A really stupid question

14 posts / 0 new

#1 Feb 22 - 3PM

Clear eyes

A really stupid question

I already know the answer. Did you all have to play by the Narcs' rules. Yes, of course. Did you ever try to enforce your rules, and have them bite you in the ass? Happened to me all the time. I decided midway through it was just better to play it on his terms, less stressful that way. So, when he called, I answered. When he wanted to meet, I did. When he broke a lunch date, I was understanding. I did everything I could to make his world happy, and convinced myself that if he was happy, I was happy.
Then, I flipped -- after the 3-month silent treatment. I didn't feel like playing by his rules anymore. I figured I did that for 8 years, and all I got from it was a world of hurt.
They really are masters, aren't they? They figure us out, learn how to pull our strings, and then lead us around until they snip the strings or we cut them.
Sorry about this. It's just that I miss him, or at least I miss the man I thought he was. I'm struggling today, and don't know why. Tomorrow will be better.

#2 Feb 23 - 7AM

onwithmylife

clear eyes

WE were all PUPPETS to the narcs, i even felt that way years ago in the relationship when i knew nothing about NPD, All I thought about, the whole thing being a farce, turned out to be so true. You will gradually realize the fake man was just that,time is on your side............

#3 Feb 23 - 7AM

Deidre40

Yes...absolutely. What I

Yes...absolutely. What I learned last year from dating a narc was...with true love, no one feels the need to set up 'rules.' If someone is trying to get you to constantly follow 'rules' ...run for the hills right then and there. Never again, right everyone? :=)

#4 Feb 23 - 6AM

abreva

The rules were always changing.

There were no fixed rules. The game was to make Abreva crazy. Make Abreva wrong. Make Abreva miserable. There was no peace. The game was "Destroy the beautiful and competent woman" - - so he chose someone really strong and really lovely. Me. I'm stronger than ever. (What a pisser for the EXNH-psychopath!) When I recover all my outer beauty -- what a bummer for him! But it's not about him. Not anymore. Clear eyes, I wouldn't play by his rules anymore. I said NO, and I said it often. That's when the death threats started. He literally ran me out of my home. (What a gift that turned out to be. THANK GOD HE DID THAT or I would have stayed longer.)

#5 Feb 23 - 7AM (Reply to #11)

Deidre40

abreva

abreva, i really enjoy what you post. just wanted to tell you that. you bring a lot of poignant clarity to the whole narc concept, and i greatly appreciate your insight.

#6 Feb 22 - 10PM

Run4it

I don't miss playing by his

I don't miss playing by his rules. I have played by "their" rules my entire life. I've had it. Their rules suck. As a matter of fact, their entire lives suck. Mine does not. I will no longer let them suck the happiness and joy and love out of me. I guess I'm sensitive to this "rules" thingy......:)

#7 Feb 22 - 10PM (Reply to #9)

Run4it

Clear Eyes

Sorry for my rant and I can't delete it :( I see that you are sad and I do truly understand. I (thought???) loved my N more than any man ever and was so happy that I had finally opened up after so long. He trampled my love and behaved like a dishonorable coward. It is painful to know that you have loved someone unworthy.

#8 Feb 22 - 5PM

HelpMeHeal

Playing by their rules...

.... Yup. I remember having conversations with myself saying I could handle his rules. Just play by them. Afterall, I was happier with him than without. I could only handle his rules for a day or two at a time before reality hit me in the face and I "revolted". Ha!

#9 Feb 22 - 6PM (Reply to #7)

Clear eyes

HelpMeHeal,

God, I couldn't have written those exact words myself. I told myself the same thing...I happier with him and playing by his rules, on his terms, than without him. Now, let the revolution begin!

#10 Feb 22 - 5PM

Sparrow

Every day is a new day, and

Every day is a new day, and you never know what it will bring, what to expect. But, we do survive each and every one of them. We have to................ It's ok to be angry at times, why shouldn't you be? To realize you were used, you were taken advantage of and taken for granted. It cuts like a knife. But for every day that you spend bitter and angry, you might as well give the day to him. Me, personally, don't see that he or anyone else is worth giving that to. This is your day, own it. Being angry is all fine and dandy, but eventually, you have to cut the anger loose, so it doesn't consume you. Each day is a new day, and each day is yours, and only yours. Better days are right around the corner my friend!

#11 Feb 22 - 5PM (Reply to #4)

Clear eyes

I agree, Sparrow

Being angry will get me no where. Your words are very, very encouraging. And I'm not angry all the time, just some of the time! It's just so strange...I go along for days at time at peace with how things turned out, and then something stupid, like a motorcycle, reminds me of him. I hate that he took all the best I had to offer someone and, as you both said, took what I gave for granted and basically threw it away. This place has been a God send to me...every where you turn there are words of encouragement, inspiration and hope...and validation. I think it's wonderful that you all take to the time to help everyone here, and I am so grateful for that. Just goes to show that for every vile Narc out there, there are wonderful, giving people waiting right here.

#12 Feb 22 - 7PM (Reply to #5)

Maggster

Wonderful giving people...

I love your last line and it's so important to remember. Could you even imagine what it would be like if there was a narc forum???

#13 Feb 22 - 5PM

neverlookback

Of Course

we always have to be their adoring audience because they are GOD or the 2nd coming of Christ I dont know which. Can you imagine still living like that always ruled by someone else and ignoring every single one of your needs? That is not living

#14 Feb 23 - 3AM (Reply to #2)

Snowflake

There is a Narc forum

on Yahoo, you have to provide medical evidence or self evidence to join ..imagine the lies and one upmanship on there (laughing). As for rules..you cant live by the rules even if you try..because the rules change all the freaking time! I was told he wanted someone who really cared about him, I did, showed it and was told I was too much, too needy etc. I got told he wanted someone who could take his banter and banter with him..I tried and got told 'I offered you an olive branch, you werent meant to eat the fucker'. Whatever I tried, it was the wrong response, its soul destroying, tiring x

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