Really struggling today

My first narc was my first everything. I was a virgin. We were together 15 years. 15 years of back and forth. Abuse. Finally because I was too weak and could not break up with him, he again for the millionth time cheated on me- but this time with a twist. She got pregnant. He married her. He would tell me right to my face- I will never marry you. You should date black guys (?) everytime something goes wrong in my life, I turn around and your there. Told a relative- she will never marry. Like he knew the damage he had inflicted on me. I never married. I am 50 years old. I never had children either. I could never make the right choices in men. Like I got stuck. Because of him. After almost 20 years of no contact his words still pinch me. Not as hard but I remember them and how hurt I was. So. For you Ruby- I share this with you because I feel your pain in your words. Don't let him steal your life.

Seriously Ruby, it isn't about being able to keep him in love with you... they idealize and we mistake that for love when it isn't what he feels at all. We get stuck in how it felt to be the receiver of his attention because when it is on us, it is absolute. It is dizzying with it's intensity. It was NEVER really about us, who we are... only about what we offered to satiate his supply needs. They take the best of us, but like choosing a different cereal in the morning, one day they decide they want more fibre, more sweetness, less sweetness, more fruit, less fruit - or scrambled eggs - they are never satisfied. When the devaluing starts - that has nothing to do with us either. I felt the exact same way about not being enough for him. When they discard us, that is how we all are left feeling - every time. YOUR feelings are deep and sustainable, his are shallow and fleeting - unable to be maintained - that is the nature of being disordered and it HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU and definitely NOT about your sexiness, beauty or compatibility. ((hugs))

Hi Ruby, To add to what the ladies have said below - we are all with you and thinking of you. It sounds like what your N is doing is pretty much what mine did - the half relationship, abuse of alcohol to 'have fun' (read as: forget), younger adoring women. I was riding the rollercoaster this week - with my stomach dropping out with each "Why? Why was I not enough?" BUT today is a new day! So I think, "No more - draw on your inner, Beyonce, Megamillion!" Finally I’m reeling that power back in… THEN I remember how I cared for her, built her up when she was down, was always honest and open, wanted to work on us. I think of the ways I help and care for my friends and family and pets. I think of the creative, funny, and intellectual ways I connect with other people. And I say ‘I LOVE MYSELF.’ Outloud. 10 times in a row. Finally, I think of her strategies to displace/project her sickness and what she decided to do to me - ways she purposefully put me down and placed all the blame on me - what she left me with: (as a small sample) that I was “95% bad and only 5% good,” that I was never happy to see her happy, that I was broken and couldn't be fixed so she was giving up. She piled it in a big tub of scrambled eggs – full of other things like once I saw someone else I’d realize how bad our relationship was, that I was kind and good, and that I’d seen everything with rose-colored glasses. And I remember that even now, I would not be able to say hurtful things to her … and not only because I’m NC ;) SO, to echo the excellent feedback below: This is what they do. They SUCK THE GOODNESS out of everyone and everything because they are empty inside. Why else would she say (and do) such terrible things to someone who acted out of love for her? (well, why beyond her being terribly disordered) I’m sure you were caring and available AND sexy, funny, and smart. If you can, try to flip this, focus on YOU: you were too much for him to try, it's HIS problem, HIS weakness and HIS shortcoming - because you deserve all that you gave and all that you invest in a relationship. In the meantime, I know nothing can take away your anguish - only working through this awful, gutwrenching pain and sorrow. Sending you hugs and happiness xxx Mega

AWWWWW!!! Wow, you are giving him a lot of power! It is hard to believe that one minute its perfect than like the flip of a switch they destroy your soul. Get your power back, go Shopping or do something you like. Delete that crap because crap is what it is. :( Hunter

We are all here with you. I had a night like that last night - sobbing into my pillow at 2am at the sheer craziness of how it all happened. The thing is, these people are one of two types - either they are mentally unstable and so incapable of truly accepting or giving love - to anybody - or they are so tightly wound up, negative, scared children that when true love is offered to them, their self-esteem is so very low they have to devalue the person offering it to even feel vaguely worthy of it. To accept love from somebody whom in their eyes is actually more kind, gentle and moral than them is mentally like a stake through their hearts, such is their negative self-image. They project a picture of being serene, self-confident or happily moving on, but they have dark, twisted troubled souls and they are, ultimately, their very own worst enemies. I hope that helps XXXX

I bet you are smart, beautiful and funny- and I am willing to bet many people think this of you........what happens is, these azzclowns find amazing, beautiful and feeling individuals and then systematically begin knocking us down, making us go from confidant and secure of ourselves into insecure, unconfidant, critical, judgemental people- the very people THEY are. Please know, not all N's leave- I had mine thrown out with an Order of Protection....but even if they WON'T LEAVE and they stay, they LEAVE emotionally, and mentally...mine was living in the house, but I was ignored and made to feel invisible....it's was devastating! Who can live like that?! I know my N husband slowly but surely over the years stripped me of all the good will and feeling I had toward myself so much I was idealizing suicide...how FUKED UP IS THAT?????????? The anger in myself over this douchebag is unreal.....and I am even MORE pizzed off I have to do the work to get better and this asshat can carry on in life and victimize someone else..... Please forgive my language.....I just got home from Mass and I should be more charitable and forgiving with my words....hahaha, yet ANOTHER thing to hate the abuser for- making me use bad words on Sunday......haha! ; ) Anyway, I just wanted to post Ruby in support of your feelings....they do this to us.......make us feel unlovable and like nothing.....please remember that is part of what they do to control us and keep us down....that broken record that has been playing so long in your head is a tough one to break....but YOU CAN break it....your abuser WANTED you to feel like NO ONE BUT HIM would ever want you or have anything to do with you......and he had to work hard at it because he KNEW you were beautiful, smart and funny....hang in there friend, one day at a time, we will make it!!! love- Layla

Hugs to you! You cannot make anyone do anything. He is a bast@@@ for screwing with such a good and kind soul. They loves those best of all. Feel your pain, journal, take a walk, get a pedi, do something kind for yourself today. As hard as it may be, delete all the old stuff. The persona you were involved with has vaporized. Sounds like those old notes are tiggers. Do your bestt o get rid of them or at least move them to a folder you can't easily access. I'll say a prayer for you today. These days really stink. Peace! Coffee

You=Beautiful HE=Empty Somehow they manage project their negative inner feelings upon us without us even realizing it's happening. They appear to be superior, "flawless". when in fact they are missing so many of the pieces that complete the human puzzle. NPDs and SPs can not love, empathize, or truly care for anyone. Ever. They lead a very lonely life. Try to look at your time with him as a life lesson. So that you may walk away with knowledge and strength, instead of hurt. He is inferior to you. He really is. You deserve love in return for the love you give. What you think you so admired about him was not real, in fact, you were probably seeing the inner beauty of yourself mirrored back to you. Go forward and realize you are stronger than he. xxx, Ruby

sending you comfort and hugs I have been down too...it is alot to realize and go through it hurts so much I feel it too

Please educate yourself about personality disorders, read as much as you can, to be informed will help you so much, when I was new in the throngs and he dumped me and moved away i tried to find all the books and websites I could get my hands on, first ones were Malignant Self Love, Sam V. book and Lisa's book, found her website and kept on reading. I went to therapy , became good friends with his first wife, just by sheer accident and she was a huge help to let me know I am a great woman and it is HE who has the massive, unfixable problem. It is Normal for you to feel down having come come through the nightmare of abuse by these repulsive humans,the key now is to pick yourself back up and realize what great woman YOU are and HE is the one who is so disordered. You WILL survive, with thanks from Gloria Gaynor,my theme song! If you are willing to do the hard work, you will be stronger than ever..

They wipe out our self esteem. Such a shame because you really are all these things. Picture this- you love a horse. You bathe it. Brush it. Give it organic veggies for treats. Coddle it. What's the horse do- looks away. Kicks you. Sneers at you. Kisses you once in a while- oooo acceptance. That's how it is with these asshats. You try so very hard to show them your worth. You are worthy- look at me! I love you! I would die for you- what do they do? The same thing the horse does. They can't recognize your worth because thier heads are so far up thier own asses they can only see thier worth- to you which when you think about it they are worth nothing. I have days like you where I want so bad some kind of validation from him. Then I remember- I'm basing my self worth of validation from a cheat and a liar and an abuser. Nope. I am worth all these things and so are you. And so is the next guy who sees without you having to even try, see your worth.

Hi RubyWoo, I'm so sorry you are feeling down today. First, nothing you could do or say would make you good enough for the N. He simply has no capacity to love...period. It's NOT YOU..it's HIM! He is an assclown. Second, do yourself a favor and when you feel strong enough, delete all the old emails and chats. They only serve to remind you of the illusion of a relationship you thought you had. Remember, it wasn't real because he's a hollow, fake person incapable of giving you the love you truly deserve. Nothing these guys do is about you...it's about their own insecurity and inability to act like a normal human being. You deserve the best! Keep telling yourself that. Hugs! JM