Recycling

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#1 Nov 30 - 10PM
GeorgiaGirl
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Recycling

I keep having these mini-cycles of denial, anger, bargaining and depression and I am 8 months out as of today. I don't know if it's the stress of the move or the holidays or just the exhaustion of dealing with two assclowns while parenting 4 children. Is this the final step towards acceptance?

I read on another post (I'm sorry I can't remember who wrote it) that this experience is akin to finding out there is no Santa Claus...and that's exactly how I feel right now. My eyes have been opened to the dysfunction that surrounds me, I'm not sure what to do with that and I'm left with just an overall feeling of sadness. I don't want stbxN to be irrepairably damaged. I don't want to be alone especially at Christmas. I don't want to start over from scratch, yet again, on every level in my life. I don't want to feel like my heart has been shredded and my mind so fucked over that I don't know what was real and what wasn't. And most of all I don't want my children's lives to be torn apart.

I understand on a logical level why I had to go through this experience. I see full well how far off the path I had gotten and how I was selling myself out for my "soulmate". My "relationship" with stbxN was so sick and damaging. I was killing myself day by day and I didn't even realize it until I was out.

But my heart is still far behind in the acceptance of this situation and that is where I find myself tonite. Struggling to understand why this had to happen to me, what I do with the new information and where I go from here.

Dec 2 - 9AM
Goldie
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Your comment regarding what was real to him struck me

I also struggled with this regarding various PD's in my past. I was watching the movie, Adaptation one day and when I heard this dialog it hit me strong. Loud and clear. We cannot control the actions or thoughts of another. Yet, no one can take away from us what OUR experience was regarding events and experiences. The bottom line for me was, that I loved them and the fact that they could not or did not love me is not my concern anymore. I have my memories and what they think or feel is out of my control. This brought me incredible peace and closure and I was able to let go of what THEY think or feel or don't think or feel. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0268126/quotes?qt=qt0273490 Another helpful spiritual song by Beatle George Harrsion resonates with me as well: George Harrison - Who Can See It Ive been held up, Ive been run down I can see quite clearly now Through those past years, When I played towing the line. I only ask, that what I feel, Should not be denied me now, As its been earned, and I have seen my life belongs to me My love belongs to who can see it Ive lived in fear, Ive been out there, Ive been round and Seen my share Of this sad world And all the hate, That its stirred I only ask, That what I know, Should not be denied me now As its been learned, And I have seen my life belongs to me My love belongs to who can see it I only ask, that what I feel, Should not be denied me now As its been earned, and I have seen my life belongs to me My love belongs to who can see it. My love belongs to who . . . God bless, Goldie
Dec 1 - 8PM
Crazy Train
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GeorgiaGirl, I'm right along

GeorgiaGirl, I'm right along side with ya! I've been effed over, mind & body. Sure, my body loved what was the best sex of my life....but my mind has been destroyed. I don't think we'll EVER find out the "why's" of going thru this experience. I have pieces of me all over the place. It'll be a puzzle missing some pieces when it's all said and done because I'll never be the same :( Somehow, I'm sure time will heal what we are feeling. But I feel like I just don't have THAT much time to waste waiting for it to happen. My 7 months feels like 7 YEARS...
Dec 1 - 8PM (Reply to #12)
GeorgiaGirl
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You made me laugh

So thank you for that! Your line "But I feel like I just don't have THAT much time to waste waiting fo it to happen" just struck me as funny because that's exactly how I feel. I'm 8 months out and wasting away all this time feeling like shit. I agree...I won't ever be the same person again. And you know, that might be a very good thing in the long run because I was naive as hell.
Dec 1 - 3PM
herlatestvictim
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Soul mates- they just might be!

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master...” ― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love
Dec 1 - 8PM (Reply to #10)
GeorgiaGirl
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Well then

I certainly met my soulmate...because he did exactly that and then some! Thanks for this!!
Dec 1 - 1AM
Done sourcing
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The part that I had to accept

The part that I had to accept was that this divorce and chaos was never a part of any dream of mine. My dream was that something would happen and the marriage would be good and fulfilling and all would be normal and comfortable. I didn't want another divorce leaving my kid living two lives. I had a hard time accepting that! ds
Dec 1 - 3PM (Reply to #5)
GeorgiaGirl
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I agree, DS

I'm having a hard time accepting all of that. NONE of this was what I wanted in my life. I did my damn level best for the 3 1/2 years I was with stbxN to have as normal a life as possible despite his chaos. Now, I'm still dealing with it and I'm going to have to accept that this is my life - for better or worse. It sucks and I think I'm rebelling like crazy against it. I wish there was a way to remove the "stubborn" from me!
Dec 2 - 1AM (Reply to #6)
Done sourcing
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Slowly, very slowly I get

Slowly, very slowly I get better. I keep getting pissed, and it won't go away. It is better, even in that for the first six to nine months I don't think I let myself get angry. Some days I just wanna run away and never come back. I am not yet indifferent about co-parenting with the exwn. I know you understand that. Divorce is hard. With a narc harder. With kids even tougher yet. But we are prevailing. It just sucks that the custody gives them hoovering opps all the time. I don't like that aspect of this shared custody at all. But no one's gonna handle this for me, so I have to walk through it myself. I am grateful some here walk the same path and understand how fucked it is to have to deal with this. ds
Dec 2 - 9AM (Reply to #7)
GeorgiaGirl
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I keep getting pissed too

It feels like I've hit my threshold for abuse and NO ONE will ever perpetrate that type of behavior against me again. Running away has also been a consideration for me, sometimes on a daily basis. This coparenting shit is HARD and I feel like my sanity is tested constantly. What's real, what's not, blah blah blah. Not to mention the recovery from the "relationship" itself. It's a wonder I'm not rocking in the corner somewhere, sucking my thumb and drooling.
Dec 2 - 10AM (Reply to #8)
Done sourcing
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LOL, I think I do sometimes

LOL, I think I do sometimes at least look like I'm sitting in a corner sucking my thumb and drooling. I will take the fact that I don't want her back under any circumstances as worth the price of admission right there. My heart isn't broken, and I don't want to fix her. I actually want to never have to talk with her again, that would be my first choice. And that is so much better than a year ago. ds
Nov 30 - 10PM
Sparrow
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It's all in the matter of how

It's all in the matter of how you look at it. Is the glass half full, or half empty? Very important. In reality, you are blessed to have a "do over" not everyone is that fortunate in life. You have another chance. That my friend, is an awesome gift to be given! The feeling of sadness will be apparent, allow it. Even in the best of situations, people are sad at times. Take this opportunity and run with it! You are going to do great! Just wait and see. This time next year, you will be kicking back in your new life, smiling, thinking to yourself how fortunate you are to have this second lease on life! Chin up, it gets harder before it gets easier, your strong, you can do it! Stay strong!
Dec 1 - 3PM (Reply to #2)
GeorgiaGirl
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I don't know how, Sparrow

I'm trying really hard to see this as an opportunity rather than a catastrophe. But how do I do that? I watch my toddler daughter be emotionally abused and physically neglected by N every other week for 7 straight days. I watch my older kids be lied to, promised crap with no follow thru, triangulated with each other and against me. I watch stbxN and exN#1 gang up against me and prepare to go to court in the coming months. I watch myself struggle in every aspect of my life trying to figure out who I am, what I want, where I am going and what the future may hold. Most of all, I struggle to understand God's plan for my life and WISH, HOPE and PRAY that he shows me. I'm more than willing to listen and follow!!! I want to see a silver lining but it's damn hard. So far I've come up with: I'm alive I'm out of the abuse I am employed full-time I own my own vehicle I have 4 great kids that I love more than anything I am smart, healthy and spiritually awake I know I am very blessed with the above but the continued abuse towards my children negates much of that. I can only do so much as a mother in my 50% time with them...is it enough?
Dec 2 - 8AM (Reply to #3)
bumblebee
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Your kids...

know what true love - unconditional and warm and understanding - feels like by being with you. You, GeorgiaGirl, have this experience to help protect them and comfort them and empathize with them when they need you. You are a model for them for walking away; for saying, yes, I need to put myself and my kids first. You embody courage and compassion for your children and that is something that many children don't see. This is your chance - even if right now, you only have 50% of their time - to show them what real self-esteem looks like...how it plays out. This is your chance to show them what real love FEELS like - because they won't get it when they are with their dad. I see this experience has a good one, albeit difficult, for you. Who knows where life will take you and who will cross your path or your kids paths...but you will have the ability to draw personally on this experience to help someone who so desparately needs it. I think these experiences have happened to all of us for a reason - I can't tell you the exact situation, but I have no doubt in my mind that if we dedicate the time to healing, growing and learning from this, we can give so much more back to the collective world than we could be for. It all comes back to love - and I think this experience, more than anything, shows us just how much we are capable of giving and how important love is (both giving and receiving) to live a good, full life :)