Realization

So I was having a talk with a mutual friend today (I met her through the N but she doesnt like him anymore). Anyways, I was saying how I cant believe that he was trying to get me back so hard but now is withholding an actual relationship from me. She said to me "I wish you would have just left him when you were thinking about it instead of trying to make it work just for him to turn around and leave you." This totally shocked me! I totally forgot this piece of information! The week before he left me I would spend everyday thinking about leaving him. I would make pros and cons lists, I would avoid him, I would go to a mutual guy friends house when he N didnt know where I was just to get more advice. I totally forgot this!

Then she said to me "I dont get it. Is it a game for you? Do you have to be the one to win or something? When he wants to be with you, you know that isnt what you want, but the second he withholds it from you, you freak out and have to get him back." I thought about it for a second and I guess it really is about winning somewhat to me. I know how horrible he is and I guess I cant bare the fact that someone that horrible wouldnt want me! I want to be the one to make him look crazy and not worthy of me.

Then I told her that I guess it is somewhat of a game but I hate the game playing. She said "you know you dont have to play the game" I said "I guess I never know when to pick up my chips and leave the table." The next thing she said to me really helped and hit home. She said "Rainbow, when you are running out of chips, and you are running out, you pick up what you have left and leave the table. I think that this is the time for you to leave the table. If he comes crawling back to you then you got your validation and you win. But if he doesnt come back then leave him alone. Trust me, you still won if he doesnt come back. Stop putting yourself through stuff that you dont need to".

I just hugged my friend after she said this. This is a great way of looking at it. I was going to leave him, I didnt want him anymore because I wasnt happy, I still dont want him, So why am I chasing him?! Why do I put in so much effort to something so unrewarding? Well I am not going to anymore. I need to pick up my chips and walk away. Sometimes doing nothing will get you further then putting in endless amounts of effort.