abuser, but are more difficult to detect. Statements such as 'You make me happy' or 'You make me feel good about myself' are also signs that the abuser feels you are responsible for his sense of well-being. Either way, you become in his/her mind the cause of good and bad feelings and are therefore responsible for his/her emotional well-being and happiness. Consequently, you are also to blame for any negative feelings such as anger, upset or depression.

Hypersensitivity
Most abusers are easily insulted or upset. They may claim their feelings are 'hurt' when they are really angry, or take unrelated comments as personal attacks. They may perceive normal set-backs (having to work additional hours, being asked to help out, receiving a parking fine, etc.) as grave personal injustices. They may view your preference for something which differs from their own as a criticism of their taste and therefore themselves (e.g. blue wallpaper rather than pink, etc.).

Cruelty to Children
The abusers unrealistic expectations of their partner are often mirrored in their attitude toward children. He/she will think of children as 'small adults' and blame the children for not being responsible, having common sense or understanding. He/she may expect children to be capable far beyond their ability (e.g. is angry with a two-year old for wetting their pants or being sick on the carpet, waking at night or being upset by nightmares) and will often meet out punishments for 'naughtiness' the child could not be aware of. Abusers may tease children until they cry, or punish children way beyond what could be deemed appropriate. He/she may not want children to eat at the table, expect them to stay quiet, or keep to their room all evening while he/she is at home. Since abusers want all your attention themselves, they resent your spending time with the children or any normal demands and needs the children may have. As above (cruelty to animals), there is a very strong link between Domestic Violence and Child Abuse.

'Playful' use of Force in Sex
He/she may pressurise you to agree to forceful or violent acts during sex, or want to act out fantasies where you are helpless. A male abuser may let you know that the idea of "rape" excites him. He/she may show little concern about whether you want to have intercourse and uses sulking or anger to manipulate you into compliance. Starting sex while you are sleeping, demanding sex when you are ill or tired, or refusing any form of intimacy unless you are willing to go 'all the way' can all be signs that he/she could be sexually abusive or sexually violent.

Rigid Gender Roles
Abusers usually believe in stereotypical gender roles. A man may expect a woman to serve him; stay at home, obey him in all things - even things that are criminal in nature. A male abuser will often see women as inferior to men, more stupid, unable to be a whole person without a relationship. Female abusers may expect the man to provide for them entirely, shift the responsibility for her well-being onto him or heckle him as being 'not a real man' if he shows any weakness or emotion.

Verbal Abuse
In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful, either in public or in private, this can include degrading remarks or running down any accomplishments. Often the abuser will tell you that you are 'stupid', could not manage without him/her. He/she may keep you up all night to 'sort this out once and for all' or even wake you at night to continue to verbally abuse you. The abuser may even say kindly things to your face, but speak badly about you to friends and family.

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
Very rarely do abusers conform to the stereotypical image of a constantly harsh, nasty or violent person, either in public or in private. More frequently the abuser portrays a perfectly normal and pleasant picture to the outside world (often they have responsible jobs or are respected and important members of the local community or Church) and reserves the abuse for you in the privacy of your own home. Nor are abusers always overtly abusive or cruel, but can display apparent kindness and consideration. This Jeckyll and Hyde tendency of the abuser serves to further confuse the victim, while protecting themselves from any form of suspicion from outsiders. Many victims describe "sudden" changes in mood - one minute nice and the next explosive or hysterical, or one minute happy and the next minute sad. This does not indicate some special "mental problem" but are typical of abusive personalities, and related to other characteristics such as hypersensitivity.

Negative Attitude toward Women
Some men may tell you that you are different to all the women they have known before, who display a lack of respect of women generally or who talk negatively and disrespectfully of their previous wives or girlfriends. They may tell you that you are special, not like the others and that they consider themselves to be the luckiest man alive to have found the last decent woman. It is not likely to be long before they remember that you are a woman and don't deserve their respect.

Threatening Violence
This would obviously include any threat of physical force such as "If you speak to him/her again, I'll kill you", or "If any wife of mine acted like John's did, I'd give her a right seeing to". Threats are designed to manipulate and control you, to keep you in your place and prevent you making your own decisions. Most people do not threaten their mates, but an abuser will excuse this behaviour by saying "everybody talks like that.", maintaining he/she is only saying this because the relationship or you are so important to him/her, tell you you're "over-sensitive" for being upset by such threats, or obviously want to hurt him/her. Threats can also be less overt, such as "If you leave me, I will kill myself", or "You are so wonderful, I will never let you go/couldn't live without you".

http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/Abuser/signs.htm

Apr 4 - 11PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

RED FLAGS OF ABUSE

Read Top Post ~~~~~~~~~ Repetition does not transform a lie into the truth. - Franklin D. Roosevelt Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals
Sep 3 - 3PM
cynthia (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

GOOD ARTICLE

this was good reading on abuse, that explains why my husband always got mad when I talked to my friends on the phone, ISOLATION, and shifting blame, tricky little tactic - the bas ----ds and we end up apologizing for something that was never our fault to begin with. I am ordering the book now, can you believe it, I think it will bring more clarity to me I am learning so much and the more I learn the stronger I get.
Sep 3 - 8AM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

dolce - you did NOTHING wrong. NOTHING

NO! IT WAS NOT YOU! NOT YOU! They hypnotize and control us, on purpose. They install FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt) Discuss this with your therapist ASAP start reading: http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/06/01/victims-guilt-and-shame http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/05/05/narcissists-make-you-guilty-sin-feeling-pain http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/03/30/how-ns-erode-your-identity http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/04/18/youve-been-brainwashed-part-i ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Narc Victims - Updated Daily "As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. Beck
Sep 3 - 8AM (Reply to #6)
dolce (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

thanks Barbara..I will

Is it common for the victim to start taking on these characteristics then? I felt so desperate at the end.I felt cornered. Nothing I did or didnt do had any effect. I was watching my life and myself disappear. I saw that I was turning the anger in myself, and I remember my mom said "get angry at HIM!", not YOURSELF! "anger will push you to defend yourself and your life..let it help you. Don't be sad and depressed. Get angry!" So I did. Only a week later, he left. Maybe he knew the gig was up. But a part of me (because anger didnt feel comfortable to me) feels this guilt. I will talk to the therapist. Thank you.
Sep 3 - 1PM (Reply to #7)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

dolce

yes it's common. it will pass ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Narc Victims - Updated Daily "As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. B
Sep 3 - 7AM
dolce (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Guilt-was it me?

I sometimes see that I did a few of these things myself toward the end of the relationship. Like controlling (or trying to control what I felt as my world crumbling apart),Verbal abuse ( I didnt want to hide my anger any more at the cheating, so I flung some choice words),jealousy (not directed at him but towards the other women), and blame shifting (it was all his fault-if he had only stayed the man he was when I met him, things would be ok). After I see myself and the thoughts I had or the things I did, I feel very very down on myself. My self esteem has already taken this big hit and I'm trying to climb out of this hole, but now I feel worse that I did these things. I also feel hopeless. Whenever I read these lists of faulty behavior, I see a little in me and I wonder..was it me all along just like he said? Was it my fault after all? I previously thought that he said this to me as part of the abuse, but I sit here and wonder now. ..and I feel so bad and the guilt is all over me. Can someone help me with this please?
Apr 5 - 2AM (Reply to #4)
Maggie
Maggie's picture

Guilty? NO!

Yes, I feel a lurch of guilt reading the list above as when I was at my lowest with my husbands crushes I did some of the things in the list too. Remember it was only because he goaded and 'worked' you. No normal person could stand that kind of pressure without cracking. And my husband continues to behave as if I am the abusive one - it's what they do. But learning about this stuff is very liberating! It's not you it really is them!
Sep 3 - 5PM (Reply to #2)
finallydone
finallydone's picture

I really doubt it

Hi! I really doubt very very seriously that it was you all along. I can really only speak for myself, but I bet a lot would agree... been there and done that. Oh I definitely started screaming obscenities, I definitely got very very mad.... and actually, I do think it was all his fault. If he were not an abusive, narcissistic A___ H___ then we would have had a normal relationship where both of us are imperfect and sometimes screw stuff up.... but it would have been normal. So.... with the subject we're discussing I really really really doubt that it was "you all along just like he said." That's what these guys tell us. We're the crazy ones, we need help. But every day that I get up and get along with my son (whom I live with) and there is no yelling and screaming... and everyday I go to work with people I've known for 14 years, and evertime I go out with friends that I've had for years and years and years... I KNOW it wasn't all me just like he said. My personality is consistent. Not everybody adores me all the time... but at least they know what to expect. Ask yourself the same questions and see what you come up with. Don't worry sweetie... you are not what he said... you wouldn't have any guilt if that were true. You've just been beaten up by a big jerk!
Nov 20 - 3PM (Reply to #3)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

the red flags of abuse

read top post ~~~~~~~~~~~~ My Abuse Information Site Online Coaching & Help