Reality Report

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#1 Jul 26 - 4AM
bgirl
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Reality Report

Reality Report.
I've been very quiet on here of late. I am now 2 years NC and have taken every possible measure to ensure Mr N/Psychopath can have no contact with me nor I with him.
I just wanted to reinforce the unanimous, collective and EDUCATED/INFORMED opinion that the mods here reiterate on a daily basis is absolutely 100% the truth. I'm sharing my progress (and constant relapses and regression) with others here simply to tell other victims here that you are not alone.
We are victims.
This does not mean we will always be.
There are so many emotional memories that will be with me for life as a result of the trauma associated with my collision with a severely disorder individual. I'm listing them below so others may gain strength from perhaps identifying with parts of my journey.
I was a married woman with two young children. Never been with another man let alone looked at one. I worked as a Phys Ed teacher and truly loved children.
My own children play Elite level soccer in our country. They had a seemingly 'caring' coach who was attentive and interested in their progress.
How wrong we were.
He stalked, coerced, lied to, manipulated, gas lighted and love bombed me for 12 months. He was directly in charge of the elite squad my daughter was a part of.
I was in trouble. I knew my feelings were out of control. I told my husband. He didn't take my appeals seriously. None of us knew what we were dealing with.
He threatened suicide.
He faked an illness that he used to manipulate sympathy from me. I even looked into the best specialist and care for an illness that never existed :(
I told my husband I was in love with N
As soon as I did this...
He moved out of his home.
He had sex with me. He wanted me pregnant to breed an athlete and to make me his forever. God was looking after me. It didn't happen.
Something hit me. Something was terribly wrong.
My husband contacted his wife. We needed to know whether his intentions were what he was saying they were.
Deep down we both knew we'd been played. Both of us.
I was then threatened with violence. He denied everything. Told his wife I pursued him. She believed him. Told me she 'was the winner.'
My soon to be ex husband and I are closer than ever. We are not together as a couple because I cannot love him like I loved the N. he deserves to be loved fully. I cannot give him that. Perhaps I'll never be capable of that level of love again? Who knows?
I was suicidal.
I had severe PTSD. I was vomitting, couldn't work and still remain unemployed 18 months later.
We managed to keep both children in the sport they love. They are thriving.
Our entire family have been in therapy for 18 months. The last month I've been coping enough to go it alone. 
Now for me I was the child of narcissist parents. One psychopath, one borderline. I was subjected to sexual, emotional and mental abuse.
However, as much as this abuse groomed me to unconsciously seek out a disordered individual so I could rewrite history with a favourable outcome this was NOT the only reason I was vulnerable to a psychopath predator.
I am loyal, strong, independent and competitive. Most importantly I am an empath. I feel things to the extreme.
I also had a life that the psychopath wanted to destroy. He did...to a point but I've realised that through this excruciatingly painful journey I have discovered who I really am for the first time in my entire life. It has also allowed me clarity to become a better more understanding mother to my children.
Am I lonely? Sometimes.
Does my heart hurt? Yes. But it is not as debilitating anymore.
Do I have sadness in my life? You bet.
However sadness is not my enemy it has been my teacher. I now appreciate what real happiness is and I've also been given the gift of being able to spot a fraud at less than fifty paces.
Through the forum I have met a person who i would describe as another pea from the same pod. He lives 17000km away from me yet we talk everyday. I feel blessed to still have the capacity to care for another human being like I care for him. He is coming to visit in about 2 months time....and less than 12 months ago I wanted to die.
Thank you to all the forum members who dragged me up from the depths of hell. I would not be writing this without your guidance and of course the professional counsel I received over the course of the past year.
Not in a million years did I picture my life this way. 
The moral implications, the domino effect of devastation will be with me for life. It haunts me. He haunts me.
Don't doubt for one second that the OW doesn't pay. If she's like me she does. The psychopath or narcissist will SAY AND DO WHATEVER THEY HAVE TO DO TO WIN.
I now know I was NO MATCH FOR HIM just like none of you were either.
We are all victims but now we are all fighters and hopefully one day survivors.
Wishing all of you strength on your own path forward. This place is a sanctuary and I honestly wouldn't be here without this forum. Thank u and lots of love.
X
B

Jul 26 - 9AM
Janie53
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Bgirl

Jul 26 - 3PM (Reply to #10)
bgirl
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Janie you are absolutely spot

Jul 26 - 9AM
Jenna H
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bgirl

Jul 26 - 3PM (Reply to #8)
bgirl
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Hi Jenna.... Yes I agree it

Jul 26 - 9AM
Deidre99
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I read this when I first

Jul 26 - 3PM (Reply to #6)
bgirl
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Hi Deidre, Hope you are

Jul 26 - 5AM
tootsgee
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B - I think you are such a

Jul 26 - 5AM
indenial
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Hey bgirl

Jul 27 - 8AM (Reply to #3)
bgirl
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Indenial I'm so sorry that

Jul 26 - 7AM (Reply to #2)
bgirl
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Indenial and tootsgee you