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Red Flags~

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#1 Jan 25 - 1AM
FUMB
FUMB's picture

Red Flags~

What were some of your most obvious red flags right from the get go? Mine...

He fell for me immediately... so quickly that I was scratching my head trying to figure out what exactly he liked about me bc he hardly knew me.

PUSH/PULL/PUSH/PULL/PUSH/PULL

He TOLD me he had cheated on his wife with other women!!! (My God... how did i not RUN as far and as fast as I could upon that revelation??)

He HATES his parents. I mean, DESPISES THEM.

His dad cheated on his mom throughout their marriage... and, yes, they are still married. Again... he hates his dad and has NO respect for his mom.

He's a COP!!! (AND he told me that virtually EVERY ONE of his cop colleagues were married, but had girlfriends on the side-- it's the norm where he works.)

He has no friends.

He always accused ME of lying... I would actually tell him that the people who accuse others of lying do so bc it is they who are the liars and so they figure everyone else lies, too.

He told me that his wife always thought he had a drinking problem and that he hid alcohol that he bought from her (numbing himself bc at that time he may not of had another outlet for his narc addiction?)

DRAMA. DRAMA.DRAMA

Was very much stalker-ish. Obsessed with my Facebook profile... and I caught him doing a "drive-by" one night.

Share some of yours so we all know what to look out for in the future!

Jan 27 - 2PM
prettypeeved
prettypeeved's picture

Hot/Cold

The chief one was the hot/cold/hot/cold/hot/cold behaviour. I can remember vividly having days with him where I felt so good, so in love, so happy...and then a few days later I'd give him a call and he just wouldn't want to speak to me. Also, he was quite happy to slag off my friends, and say some seriously nasty stuff about them. His friends I never saw, except rarely, and the ones I did encounter fell into two categories: 1) Straight 2) Gay, and I eventually realised, being manipulated by him in the same way he was manipulating me. His parent he didn't really like. Seemed to live a separate life from them, despite living with them in the same house. They were unaccepting of his sexuality. He was also liked to play Why Don't You, Yes But (I recognized this from the book Games People Play), which is basically where he presented a problem and then dismissed every single suggestion I came up with to solve it - because he didn't want to solve it. Stuff like that bit by bit made me realise something was very, very wrong.
Jan 27 - 12PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

An interesting red flag...

I never saw the ex-Psych professor eat anything that involved utensils. It was always bagels. ALWAYS bagels. And, apparently burgers. I was once with a young man, and he ate some of the spaghetti with his fingers. I also felt overly, um, excited when with him... and the last time I was hormonally that way was with the ex-P. Needless to say, that young man and I are basically NC. At least my baby nephew is proud that he can eat his sweet potato purees with a spoon!
Jan 25 - 9AM
ValiditySeeker
ValiditySeeker's picture

Red flags

Mostly the way he made me feel about some imagined transgressions of something I did. For example, I had written my own name on a piece of paper and he talked disgustedly about how "vain" he thought that was and I found myself trying to defend myself over something that I thought was so fucking stupid. I suppose if I had written his name, he'd have felt perfectly fine about it. I will never again defend myself to anyone. Especially for imaginary b.s. He idolized his mom in a creepy way. He tried to deprive me of sleep: he'd pick midnight as a time to air his grievances and when I said I was too tired for that, he told me I didn't care about him. My stuff was his stuff: CDs, food, money. On the other hand, his stuff was off limits. He kept tabs of all the money he spent on dates and then made sure I spent an equal amount on our dates. He could never pay for something out of generosity but because it was his turn to pay. The gifts he bought me were equivalent in value to what I got him: that was his sole concern when buying a gift; making sure it didn't cost too much. And he would tell me as much: "I bought this because it costs $30. I wanted to buy X but that costs more than how much you spent on me for my birthday so I got you this instead." He could always make me feel ashamed. He crashed my car (I was not allowed to drive his car) and when I asked for money to repair it, he said it wasn't his responsibility but it was my parents'. He asked for my phone number then didn't call for three days. Just when I'd written him off, he called. Push, pull. I later asked why he waited so long to call and he said that it was a rule: you don't call a girl too soon lest she think you're interested. Uhm, then why get her number in the first place, asshole?
Jan 25 - 9AM
victimnomore
victimnomore's picture

Fumb

Was a long time ago but I'll never forget, Was jealous of my friends and he didn't even know them. Called all times of the night when I had to go to work the next day. Talked about something in his past that was bad but made himself out to be a hero. My 2 kids did not like him from the very beginning. (saw something that I didn't) Asked to marry me after 3 month and wanted me to have a baby after 2 months dating WTF??? put my outfit and shoes in a bathtub filled with water because he did not want me to go out. was very needy and overly affectionate. called 100 times a day for nothing! He was crazy from day 1! LOL

victimnomore

Jan 27 - 1PM (Reply to #2)
ally2375
ally2375's picture

Red flags

I had quite a few red flags also... 1) Seemed jealous of my friends, or the fact that I even HAD friends. He never met any of them. 2) Never introduced me to any of his friends. 3) Would ignore me all week (we worked together) then text obsessively over the weekends to find out where I was. 4) Wanted to know where I was at all times, even if I just ran out for lunch. Wanted to know who I was meeting. 5) Went through my mail. 6) Casually looked in closets or just around my house when he came over. Got the feeling he was looking for evidence of other men having been there. 7) Was secretive about how he spent his time when we weren't together. 8) Would get upset if I didn't acknowledge him quickly enough when I came into the office or if I didn't log in to IM for some reason. Thought nothing of ignoring ME when it suited him though. 9) Suddenly left on several occasions during social engagements for work when he thought I wasn't paying enough attention to him. 10) Would confine most of his communication with me to IM or text. Rarely called me on the phone or wanted to get together. But, the texting was constant. 11) Would seem crazy about me one day, completely ignore me the next, then accuse ME of being "secretive" or of ignoring him. 12) Told me why he had broken up with some of his past girlfriends. One girl was "too into her dogs" so he broke up with her. Another liked a different version of a song than he liked, so he decided it could never work. All the reasons were ridiculous. 13) Told me he had been planning to put a GPS app on my phone so he'd always know where I was but had decided it was a bad idea because, since we had different kinds of phones, I would ALWAYS be able to see where he was but he would only know where I was if I logged in to the app. Guess that defeated the purpose.
Jan 27 - 3PM (Reply to #3)
safyre99
safyre99's picture

There were lots of red flags

There were lots of red flags for me. Some of them were: My exN talking about living together after just dating for a month. He would be a little condescending and then after awhile he would make comments to make me feel that I wasn't smart. I know it stemmed from his insecurity since I had my master's. He was envious of me... seemed to not be happy for me if I got a raise or promotion at work or even just bought some new furniture. He would snap at me... after awhile I felt I could never say the right thing to him. A lot of times when we talked on the phone he would seem like he wasn't paying attention to what I was saying and I could tell he was focused on his computer.... but if he didn't think I was listening to him he would get annoyed. I never met any of his friends. The list goes on and on.... I know I should be happy to be away from this guy who treated me so poorly... I wish I could stop missing him! And, I keep wondering if the OW is experiencing any of the red flags I experienced... I keep thinking he's treating her better, but I know that even if it's true right now... his other side will come out eventually.
Jan 27 - 3PM (Reply to #4)
strongerthanever
strongerthanever's picture

Wow! So simliar to mine. I

Wow! So simliar to mine. I never met any of his friends. Mainly because he had none. Just work associates and many were ex's or ones he was flirting with or never told I existed. That still bothers me after all of these yrs (2 yrs broken up) that he didn't acknowledged I was alive! Ouch. He was condenscending to me and his family. If I didn't answer the phone in a happy, over-joyed tone, then he got mad. Kept his cellphone off or silent many times. Erased the computer history when he was done. Never talked about people from work by their first name. Critical of things I did, my kids, family and friends. Drank a lot when depressed. Hot and cold with emotions. Seemed absent most of the time. didnt help me move because he didnt like the other people that were helping me. Would not spend time with my family. He didn't push me to move in with him. I have a feeling he did or took up on the OW, now wife, offer to move in after 3 months of dating. But he did push for a lot of alone time with me in the beginning. I wonder if he did with the OW/wife because she has two little girls full-time. Why was that not an issue with her but with me? Who knows if she pawned them off on her ex-hubby or not but from what I heard, the ex-hubby had the girls typical visitation but every sunday for half the day. He didn't really care for my son nor want him around (red flag) so then why was he dating someone with small kids that were always around?
Jan 27 - 3PM (Reply to #5)
safyre99
safyre99's picture

Mine was like that too

Mine was like that too strongerthanever. My exN didn't have a lot of friends and the ones he had I'm not sure if he ever even told them about me. I asked him a couple of times and he said yes, but not sure I believed him and he never invited me along when he visited them. Mine was also critical of me, never spent time with my family (never even met any of them), and was hot and cold with emotions. Seemed almost like he was in his own bubble.. his own world. I always wonder how Narcs are around kids... I'm sorry about how he treated your son... and that is strange that he would then date and end up marrying someone with kids. One of the reasons I think my exN broke up with me is because he seemed to think I wanted more of a commitment and he wasn't ready or didn't want to commit, but he's now dating someone who has a child, and to date someone with a child is a pretty big commitment I would say, since you become a part of the child's life too, not just the mother's. And when he told me about her having a child it almost seemed like he already considered himself like a stepdad. It's like he wanted this instant family. But, why was he not able to commit to me, but he seems to be able to commit to the OW? I guess I should feel bad for the OW and I should grateful he's not in my life anymore, but it still hurts.
Jan 27 - 4PM (Reply to #6)
strongerthanever
strongerthanever's picture

Same thoughts and feelings

Same thoughts and feelings as you. I read the other posts and can relate to them since he did the same thing too: drive-by's (caught him after he was 4 months married); he was ALWAYS the one to break it off with other girls and me but I broke it off a few times and he would try to turn it around like he was making the choice; wouldn't take my advice and accuse me of not supporting him; kept tabs on how much $ he spent on our outings compared to me; my kids didn't like him; broke a vase of mine but didn't admit to it when I left it was fine and 2 hrs later, it was broken and he was the only one in the house; took stuff from his families home without asking or telling anyone;snapped at me a lot when the end was nearing, or out of the blue. If the OW little girls just love him and don't talk back, then it is all good with him. Little girls are different I guess. Plus, his family told him before he started to really date her that he was a a-hole for how he treated my son. So, if I was to guess, he is trying to prove he can be a stepdad and the problem was that "we" had kid issues and "I" was the way I was plus, my son was to blame for the trouble with bonding with him. When we dated, my son was 8-11 yrs old. Like a child of that age knows anything about bonding. They just know when someone yells at them, call them names, or makes no effort in their lives. My son has more emotional maturity than the exN right thumb. I am grateful for how things turned out. I read in another post that someone wrote "God removes people out of our lives to protect us." I had a couple of spiritual readings last yr to help me and 2 of them said the same thing: "God or the Universe removed him because you need someone that will be monogomous and has integrity, be there for you, be on the same page. he isn't your soulmate. His energy is not on the same level as you. He's like a troll under a bridge and his agenda in life is different from yours. Of course he had to move on, you exposed his true self." Those words is what gives me comfort. I know in time, the OW will be living in hell and worse because now, she has to go through the courts to get away. Maybe they are perfect for one another. I just know that he abused my son. He is a P.O.S for doing that.